A proper hello, with background

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Jimbojak, Aug 29, 2012.

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  1. Jimbojak

    Jimbojak Member

    Greetings, everyone. I'm a twenty five year old man from the US. It's difficult to say what's on my mind so I figure I may as well just let it out. My family has a long history of suicide: when my grandfather was twelve his dad killed himself and when my dad was thirty three, my grandfather ended his life. At fourteen I had to deal with the same situation

    At twenty five, I'm really not sure if I can carry on too much longer. If I weren't a naturalist I would probably say my family is cursed. Now, with no serious prospects, or at least no motivation for prospects that may be availible there just doesn't seem to be any real point to it all. I hope to get to know some people here at least.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...why do you think you have no prospects? I know I have felt both apathetic and hopeless when depressed...and about family history...my father was less than a primate (as I say no offense to primates) an pathological, horrific person...I know I am not...some family pathology can be circumvented...please do not cast yourself because of what your family has done...hoping to hear more and yes, this is a good place to meet really caring people
     
  3. Jimbojak

    Jimbojak Member

    Until last week I was in exactly the opposite situation. I thought my dad was the greastest man who ever walked the Earth. I was telling my mom a story I'd heard about him, where he had knocked some Menonite's teeth out because the man beat his son and I was so proud

    Then she told me how he had tried to kill them both when I was thirteen. It's like my whole identity is gone. I had spent my entire life emulating him by trying to be what I thought he would want me to be: a good man. Now that I have realised just how sick he was, I'm not sure I can deal with having that sort of potential.

    What's the point of living if you know you have to be alone, just to make sure you don't hurt someone else that you love?
     
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Jimbojak, I saw a movie tonight that relates to this here.

    In the movie, a daughter loses her memory, and goes back to a family that she initially left. She learns later on, that her father was cheating on her mom, with her best friend (the daughter's best friend was with her dad).

    She was angry at her mother for not leaving.

    This was the initial reason why she left the family and did not speak to them. The Mom then said, that one day she was looking around the house, and saw pictures of her daughters... and thought about the life she had, and the children she had been given.

    She said that she did not leave, not because what he did was ok, and not because of all these reasons that people might think she stayed. But she stayed, because she could not leave him for the ONE thing he did wrong, when there were so many other things he did right. He gave her many things in her life, like a home, children, a family etc...

    She said that she CHOSE to forgive him, for that, and in doing so, could herself move on as well.

    I believe that this applies here. In other words: your father may have done wrong, and you are again, just learning about it now; but that does not mean that he did not do anything right either. It does not get to take away from the things that he did do well, or the things that he tried to keep afloat etc...

    Your mother will have to think a certain way about this man, if he did threaten her child... it is her job to put her children before anyone else, including the father. It is her job to be concerned, and to be weary, and to want to warn. It is her job to absolutely feel that way; and of course she will lay it out plainly for you on the table, because how else could she possibly feel about it?

    BUT, you are allowed to think how you want here, differently and more objectively from it than your mother does, with her maternal instinct. You said you thought your Dad was such a great guy, you looked up to him. But were you seeing all the flaws, and everything that went wrong? Doesn't seem like it.

    Was what you were looking up to wrong? Was the person you thought he was, a bad guy? Doesn't seem like it.

    Who you believed in, and who you looked up to, was the good that you were able to find in that man. It was the part that you chose to see, and the part that you wanted to become. That is not gone, with things from the past either, because those things existed at the very same time that you were thinking this way about him too. But did your thinking that way put you in danger?

    It appears that it maybe gave you some hope, and gave you something to look forward to, and a positive spin on things. Every child needs that, even if it's from an unlikely source, but who better to get that from, than your own father, your own parent in the first place?

    On the flipside of the coin, you again saw in him what you wanted to be, you said you are not sure if you can deal with that kind of potential in yourself; are you thinking here that because he was sick, and because you followed his lead and example; that this means you will become that?

    Heck no.

    You obviously see what is wrong, and where he went wrong too. That is the objectivity that you have, of not BEING him, but being a whole other being, who can stand on the outside, and look in. You are right now standing on the outside looking in, thinking that this must be who you are too.

    But who you are, was always chosen by you. That hopeful child chose to see amazing things in other people, and you need to bring that child back out, to remind yourself to see the amazing part of yourself.

    The job of a parent, by the way, especially a father, is to actually teach you how to father yourself, on your own. That is their real role, is to train you how to be able to nurture, and support, and provide for yourself. He obviously somehow did this on a level, if you are looking up to him; but what you have to do is realize this too and come to terms with what you needed from him as a father, take the good, and apply that to what you need to father yourself with now, and how you need to be your own paternal person on the inside to survive in life.

    Another thing I want to say to you, is that often times children will look at a father with his relationship with their mom, and think that if he is bad to their mom, or if he is a bad husband; that this means he is a bad father as well. But the two cannot be more separate.

    Also, with all that you mentioned going on, with people exiting life in such a traumatic way, it would not surprise me, if the reason behind him thinking about harming his own child(ren) or the mother of those child(ren); might have been the idea that if he left, they might struggle, and maybe it was just this idea of ending the pain.

    But you haven't mentioned how this came about, or what kind of threat it was, or how often etc...

    Either way, nobody makes such a threat, who has a sane mindset... or who is mentally alright. Obviously it was emotionally fuelled; and your father probably needed a lot of help in that moment. That is something to perhaps consider as well. People often make the most rash and harsh decisions when they act on their emotions. It's not a rational process, it's not the right thing in the moment... I don't imagine he thought to highly of himself when the emotions calmed, and he sat down and looked at his behaviour and what he was about to try and do etc...
     
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi jimbo.. And welcome.. My nickname is often jimbo so glad to meet you now.. Thought is the heck with what the older generations have done.. Maybe you should take it upon yourself to change the family's destiny and future.. I have already done that myself.. Think you can do it also.. We will be here and around to try and help you with this!!!!
     
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Jimbo, pleased you have found SF - and some fantastic replies up there! Do hope you can write/talk it out with caring souls who know that life can certainly become very different for you. We are all here trying to change things around to increase hope and a feeling of being very OK, and being able to acknowledge other peoples' stuff ups for what they were - they do not have to affect us, we can become separate from our emotional "inheritance" - with support and insight :) God bless,
     
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