a poke in the eye

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by evan, Aug 12, 2006.

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  1. evan

    evan Guest

    In May of last year, a girl I was with for almost 3 years left me for some other guy. I did the usual routine of calling every 5, only to be turned down by her again and again and again. I would stay up for days, not for eat days, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't have any sense, so I took a bottle of tylenol thinking I would die in my sleep. Obivously I didn't. It fucked up my liver and I had to go to the hospital. Shortly after that, a psychologist came in and sent me down to OSU Harding Hospital, a psychiatric hospital in Columbus, Ohio. I spent two weeks there, going through the usual routine of "treatment". Mostly just taking various tpyes of medication that gave me horrible side effects while sitting in grops talking about how to deal with anger. All in all, it was two weeks wasted. After I got out, of course I didn't feel any better. I walked a 10 mile walk to her house just to talk to her, because I thought if we were face to face it might be different. The first time I went, I bought a boquet of flowers that she would like. When I got there I discovered that guys car in the driveway, alone. I just left the flowers on the porch and took a very, very long walk home. I walked to her house a few times over the summer, only to be ignored. Finally, last August I called her and told her that I would call her in a few months. I never called back, mainly out of absolute terror. I didn't want to hear her telling me about their relationship and how shitty I am. I could've called and her parents could've told me she's married and living in Chicago or something. I didn't want to hear anything like that. So I just didn't call. I did write letters though, that way I wouldn't find out anything I want to know, and if she changed her mind about me she could write me back. Then in march, I sent an email to her friend for support. I specifically told her i did not want to know ANYTHING about her new life, and of course the first email I got back read something like this:
    "I heard she's gettinf married"
    I cried forever it seemed when I read that. Ever since then I have just been getting worse and worse. I just don't have the will to finish high school because I dropped out last year in my senior year because I could'nt stand sitting in a chait thinking about it all day. I'm having trouble finding a job mainly because I can't work in a public place out of fear of seeing her. I was pretty estatic when I found out I had an interview to work in a ups warehouse yesterday. I thought finally, I can get out of the house, earn some money, get a car, and turn my life around. But of course, I didn't get the job. Last night as I was falling asleep I had a dream about her. I don't have many dreams about her and I'm happy about that. For some reason her and I were walking around her neighborhood talking, basically enjoying eachother's company. Then she told me that her and her boyfriend were trying to have a baby. She kept describing her sex acts with him. I just started crying again telling her how important her virginity was to me. The biggest reason I love her is because she's pure and innocent, and if she's having sex with some guy that's all gone. Someone else took her virginity. I couldn't handle that. I woke up, and have been in a very horrible state all day. I really can't see my self living a decent life without her. It's been over a year since I've last spoke to her, and I still have the same feelings I did as the day she broke up with me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't want to be alive anymore. I BEG God for death every single day, and I have yet to die. It's harder than one would think to kill yourself.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well first I would like to thank you for showing me that my fear of trust and relationships is not unfounded.

    As for what to do? Well just live on with your life what more can you do? Of course you could always try to remove your fixation with her. But I doubt that will happen. So you are just going to have to keep living what mroe could you do? I have no way of knowing what to say because of my no experience in this field but you know you could always try getting away from her. Or try finding someone else.... you found someone once before how come you cannot do it again?

    But don't listen to me I have never been in a serious relationship so what would I know?
  3. sadness2006

    sadness2006 Member

    Have you tried dating anyone else? I think it's best you let her go, who knows, maybe one day she will come back in your life when you least expect it, that's what you gotta hope for, but for now you should move on, and try to find love again. There are tons of great women out there, you just gotta look hard for em!
  4. evan

    evan Guest

    I really, really don't think I can find anyone that I can be happy with as I was happy with her. I've been hearing that for a year, and I have been thinking about it for a year. There is no one out there.
  5. dark_thought

    dark_thought Guest

    Your post made me cry. No women has ever given me the light of day, so hence I've never been in a relationship. Sounds like it's not worth the hassle.
  6. evan

    evan Guest

    Oh...it is.
  7. I would have to agree with Dark_Thought. Having always been passed over or blatently snubbed, or completely ignored, I would have to say that the heartache of knowing that you are simply not wanted by anyone and never will be is not worth the hassle.
  8. evan

    evan Guest

    When you find someone, it's worth it. I did, but I lost her because there was a lack of communication in the latter months.
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