A question for all the men here.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ~CazzaAngel~, Sep 17, 2010.

  1. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    So, this is not meant to insult anyone - first off... So, please no-one insult anyone. :)

    OK, so, I was looking earlier on SF and I saw a couple threads about cheating, and seemed directed at men. Later, I went with someone to run errands and we stopped in Hasting's (for those of you that don't know what that is, it's a book and entertainment store; video games, movies, rentals, CDs, books, etc).

    I went to the book area, as that's usually where I go there lol... I made my way to the self-improvement area, as I always do -- I generally check on books to do with depression, anxiety, etc. But that area has a mix of books all together: Depression, Bipolar, Anxiety, Self-esteem recovery, relationships (and I even saw a book in there that should NOT be there, that I looked at and had to make myself put down; it was about dying.. Was shocked it was in Self Improvement section! But, moving on).. Right next to a depression help book, I saw one that I can't remember the exact name of, it was something like "Men and the truth about them" or something like that; I was curious what exactly it was -- I picked it up and looked at the back of the cover and index... It was written by 3 young-ish men (I'd say around 30), and the index said something like "The ugly truth about men", mind you, this was written by 3 men! It wasn't written by an angry woman, lol. So, this all reminded me of the couple threads on here that I'd read about men cheating. I read through that section of the book -- they were talking about how for women to tell if a man was just after sex, if they were interested in more, and they talked about men cheating -- also, how to tell if they are. They mentioned for about 3 pages that all men do cheat, and the few that don't cheat, seriously contemplate actually cheating; and by that, they weren't referring to fantasizing or checking women out, they meant actually went out and considered taking someone home. They noted that women and men are different the way they are set up, and women don't feel the need to cheat and be with a large variety of other people, but men do. They also noted that married men were more common to cheat than even people in a serious relationship, because they need a variety, and they feel everything crashes down, if they don't get such.

    OK, so, this/these is/are my question(s) to you men here: Is all of that true? Do you all feel you need sex with lots of women? Also, have you ever cheated before, while in a serious relationship? (I'm just curious, at this point; the threads and the book made me wonder - there will be no flaming, by me, and since I asked that no-one insults anyone, this should be a peaceful thread:) )
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2010
  2. Nyu

    Nyu Well-Known Member

    I hope that's not true =(
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    One thing that should be noted is that a lot of cheating isn't about sex. I can't imagine that I'd ever cheat for sex. I've never been in a serious relationship, though, so I'm not sure. However, a lot of cheating is caused by a lack/loss of intimacy in the main relationship. I could see that happening for me if the situation ended up that way - being lonely while in a relationship would be thoroughly awful.
  4. No_Life

    No_Life Well-Known Member

    biologically, that makes sense. its stupid for a successful virile male to continue to stay with one female once she has borne young when the only purpose to this god-forsaken life is to spread your genes as widely and successfully as possible before death. i think that all healthy men have the urge to take ANY sex thats offered to them, nomatter who from, but are capable of denying those urges for example if the person isnt attractive or they have a commitment. that said, most guys who stay with one female in a long-term relationship or marriage ARE committed and in love and so it dosent really matter if they have an urge to cheat or not, they will generally not accept the urge unless theyre beginning to cease finding their gf/wife attractive or they are simply not as committed as they should be.

    just my thoughts though.
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree lack/loss of closeness or intimacy would be horrible. But, they actually said that most of the time it isn't about not being happy with their partner, or feeling something is lacking in their relationship. The author or one of them said that it was about lack of variety, that men need that, and they go in a downward spiral with out it... Thy even said if they had a perfect relationship, and a drop dead wife, that they'd still consider cheating, because they need more women. I personally didn't understand, and thought it couldn't be just like that for everyone. That made me curious and since I am female, I thought I'd make a discussion about it, so men can reply. And fill it in -- I was thinking it couldn't be 100% like they said, it sounded hasty to me, but like I said, I'm not a man.
  6. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I once had a wife, and another wife (non-legal) living in the same house, and my job was to provide for all my children by both spouses.

    I have to admit, it was about spreading my genes. It wasn't about cheating, since I asked for permission from my first (legal) wife to get a second wife.

    It was my mental illness that caused all of this, and now that I am divorced, and we all have gone our seperate ways, I find that I have caused alot of destruction. Not only on the lives of my significant others, but myself.

