A pointless rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by VioletGirl, Oct 2, 2010.

  1. VioletGirl

    VioletGirl Member

    As the title says, this will be somewhat pointless. But what I always find is that, every time I write down my own feelings, I feel better.

    So let's hope it works this time round too.

    I honestly, seriously don't know what is wrong with me. I am 19. Have a great family with amazingly supportive and loving parents. I have a group of good friends and even though university keeps us all busy, we try to keep in touch. I have two relatively well-paid part-time jobs for my age. I try to be nice to everyone. As far as I'm aware, there's nobody that hates me out there. I'm studying what I always wanted to. I have hopes for the future and a very well-organised plan.

    But I'm not happy. And I don't even know why. Deep inside, I feel like there is this hole in my heart that is slowly consuming my passion and my hope. I feel like I'm becoming rotten and useless. I used to be a nice person, but now I'm becoming more competitive. I get jealous more easily. I am a lot more sensitive. I am becoming anti-social. The stress is seriously killing me.

    I still remember what my former good friend told me when we fell out. How I'm a liar and sound condescending and how I'm a hypocritical person who puts others down and am impossible to deal with. I know you didn't mean it, but it still hurt like hell.

    I still remember how just a few months ago, I was a happier person. I was truly happy and was ready to take what life threw at me. I still remember that lovely smile on my face and how strong I used to be.

    Why do things have to change? What could I do to fill this hole and make myself less miserable on the inside? I really don't know how to feel better, because I don't even know what's wrong.

    I know I sound hypocritical when I say this. There are so many people with much worse problems out there. There are people with depression and anxiety. There are people with no food and no water and no shelter. There are people with self-harm problems and abusive parents. Yet some of these people manage to be happier than me.

    I'm sorry. I think I'm wasting my life and every opportunity I have. I don't deserve the things I have. I really don't.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Violet...have you spoken to your doctor about your change in mood? this can be contextual (the stress of school, etc.) and/or medical and it is good to discuss these changes with someone who can assess your situation...and. yes, you deserve the good things you have and more...please take care and be safe, big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Violet Girl sometimes depression can come up on us for no reason but sometimes it can be medical. Ask your doctor to do blood test okay get your thyroid checked your hemoglobin other things. You may benefit from going on antidepressant but you need to talk with your doctor first okay to rule out medical reasons. Glad you reached out here lots of people to talk to.. I too like ranting venting because it does help me alot as well take care of you okay as Sadeyes said get to doctors and get yourself feeling better.
  4. VioletGirl

    VioletGirl Member

    Aww thanks for the support guys :) I've booked an appointment with a counsellor for tomorrow. Fingers crossed it goes well.

    Big hugs to you both! :D *hug
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is good news I hope the meeting with your councillor goes well.