A question of balance

[Voltaire]

I wanted to make a list of what is keeping me from committing suicide (Pros) and what is pushing me toward taking my own life (Cons), with a little explanation on both lists.

Pros
My loving wife
Atheism

Cons
Out of work for nearly two years
Close to losing my home and going bankrupt
OCD
Depression
Boredom
Hopelessness
Fear

A little more detail, I think the major factor keeping me from acting on my impulses (other than my own stubbornness), is that I do not want to hurt my wife or leave her alone. I know she would not cope well with losing me and she would still be stuck with all of our debt.

Atheism is one of my pros? Yes knowing that there is no reward or better place for me to go when I die, helps to fuel the little resolve that I have that keeps me going.

I know that many people find solace in religion but I was never one to believe in it. I believe in good and evil, without having to justify my actions or those of others to a higher power.

So on to the cons, out of work for nearly two years. I have a ton of experience but I just cannot find a job. I can't even seem to get a job at my local McDonalds. The economy is just that bad. I tried to start up a personal business with what savings I had, but it did not take off and my debts are getting worse and worse as I remain unemployed.

I have a very high IQ which is actually one of the things that is pulling me down. Without work my brain has no challenge or anything to focus on, so when the boredom of having nothing to do every day except fill out applications sets in my brain turns to thoughts on suicide.

I have one irrational fear that I just cannot seem to cope with that is making all of this worse.

Talking on the telephone to strangers causes me to have panic attacks. I am really good at hiding this; people on the phone with me cannot tell how bad it is shaking me. Knowing that I have to call someone I don't know fills me with such dread. I wish there was a reason to explain why I feel this way but I have none.

I think the OCD thing is part of my depression. When I want to do something I would normally find joy in, I get an overwhelming urge to clean and I have to do it a certain way.

I know this is my first post and most will probably be in the TL; DR crowd, but this list is more for me than it is for anyone else. I guess I just need to vent.

 

[Brandt]

Have you talked to your wife about your thoughts? If I had a soulmate they would be the first person I turned to for help. For work have you thought about relocating to another area that may have more options? I know that the economy is horrible, I'm unemployed myself and am running out of money, and that it would cost money to move but if there's more available you'll have a higher possibility of getting hired. Do you have any hobbies to help with the boredom? Personally, I'm a techy nerd and love computers so one thing I've attempt to do is learn how to code websites and such. Although I'm still no good at it, I'm more into building them, I've seen myself spend hours coding a website and it seems like only minutes has gone by.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a job.

 

[Voltaire]

To relocate would require some major repairs to the house we own that we cannot afford to do. I am not very handy so the repairs would be far beyond my skill level.

The other factor that has stopped relocation is that my wife has her dream job that she has wanted since she was a little girl and relocation would force her to leave it and start over.

I did try to speak to her about my feelings, but she immediately made me feel guilty for even thinking about it. This only deepened my depression and I no longer wish to trouble her with what is going on in my mind. I am barely holding on and guilt is the last thing I need added to my plate.

I try to throw myself into my hobbies but I just don't enjoy them as I had at one time.

Sometimes I feel like I should take up acting, because so many people who know me have no idea how bad things are. I have become a master of keeping my darker emotions below the surface where it only destroys me but not those around me.

 

[Voltaire]

I found a job at last but things are still quite dire when it comes to finances. I thought that once I found a job things would get better, but it seems things are only getting worse. I don't know what to do. If anything thoughts of ending it all are even worse now.