A quick introduction

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Bipolar2andu, Oct 7, 2006.

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  1. Bipolar2andu

    Bipolar2andu Guest

    Hi,

    I'm new to this forum. For the past twenty or so years my family has felt that things were just not right for me. After being molested for over four years and living with a step mother whom would beat me to no end, well, I tried to bottle everything up for many years.

    I became married, but after only three years of marriage my wife became interested in another man and told me she didn't love me anymore, and only married me to get away from her own parents. This caused me to go into a deep depression and I finally tried to seek help. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Mood Disorder, Depression and Anxiety.

    My family said they didn't want anything to do with me due to my illness so here I am, alone again. My problem has always been being alone, and being accepted. I have always done for others while not doing for myself. I don't sleep at night, and I still have vivid images of my uncle molesting me, and images of my step mom putting here fist against my face. I still see myself being locked in my room for ten or more hours a day, and how my grand parents would place me in the root cellar for several hours as a way to punish me when they became mad at me. I wake up sometimes crying.

    I've tried to be a good person....and sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can't cry, and when I do try to reach out my family puts me down, cursing me or telling me what a horrible person I am. I've never hurt anyone before, I've only had love for people....but maybe my life would be simplier if I just ended it all.....no more pain, noone to put me down anymore.........I don't want to be alone, and I miss my dad so deeply and I know if I died today I hope I can see my dad and know that maybe, JUST MAYBE someone will put there arms around me and say "I do love you".

    I remember during my dads funderal, my uncle looked at me and said "You were the cause of this....you should be the one in the casket, not your dad"...tho my dad died of cancer.
     
  2. immure

    immure Account Closed

    i am sorry u have to be the one who heads everyones avoidens. what i mean is usually when people don t wanna deal wityh there problems they all pick on one or two family members sayin they r the root of all the mess. but this is classic avoidence. not to be taken personally. hard to be the bigger person but sounds like ur gonna have to for chances r they r not gonna change. and that is not ur burdon. u need to know u r lovable in all ways any human can be. u need to not deny ur past but not get lost in it either for it has the power to eat ur spirit if u let it. i have a favorite sayin "fake it till u make it". for there r things that i can not change or undo in myself that would have me serve depression like behavior deep. but i just fight the erge to go to this place. its a bone box. keep lookin forward to dreams and hopes u may have and move towards these nomatter how insignificant they may appear. for u r worth ur hearts desire. despite what others and ur gloom might have u believe. hang in and welcome this is a place that can feel alittle like home so stick around and let us all work at paintin a better picture in our lives.
     
  3. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    I´m sorry you had to go through that horrible childhood.

    Did you have counseling? A therapist would be good... you could talk about your uncle and step-mother, grandparents. You need to solve your past to create your future.
    Ending life is not the way.

    Unfortunately sometimes the people who were supposed to protect us, don´t do it.

    I don´t know your family. But it´s clear you all have a lot of problems. Maybe right now it´s not the time for an approach. Before that you have to solve things inside yourself.
    But it´s a waiste of time when in a relationship only one person is investing. I don´t see a part of my family for 6 years, now. And you know one thing... i don´t miss them. And i don´t feel anything for them. When i was a child they were always making me feel bad and inferior.

    take care,
    Maria
     
  4. Bipolar2andu

    Bipolar2andu Guest

    Yes I did seek a counselor, it was for ten sessons, and I ended up in the hospital for ten days because I wanted to commit suicide. My counselor said the issues in my life and because of my mental illness would require at least out patient counseling at least five days a week, for the next year or so.

    Well, since I moved to TN, there is NO support or help because the state doesn't support Medicade assistance (TennCare cuts, dropping people like flies), so now I have no medication, no support and my depression has come back twice as bad.

    I've been trying to find a job, but no luck....my Dr. (Before I moved to TN) deemed me fully disabled due to my GAF score of only a 40 :(.......my life sucks soooooooooooo bad.......I wish I wasen't so alone.
     
  5. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    I understand your problems. And without money it´s even harder.

    I don´t understand the medical Assistance in your country but i was told here this "Are you getting any kind of counseling or medication for your depression and anxiety problems? I don't know where you live but in many places there are community mental health agencies, either government-run or private, that give counseling services based on income."

    I really think this is the most important thing you have to do. Talk to someone that can help you.

    I hope you´ll find a job. I´m trying to find one myself but it´s no easy for someone like me....

    I´m here if you need someone to talk to.

    Your online new friend,
    Maria
     
  6. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Welcome :)

    Hope to see you around

    Take care

    Joe :)
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am glad you came and told us about yourself. I hope you are able to find the suport here that you are searchng for. Take care :hug:
     
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF

    take care

    vikki x
     
  9. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    :welcome:

    TDM
     
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