    Because of this, I will never reproduce again.
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Instinctively? Sure without the bonds of a relationship I would want to screw every female I suppose. But I have a mind, and a self created heart. Leading to morals, ethics, boundaries, choices, directions ect. So, no. I dont have a need, I might get urges or impulses, but those are just something to be understood or supressed or tweaked. My basic instincts dont define who i am, I care more about my gf than what my basic instincts might desire. I am who I make myself be.

    that statment is pretty general and sexist about how all men want that. It's almost as bad as saying all women want to be mothers or want to clean. Just saying.
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I didn't say it. I was just stating what that book said. I was actually hoping it wasn't fully true, to be honest.
  9. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Oh sorry I know you didnt say it. I was kinda speaking to the writer(s) I suppose when I wrote that.
    When it comes to defining the males and females of our species, don't listen to anyone that blankets one sex with a behavior distinction. Alot of these characteristics are created by the influence of the people around us/the societies we live in. But at the end of the day it's all individual.

    One could say all male dogs mark their territory by lifting their back leg and pissing. Which isn't true. For starters my gf's femal dog does this because of the male dogs she was brought up with believe it or not.

    These general distinctions are ok I suppose to be aware of for people who need to protect themselves from future harm by knowing certain specific traits to look for. But to automatically say every male/female has these certain traits is very wrong, and will only lead to a blind life. Just my opinon :)
  10. IAD121212

    IAD121212 Well-Known Member

    I used to have the urge to have sex with lots of women. Now, I'd be quite happy if I never had sex again. I find it all pretty boring and messy to be honest.

    Yes, I've cheated in the past. Four times in my first marriage but not at all with my second (common law) marriage.
  11. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    The opinion of three men does not speak for the billions of others; this book is asinine and just trying to sell copies. There is nothing to figure out. If someone (regardless of gender) loves you, they will stay with you. if they don't; they were just using you or settling until the next best thing came along. That's the nature of the beast. How is this even a question? That's like me watching Sex and the City and saying "is it true that all women care about are shoes?"
  12. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    (Emphasis added)

    If those were the words they used (or something similar), I wouldn't take this book seriously at all. Also, a book titled "The Ugly Truth About Men" has a clear motive, and is guaranteed to be biased. These authors weren't behavioral scientists, I assume.

    Yes, nearly all men desire sex and I would assume most would think about sex outside of a relationship (definitely not all, though). This doesn't mean they think "I should/should I cheat on my wife/girlfriend/partner", it means they think "I wonder what it would be like to sleep with that woman" or "I wouldn't mind sleeping with her".
    This isn't cheating, or seriously considering it, this is basic human curiosity. We don't love our partners any less for it, and we can't shut off a part of our brain because we are in a relationship. If men were told they had to think only about their partner, and not about any other female at all ever, I think there would be many more single guys out there.

    I don't know how many guys actually do cheat on their partners, but seeing as I barely ever hear about it in day to day life, and hearing nothing about the 'all men' claim outside of this book you have mentioned (or some people's biased opinions), I think it's safe to say these writers are making stuff up for money. The book obviously caught your eye, imagine the many other women who noticed it as well. Hell, even I want to buy that book to read what it claims.

    And I personally wouldn't cheat, regardless of how a relationship was going. If I were in a bad relationship I would end it, not cheat on her. Even if I had the opportunity I wouldn't, and if it were offered, I would say no.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2010
  13. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I too thought it sounded pretty "all or nothing". It didn't make sense to me, and then I thought "This can't be so, can it?" ..but they mentioned women were totally different than men, and etc. So, I was really curious to hear what males thought, and if it was even close. Thankfully, I'm seeing that what was written is not so (At least on the all or nothing scale). I was really starting to wonder about human beings. By the way, not just male human beings; people as whole, and life -- I was fairly confused.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Biologically, it makes sense for men to spread their genes with as many women as possible, thereby increasing the amount of offspring produced. But we're not cavemen anymore and I don't think that the majority of men are like this. Cheaters will allways be cheaters, be they men or women. I think some people are wired to cheat and others are wired for monogamy.
  15. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    This is why I don't check out books, there's so many stupid, junk books like this being sold. I can't even go into a bookstore anymore. Any idiot can write a book these days.