A Promise

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blacknblue, May 7, 2016.

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  1. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    I made a promise to myself that i would hold on until my beautiful daughter finishes school - this is 2.5 years. Everyday its like a mantra 2.5 years, only 2 and a half more years. But lately i'm sure that I can't make it. My inner pain is just growing and growing without relief and I know that she would be better off without me now. Just about anyone would be a better mother than me right now. I'm so tired and feel so isolated. I did have some support for a short while but it seems that this was temporary. I find myself googling methods as it brings me a semblance of comfort. I don't want to get it wrong. I feel I'm running out of time to hold on - it's just slipping through my fingers as my pain and despair deepens
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I understand. I have set a deadline of sorts for myself yet like most things in life it is fluid. I hope that things change for you.
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    How do you know she would be better off?

    This deadline of yours is undermining everything you do for your recovery.

    Suicidal planning is extremely serious. Call emergency services. You need a break to give you time to see more clearly
    Freya likes this.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I hope you'll reach out for help so that you don't end up harming yourself. Your daughter needs her mother in her life; I realize your mind is trying to tell you otherwise, but it absolutely isn't true. The best thing you could do right now is to try and get yourself some help. Losing you could literally destroy your daughter.
  5. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do understand your answer but I am so down that I have become this pathetic excuse for a mother. Surely she deserves more than this? I'm just so tired I don't feel able to keep the deal I made with myself
  6. bobbob

    bobbob Well-Known Member

    From the little I know of you (incluidng from the chat box), I find it very hard to believe that you are a bad mum. A struggling mum maybe, but not a bad one. I'm guessing that what your daughter needs and deserves is you. But maybe a you who is planning to stay with her and watch her grow up and have her own kids. Depression makes us feel that we are no good and that people are better off without us. But it simply isnt true. U seem like a lovely person and I'm guessing that you have an awful lot to give you daughter in the years ahead.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

    I have a feeling no matter what, no one could ever replace you as your child's mother. The mere fact that you are making this post, and having these doubts tell me just the opposite. You care about your child.

    I really hope you get some help, hun. Are you in therapy or counseling, medication? What else could help you get a better life? Is there something that needs to change?
  8. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    Thanks Phantom Lady - I love my child this is why I feel she would be better off with someone better equipped psychologically to care for her. I fear I am failing her as I sink lower and lower. I am just so tired - my time is running out
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    But why not get help?
  10. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    I have counselling and medication but still feel like im losing this battle.
  11. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Have you told them how you feel? Maybe you need some more help than what you have now?

    Is there any depressants in your every day life that you could change?
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Have you always had depression or is this something recent? You need to tell your doctor and your therapist how you are feeling, they might prescribe something else or tweak your medication or offer you a new type of therapy. It's very important to have good communication with those who are helping you so they can work with you. I'm sure your daughter loves you dearly and vice versa but please hold on and get the help you need :)
  13. blacknblue

    blacknblue Well-Known Member

    Thanks Petal, I am trying. I really am. Depression is so isolating and lonely. I have no good friends to talk to just my own head which is yelling at me enough is enough. She deserves so much more
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that hun. You CAN be the mother she deserves if you get the right help, I know you are trying and I have huge respect for that but please seek the help of a professional.
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, please remoember we all suffer here in one way or another. You have to remain strong and keep posting as we really care about YOU. I know you struggling with feelings but please saying to yourself that we are your friends and really care about you.

    Depression is hard but you can get through this tough period in your life. Sometimes living with such feelings is hard but sometimes you deal with these feelings on a hor by hot or even day by day basis.
    Keep posting here as you know others from each the corners of this planet do care about YOU.
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