Hello, I've written essays on Plato's philospher kings theory, on modern day anti-capitalist movements and the impending malthusien crisis, yet I struggle to communicate what I want to say and what a feel on a forum where nobody knows who I am. Is that Ironic ? I just don't have it in me to succeed everytime I take a step forward I seem to end up jumping two steps back. I have never been happy, always miserable my friends would deride me for being depressed when I was a teen(not to my face of course). One actually joked if they were to give me a £10 pound note would I jump off a bridge. Which showed her intelligence really why would I want money if I intended to jump off a bridge moron ! My unhappiness in my younger days spawned from a mother who viewed who her children as a cash cow or baby sitter. She put her self before her children and though I dont have or want kids I can never forgive her for that. At the minute I am tired of life, I was at university studying Politics and History but I suspended my studies because my father has a terminal heart condition, which means he can't work and so struggles for money. So I left uni thinking time with my dad and two younger sisters would be a smart move, turns out not so much.I maxed my overdraft in the process so the bank sent me a letter threatening me with legal action, my employment company that I'm trying to join are quizzing me about what I have been doing since I left uni i.e nothing. My university has since withdawn my indefinite place a uni and the goverment has removed the benefit which helps pay for my dads house that my sisters live in meaning it could be taken by the bank and thier out on the street. It's just it's all getting a bit too much, I just can't deal with things. I have some good hearted mates but they don't see things the way I see them. Hell I don't even know if I'm depressed or just feeling sorry for myself perhaps just trying to deflect my uselessness as something thats not my fault an exscuse of some sort. Sometimes I feel as if things are not that bad that I'm still good enough to do something, to help someone or have an impact in some way but other times that drive abandons me and I just want to be left alone and the world to pass be by. That feeling goes back years it's not a recent thing, and beacsue of that I have developed a sort of numbness towards people both friends and family i think I've finally stopped caring. I've never thought about killing myself not properly anyways, but over the years I have thought about the impact it would have and it's not inspiring stuff. But If I could, when I go to sleep I'd not wake up.