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A prisoner to life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by diver200, Mar 13, 2008.

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  1. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    I don't want to kill myself. I just seriously don't want to live, don't care if I die, and wish and hope for it to come sooner rather than later. I'm a prisoner to life. I'm no less trapped than an animal in a cage. No matter which direction I look, i see bars....the bars that retain me in life. I look at others, as they rush around in their apparently happy lives. Are they really happy? Am i just the odd one that is not happy? I know that this page has a lot of my brothers and sisters that feel as I do. Thank God it does. I know that together we can make it through...safety in number, together everyone achieves more (TEAM)....that kind of thing. But I do still look at the significant masses of "happy" others. Why can't we have what they have? Speaking for myself, I have so many blessings. I SHOULD be happy, but I'm not. I read the thread about how suicide comes when people's coping mechanisms are exceeded by the pain they are in. At last, someone realizes (I know we do in this forum) that it really is pain. I kid you not, my old psychiatrist scoffed when I told him I had "pain." He didn't grasp it. He was in the wrong field. He just put me on more and more drugs until I was actually no longer in control of my own thoughts. That therapy ended with an attempt, and a stay in the hospital. Needless to say, I changed doctors. Okay, I ramble. My point is that as I look at my surroundings, i feel that i am looking at nothing. Nothing is important. why are we here? There really is no reason. Because of that, i think we are all prisoners to life, bound by chains that only death can relieve. Those of us who have suicidal thoughts are the smart ones.. . . .we are the ones that have figured out that really everything we do is meaningless.....pointless....fruitless......insignificant. We truly are, just prisoners to life.......................

    I needed the vent, thanks.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni


    i don't look to externals for my "why am i here... what am i doing...."

    i look to my heart. i am here, on the planet mind you (not SF specifically) as a person of compassion and kindness. i am here on the planet in order to make and share art, my own unique vision. nobody else makes the exact photos that i do.

    i am suicidal not because everything is pointless, to be honest, i'm not entirely sure why i'm so suicidal... i thought it was because i was such a loser but i'm starting to see through that lie....

    i start therapy on march 31st so maybe i can untangle some of this

  3. fojerbachas

    fojerbachas Active Member

    agree with ya
  4. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    Thanks, Dazzle. wise thoughts. I am suicidal because I see myself as a failure. Low self esteem. Physically and mentally abused by father and brother as i was growing up. I was told i would never amount to much. . . .

    Fact is, I really am successful in many things. I just don't seem to see it clearly, or appreciate the things that have gone right. I just focus on what has gone wrong. Half full.

    Anywho, thanks for the support. I am finding this forum helpful.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    diver, tell me about it re. half empty vs half full...

    i was emotionally and physcially abused as a kid. years went by without it being a huge issue, but then depression struck. and underneath that depression emerged all the voices of my childhood - i punish myself more these days than my father ever did, to be honest. i guess i took up where he left off...

    that's why i'm headed to therapy, i want the negative voices to lose their power, i want to be free to be a not-perfect human being, doing her best. i want that to be enough.

    hang in there,
  6. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    Hey, Catherine, thanks for the reply. I think it is a pattern to have it "hit home" later in life. I must say I was depressed since I was young, and had suicidal/run away from home thoughts. But it has gotten worse as I have aged. I AM punishing myself more than my dad ever did. And I don't seem to be able to control it...it is like a part of me. I don't want to discourage you, not at all, but I've been in therapy for the past two years, and it doesn't seem to be helping me. I take three psycho drugs. . . . no real help. Arrrrrrrrrgggggggggg :frustration sets in:
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