I wanted to make a list of what is keeping me from committing suicide (Pros) and what is pushing me toward taking my own life (Cons), with a little explanation on both lists. Pros My loving wife Atheism Cons Out of work for nearly two years Close to losing my home and going bankrupt OCD Depression Boredom Hopelessness Fear A little more detail, I think the major factor keeping me from acting on my impulses (other than my own stubbornness), is that I do not want to hurt my wife or leave her alone. I know she would not cope well with losing me and she would still be stuck with all of our debt. Atheism is one of my pros? Yes knowing that there is no reward or better place for me to go when I die, helps to fuel the little resolve that I have that keeps me going. I know that many people find solace in religion but I was never one to believe in it. I believe in good and evil, without having to justify my actions or those of others to a higher power. So on to the cons, out of work for nearly two years. I have a ton of experience but I just cannot find a job. I can't even seem to get a job at my local McDonalds. The economy is just that bad. I tried to start up a personal business with what savings I had, but it did not take off and my debts are getting worse and worse as I remain unemployed. I have a very high IQ which is actually one of the things that is pulling me down. Without work my brain has no challenge or anything to focus on, so when the boredom of having nothing to do every day except fill out applications sets in my brain turns to thoughts on suicide. I have one irrational fear that I just cannot seem to cope with that is making all of this worse. Talking on the telephone to strangers causes me to have panic attacks. I am really good at hiding this; people on the phone with me cannot tell how bad it is shaking me. Knowing that I have to call someone I don't know fills me with such dread. I wish there was a reason to explain why I feel this way but I have none. I think the OCD thing is part of my depression. When I want to do something I would normally find joy in, I get an overwhelming urge to clean and I have to do it a certain way. I know this is my first post and most will probably be in the TL; DR crowd, but this list is more for me than it is for anyone else. I guess I just need to vent.