A poem about depression.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BeautifullyChaotic, Sep 22, 2011.

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  1. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I wrote this, and feel the need to share it, but can't share it with family and friends, they just wouldn't understand...

    No End in Sight

    The dark is getting darker.
    I can hardly see the light.
    The air is cold, chaotic.
    The end is almost out of sight.

    The walls are cool and moist.
    They chill me to the bone.
    The ground is damp and dank.
    I fear I'm all alone.

    I try to call for help.
    The wind blows and stills my voice.
    I listen closely in the blackness.
    In this place there is no noise.

    The silence here is deafening.
    The lack of life is queer.
    Am I all that is breathing?
    How did I get here?

    A sadness is descending.
    Made from loneliness and pain.
    All happiness is dying
    As it begins to rain.

    The raindrops burn on contact
    Leaving red marks on my face.
    The walls are closing in now.
    I'm running out of space.

    I'm searching for some shelter
    To shield me from the rain.
    The walls are getting closer.
    I fear I've gone insane.

    I call for help once more.
    No once can hear my cry.
    I bow my head, surrender.
    Is it my time to die?

    The dark is getting darker.
    I no longer see the light.
    The air is cold, chaotic.
    There is no end in sight...
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    cool poem... I wish you felt better though :(

    :hug:
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I agree with may71 and wish that your family & friends were more supportive, but I'm thankful that your husband has been by your side throughout everything you have told us about. Take care, and welcome.
     
  4. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Thank you both. I have to say, I have found more support in the few hours that I have been here than I have in the last several weeks as all of this unfolded.
    I feel like this site is going to help me change my life, and get back to the place where I can say I love me, and even come up with a few reasons why.
    It's nice to be able to vent, so write it all out and get some feedback, to know that I'm not alone and other's are struggling too and that we have a place where we can come for peace, and a little relief.
    I thank my lucky stars that I found this place, and I hope that as I grow and begin to find myself maybe I will be able to help someone else come out of the darkness too. It's already looking a little brighter in my world.
    I will be seeing a therapist in a few days who specializes in Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome and depression, thanks to the wonderful suggestions and PMs with links to places that offer help to people like me. Starting off strong I think, seeing as I have felt so weak for so long and now I finally have the guts to do something, thanks to the other people here, who understand.
     
  5. passingthrough

    passingthrough Active Member

    You write beautifully, express the essence of this darkness.

    I'm glad your world is looking slightly brighter, hopefully you find your way to the light.
     
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Amen to that sister!

    Don't worry - I'm not the 'God Squad' looking to cry the blues about religion - just saying its cool what you say - and you got to love yourself!

    That's the key in some ways.

    Well - many here will say "how do I love myself when I hate myself so much I want to die sometimes?"

    Well - think about it - if some child came up to you - and said they felt suicidal - are you going to hate them for it?

    Or will you hug them and tell them everything is going to be alright?

    As for this site - like you I joined feeling down - well you don't join a suicide forum when your full of the joys of ever-loving life - do you?

    Well - some will just to volunteer I guess - but the VAST majority here are people who decided that SELF HELP was a path we needed to take. Here - there is nobody who does not want to be here. If someone offers advise - they do so freely - and I could have paid a thousand counsellors and not have the knowledge I now have from this site. Also - nobody here wants cash to listen - otherwise - chatting to a hooker would be more honest - and yes - some men do that (I've asked hookers) but - ah well - I guess everyone thinks I'm living in brothels - buried myself again - me and my big mouth! But seriously - it happens. I've know girls on the game - you know - people in your area you grow up with.

    Like you I came here - feeling down - but it took a few hours for me to realise that I was in good company here. I felt comfortable opening - whilst in real life I never opened up in 30 years or more - not once - so I carried the 'darkness' - and it was not easy.

    Coming here made me realise my flaw - the one thing that would destroy me eventually - because keeping it in - makes you feel bad. But at the same hand - please understand that for me - I thought it was the 'right thing' - I was trying to protect loved ones. Well - so I thought!

    Aged 17 or so - it was not too bad. I was a busy man - here and there - getting into adventures - and -er - trouble. Depression can make a man cruel - I saw this in me and never liked it. Hurting people - is easy - but I got to say it always came back at me the times that I was cruel.

    Relationships are a minefield with depression - they can be a minefield regardless - but if your depressed - your needs are not just the same as everyone else. You share the usual needs - but got an extra dimension.

    Your handing a piece of your soul to someone - and they really have to take good care of it. Young people with depression often start the downward trajectory via a bad relationship. Men or women - if you get treated cruelly by someone - its not good for your confidence or self image.

    If things get abusive - time for The Exit - and rare though I've had to deal with this - it happens - but its easy to spot in the real world. The main thing is to have friends and if possible family to check out whoever you think is the best thing since sliced bread. Check his family out - he will make you meet them if he actually cares. If he shows no interest in your family - he is there for one thing - which is OK also if your life can handle casual flings. For me - I'd sooner watch Sean the Sheep.

    Take 2 years at least to get to know them before you even think of committing - but - ignore me IF you get her pregnant - marry her - invite me to the wedding - get me a plus one - or a maid of honour - if indeed there are any maids left with honour - I joke! You all have honour! Well - if not - you CAN.

    I know your a married women jadedmaggi- and belated congrats there. If Mr. Alex says your hubby is supportive - I know he is - and he sounds like a good man - sort of man who I'd be a mate with - we could 'bond' as men. Drink - football - philosophy. No whining about women blues - men who cry that blues - whilst I'm out trying to relax and lose my blues with a woman - well - hey guys - go home with a bunch of flowers and STFU.

