A rant. a long rant

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by bornslippy, Feb 1, 2011.

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  1. bornslippy

    bornslippy Member

    Hello, I've written essays on Plato's philospher kings theory, on modern day anti-capitalist movements and the impending malthusien crisis, yet I struggle to communicate what I want to say and what a feel on a forum where nobody knows who I am. Is that Ironic ?

    I just don't have it in me to succeed everytime I take a step forward I seem to end up jumping two steps back. I have never been happy, always miserable my friends would deride me for being depressed when I was a teen(not to my face of course). One actually joked if they were to give me a £10 pound note would I jump off a bridge. Which showed her intelligence really why would I want money if I intended to jump off a bridge moron !

    My unhappiness in my younger days spawned from a mother who viewed who her children as a cash cow or baby sitter. She put her self before her children and though I dont have or want kids I can never forgive her for that.

    At the minute I am tired of life, I was at university studying Politics and History but I suspended my studies because my father has a terminal heart condition, which means he can't work and so struggles for money. So I left uni thinking time with my dad and two younger sisters would be a smart move, turns out not so much.I maxed my overdraft in the process so the bank sent me a letter threatening me with legal action, my employment company that I'm trying to join are quizzing me about what I have been doing since I left uni i.e nothing. My university has since withdawn my indefinite place a uni and the goverment has removed the benefit which helps pay for my dads house that my sisters live in meaning it could be taken by the bank and thier out on the street.

    It's just it's all getting a bit too much, I just can't deal with things. I have some good hearted mates but they don't see things the way I see them. Hell I don't even know if I'm depressed or just feeling sorry for myself perhaps just trying to deflect my uselessness as something thats not my fault an exscuse of some sort.

    Sometimes I feel as if things are not that bad that I'm still good enough to do something, to help someone or have an impact in some way but other times that drive abandons me and I just want to be left alone and the world to pass be by. That feeling goes back years it's not a recent thing, and beacsue of that I have developed a sort of numbness towards people both friends and family i think I've finally stopped caring.

    I've never thought about killing myself not properly anyways, but over the years I have thought about the impact it would have and it's not inspiring stuff. But If I could, when I go to sleep I'd not wake up.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi I am glad you are able to vent here You seem so overwhelmed with family matters it is hard seeing ones you love not have the control they use to have. Have you thought about going to your doctor and get some meds for depression it seems you are in a depressive state maybe even talk to councilor at your uni Just want you know you are being heard and if you need to talk please keep posting okay or pm me anytime hugs
  3. bornslippy

    bornslippy Member

    Hi thanks for the reply, yeah the abilty to vent helped considerably as has this site, the knowledge that others have a hard time sort of makes me feel less isolated if you get me.

    I haven't been to the doctors about it, am not sure why male pride maybe. When I left uni they offered to introduce me to a councillor but I said no again pobably because of pride, I have thought about going to the doctors but I just imagine that they would say It was nonsense and I'm just being soft wheather that would be the case I know is doubtful since My elder sister was on anti-depressants for a few years.

    But I've been thinking I'll give it a few days If i still feel this shit I will go.

    Kind regards Bornslipppy.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can assure you your doctor won't think it is nonsense. you explain like you did here he will listen. Pride dam that emotion but one will not have pride if you fall apart and get worse right. you can ask your gp for some help you know with the meds i am able to do more and see more clearly I hope you get the courage to ask for help okay It took courage to post here so i know you have it hugs
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You seem to have so much pressure right now that I feel you are not giving yourself the credit and compassion you deserve...you left your studies to help your family...you are burdened financially and emotionally, and you have lost your place at the university...of course, when you are ready you will find another university...but more importantly, I hope you find both the self compassion to acknowledge that you have the right to how you feel, and find a way to understand that getting help is a more prideful situation than suffering...so glad you shared with us, and please PM me if I can help in any way...I have been in therapy forever (almost) so maybe we can talk about the process and how to start...just a thought...big hugs, J
  6. Oh, goodness. I read your story and no wonder you're feeling numb! That's an incredible amount of pressure for anyone to be under, much less someone your age. Goodness. You should be out having fun and exploring your loves and passions knowing that your parents will support you, rather than worrying about how your family is doing, or what your bank account balance is. I'm so sorry.

    To me you sound as though you've been incredibly strong.

    Would it be possible for you to return to the university and speak to a counselor there? Sometimes being back in some sort of structured program can help, especially if you know there are resources to support you.

    And, out of curiosity, what does make you feel alive again, or what used to make you feel excited and enthusiastic? Even if it takes a little digging, or time to remember, I'd love to hear.
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Welcome to SF.
  8. bornslippy

    bornslippy Member

    Well firstly let me apologise for not posting in a while and not answering your questions (audrey). After posting on here I felt a lot better and things didn't look so bleek, in fact I was quite positive and thus thought maybe I'd got through the dark patch. Well I was wrong and what set me off was a job rejection, 500 people applied for this job I got into the final four (no matter how I say it, it always sounds like i'm talking about the x factor) Now I know I should be pleased with beating 496 people but all I can think about is how am still in the shit.

    Another thing Buddhism, Is something I was looking into which I think is partly why I've been a bit better recently as far as I can tell it's about not giving a shit about things/problems created by man ie work, taxes and debt as none of it's natural which makes it unimportant.

    Rant over, sorry.
  9. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hey bornslippy :)
    I'm sorry that you are struggling again at the moment. Firstly, well done for getting as far as you did within the job interview process, beating 496 people is something to be proud of, but I can understand why you feel unsatisfied. I'm also from the UK and know that jobs around here are pretty scarce at the moment, but please don't give up hope, keep looking around, and give yourself time. Try not to set too high expectations of yourself, or beat yourself up when it doesn't always work out. All anyone can do is try. Also, I hope the Buddhism works out for you too :) . Please keep posting if you need to, and letting us know what is going on for you. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. Take care :arms:
  10. the giaour

    the giaour New Member

    have faith in yourself and others
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