I don't want to kill myself. I just seriously don't want to live, don't care if I die, and wish and hope for it to come sooner rather than later. I'm a prisoner to life. I'm no less trapped than an animal in a cage. No matter which direction I look, i see bars....the bars that retain me in life. I look at others, as they rush around in their apparently happy lives. Are they really happy? Am i just the odd one that is not happy? I know that this page has a lot of my brothers and sisters that feel as I do. Thank God it does. I know that together we can make it through...safety in number, together everyone achieves more (TEAM)....that kind of thing. But I do still look at the significant masses of "happy" others. Why can't we have what they have? Speaking for myself, I have so many blessings. I SHOULD be happy, but I'm not. I read the thread about how suicide comes when people's coping mechanisms are exceeded by the pain they are in. At last, someone realizes (I know we do in this forum) that it really is pain. I kid you not, my old psychiatrist scoffed when I told him I had "pain." He didn't grasp it. He was in the wrong field. He just put me on more and more drugs until I was actually no longer in control of my own thoughts. That therapy ended with an attempt, and a stay in the hospital. Needless to say, I changed doctors. Okay, I ramble. My point is that as I look at my surroundings, i feel that i am looking at nothing. Nothing is important. why are we here? There really is no reason. Because of that, i think we are all prisoners to life, bound by chains that only death can relieve. Those of us who have suicidal thoughts are the smart ones.. . . .we are the ones that have figured out that really everything we do is meaningless.....pointless....fruitless......insignificant. We truly are, just prisoners to life....................... I needed the vent, thanks.