    (don't EVER steal a wreath from a graveyard like someone I know - his women was mad as hell - maybe he left the little 'Rest in Peace' label on it!!!! - not the best way to express undying love)

    Some men - you can spot how they treat their women in 5 mins - and my advice here - I throw this out now and again because other people need to know.

    Also - if your feeling down right now - reading this means whatever bad thoughts you have are muted.

    I'm just VERY happy your husband is supportive and that you can share with him. Forget all this nonsense about 500 friends on Facebook - the reality is even one good friend is all you need. If you have more friends than you have fingers - your lucky.

    I think you will stick around here and get to know some of the ladies here who were not so lucky with getting a nice man. This really can shape depression - I mean if your first love turns on you and hits you - that is disgusting - men who do that - curse them all to hell - because I think once one punch has flew - rehabilitation for them? I'd never risk it - I mean - I would not advise any women to try and think she will tame that kind of darkness.

    And I've had a few women who flew off the handle also. What women lack in physical prowess they can make up for in psychological warfare - sometimes crude - sometimes quite cunning. One woman I knew - actually had brothers who would hit any man she accused of slighting her. When I say 'hit' - mean, like hospital. So she came after me - accused me of - well, lies actually - but tried to arrange for me to be given a few weeks stay in the local hospital.

    Extreme example of how things can go!

    And some guy in America - his wife actually cut off his - well - you can guess right? There's a lovers tiff from hell! Extreme example - chill out guys - but be nice to your wife all the same - lol - and worried lol.

    Usually its women who fare worse at the hands of creeps, cranks, lowlife and cowards. The parade of such creatures - is like a sorry march of humanities worse - heading for nowhere - destined to be given a gravestone with the words "Epic Fail"

    I think men ought to make an extra effort to be kind to children and women. And pledge in all sincerity to not say an unkind word to any. How many people here would be able to say they had less issues IF all men were kind? That is how simple it is to make this world the sort of place in which all of us will know happiness. Women would have to folow suit than - well the few who may be unkind would have to about turn.

    Like you I had more support here in a few hours than I had in a lifetime. But - its not that the people I know are mean - they are wonderful in many cases - caring people - and its just that I never opened up.

    So - having done so - it feels good - and gets better - and I feel stronger and more able to be optimistic.

    And relationships - I could write more on guitars -music - hobbies I have and interests and passions in the arts, written word and spoken word - because I think about what I say - and always leave people with a positive - especially if they are a little down in the dumps which may mean they are hiding depression - or just a bit down - because we all have depression at times - its natural to feel that way sometimes - but of course - there is a point were it becomes obvious that you have an illness - not just some natural cycle.

    Depression is quite interesting because it changes how you think. I don't mean the negative stuff - we all know too much about that and many are here because they cannot cope with the thoughts.

    But there are positives - the main one is that - you got to think about yourself - and how your mind works. Suicide thoughts are VERY scary when you get them first - but for me - after a good thousand plus sessions - dark nights of the soul - I know that not every thought is actually right. I mean - I can take the brakes off my mind and let it go free-fall - thoughts coming thick and fast. I think about all sorts of things - but will never do them! As a writer - this is a bonus.

    But be careful - there are areas of your mind best left alone - the landscape on our mind is vast - people venture into the darkness - the negatives - and its hard to get back sometimes - you could be there for hours - days - weeks - lots. But - if you open up - people will know were you are in this landscape.

    Last but not least - it costs nothing to be kind to people - but some might take advantage - so be careful there.

    Follow your heart AFTER its had a conference with your head.

    Many people with depression are very kind - I think that once your have this terrible illness - and feel the level of pain to which people can slide into - once your alone in a crowded room - wanting to die in the middle of a sunshiny day - you should realise that anyone out there might be going through the same.

    So for me - leaving someone with a kind word - always helps - and I'm lucky that for the past twenty years - guess, I've only got one person out there I'd like to say sorry to - nothing big - arguing with her - the train came in - my last words were "Your a racist idiot" Doors closed - and I felt bad 5 minutes later. Did not even know her to be honest - that well - but it niggles me. Hope she was ok.

    Well - I could go on and on - but we got to stop sometime - and I guess I got to stop with a kind word!

    So - go jump in nest of tarantulas!

    I mean, have a nice day!!!

    Thanks jadedmaggi.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You are a gifted writer.. Your poem reached my heart..Thank you!!
     
  8. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Peacelovingguy, I can tell you are a strong person, likely stronger than you even know. To open up without saying too much is hard, but you hit it on the head. I hope you find your light, because I know this darkness is consuming and I will keep you in my thoughts. I wish I could say I would be praying for you, but I haven't found my "God" yet, so I don't know who to pray to, but you are in my thoughts as you search to find the light.

    To everyone else, thank you. Writing is my only means of expression, so it's good to finally know that someone is "listening", and that they understand. I made a mistake and shared this poem on facebook, just to be compared to Poe, that's a laugh. Yes, he too was in pain, but he was a genius, and I'm just a regular girl living a normal life. In this day and age I know there are people dealing with so much more than I am, which as much as I hate to admit it, gives me hope. Poe didn't see things this way, there was no hope for him in the darkest moments, but here I have found my hope and am starting to see the light. It's faint and distant, but it's there. My only hope is that others who have come here can see it too. We are not alone, though we feel that we are we are not. We can all be here for each other, anonymous and safe from scrutiny we can share our pain and learn from one another.
     
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