B
Hi,
I'm new to this forum. For the past twenty or so years my family has felt that things were just not right for me. After being molested for over four years and living with a step mother whom would beat me to no end, well, I tried to bottle everything up for many years.
I became married, but after only three years of marriage my wife became interested in another man and told me she didn't love me anymore, and only married me to get away from her own parents. This caused me to go into a deep depression and I finally tried to seek help. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Mood Disorder, Depression and Anxiety.
My family said they didn't want anything to do with me due to my illness so here I am, alone again. My problem has always been being alone, and being accepted. I have always done for others while not doing for myself. I don't sleep at night, and I still have vivid images of my uncle molesting me, and images of my step mom putting here fist against my face. I still see myself being locked in my room for ten or more hours a day, and how my grand parents would place me in the root cellar for several hours as a way to punish me when they became mad at me. I wake up sometimes crying.
I've tried to be a good person....and sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can't cry, and when I do try to reach out my family puts me down, cursing me or telling me what a horrible person I am. I've never hurt anyone before, I've only had love for people....but maybe my life would be simplier if I just ended it all.....no more pain, noone to put me down anymore.........I don't want to be alone, and I miss my dad so deeply and I know if I died today I hope I can see my dad and know that maybe, JUST MAYBE someone will put there arms around me and say "I do love you".
I remember during my dads funderal, my uncle looked at me and said "You were the cause of this....you should be the one in the casket, not your dad"...tho my dad died of cancer.
I'm new to this forum. For the past twenty or so years my family has felt that things were just not right for me. After being molested for over four years and living with a step mother whom would beat me to no end, well, I tried to bottle everything up for many years.
I became married, but after only three years of marriage my wife became interested in another man and told me she didn't love me anymore, and only married me to get away from her own parents. This caused me to go into a deep depression and I finally tried to seek help. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Mood Disorder, Depression and Anxiety.
My family said they didn't want anything to do with me due to my illness so here I am, alone again. My problem has always been being alone, and being accepted. I have always done for others while not doing for myself. I don't sleep at night, and I still have vivid images of my uncle molesting me, and images of my step mom putting here fist against my face. I still see myself being locked in my room for ten or more hours a day, and how my grand parents would place me in the root cellar for several hours as a way to punish me when they became mad at me. I wake up sometimes crying.
I've tried to be a good person....and sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can't cry, and when I do try to reach out my family puts me down, cursing me or telling me what a horrible person I am. I've never hurt anyone before, I've only had love for people....but maybe my life would be simplier if I just ended it all.....no more pain, noone to put me down anymore.........I don't want to be alone, and I miss my dad so deeply and I know if I died today I hope I can see my dad and know that maybe, JUST MAYBE someone will put there arms around me and say "I do love you".
I remember during my dads funderal, my uncle looked at me and said "You were the cause of this....you should be the one in the casket, not your dad"...tho my dad died of cancer.
.......my life sucks soooooooooooo bad.......I wish I wasen't so alone.
