A rant about nothing.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Apr 17, 2007.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Before anyone reads this and has a go at me, please understand that you do not know the circumstances, and before asking me to explain them, understand that I can't.

    This is not something I would normally say, but this is not an normal internet situation.

    And also note: This is not about anyone on this forum (or more accurately this is not knowingly about someone on this forum).

    You go to the doctors because you are craving help, care and attention.

    Yet, when they offer you that help, you run away. Why? Because you don't want to lose that attention. You don't understand that you won't get better instantly or anything like that.

    You run to him so regularly with SI, despite the fact that they have told you that they won't treat you for those things, yet he does.

    What makes you so special?

    You run to him after every tiny thing that you do. You told me you never cut into fat, and yet you still go. Why is it so hard to deal with it yourself? At home? Just a bit of dressing, bandage, maybe steristrips, not hard.

    I cut into fucking tendon and NEVER go. I have lost movement in my arm, yet NEVER go.

    I went when I first started, I got scared by what I did, but you have been doing it for ages.

    You need to stop running to him. Actually, you don't, that in itself doesn't really matter.

    But keep posting.

    I use you for emotional abuse. I deliberately seek you out and talk to you to remind myself how worthless I am. And you know why I do that, yet you STILL rub it in my face.

    You are GREAT at making me feel worthless, so well done.

    You remind me that you are worth helping, you deserve all the support, and I in turn deserve nothing. Because that is what has happened, hasn't it.

    That doctor has given you everything. You know that, yet you refuse it. Why not allow someone who WANTS to get better to do those things. Mind you, if you didn't want it, they wouldn't give it to someone else, because you are so damn fucking special.

    You are a bloody grown woman, now get a fucking grip.

    Like I always told you people on here, I am nasty. But you don't know what this situation is so please don't have a go at me, just know that I already know I am nasty.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    you have a point, I guess some ppl are like that, not all
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's about one specific person and one specific situation. It's not aimed at anyone, or a general rant or anything. I needed to vent about a particular situation.

    But I totally know that not all people are like that. But the one I am ranting about, is.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    He wants to see you. He wants to help you. He wants to be super doctor because you so special.

    Why do some people get preferential treatment and some people get nothing?

    Fuck this stupid bloody fucking world.
  5. what you said needed to be said, noone here thinks your nasty, least of all me. use the thread to rant about that person, its not nasty its getting it out of you , which i think is good.

  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member


    It is nasty, this person is ill. and I am very grudging about the level of support and help she gets. That's nasty.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You're going back to the doctors tomorrow because, according to the doctor, you are GOD!

    You always get fucking double appointments, all the support in the world, yet you don't want it, and then you fucking moan that you don't get enough.

    Get a FUCKING grip!

    You can't have it all ways.

    Think about the people that want help, but the doctors deem them too worthless to help. Think about someone other than yourself for a fucking change, you fucking fool.

    * * * * * * *

    I see that's written about me. I know those words. I know that conversation. You're writing about me. Why? Is it, like her another way to get to me? Because she used to post rants and lies about me to try and get a reaction from me. Your words are true, well, the facts are true, but your words don't make any sense.

    It's screwing with my head. I wish you had never come back.

    * * * * * * * *

    I am so fucking glad you are going home. You, stroppy lady, and you, the gross slurping deaf man.

    You have really tried my patience. You have really stressed me out.

    You aare both very hard to take and I'm glad you are going home. However nasty that is, I don't care.

    * * * * * * * * *

    First time being alone today. Haven't been 'left' alone for a while. This after noon and then two full days on Thrusday and Friday. I wonder what I can get up to. What I can do. The options are endless.
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :sad: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I went and looked at my tablets. I'm desperate to OD. I didn't realise how much I had, three types of anti-deps, blood clotters, three different types of pain killers including something thats extra strength, a prescribed pain killer, sleeping tablets, migraine tablets, antibiotics (that I think are out of date), three or four types of bowel tablets, a huge amount of iron tablets and a huge amount of aspirin.

    The key one is sleeping tablets though. They make it all go away, whatever I do, if I do anything, I can make it all go away.

    I wish it fucking would though.
  11. you can fight this. i no you can. you have come along way. i no how your feeling. ( not exactly but about Od'ing.) just please try not to take them hun. here always. :hug:
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    :hug: likewise
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Don't you DARE not go to your course.

    Your doc has done nothing but fucking help you and you want to throw it back in his face? Take a place and not use it so that no one else can have it? Stop being so bloody pathetic. Yes, it will be scary, but so what, since when did giving in to fear ever get any satisfaction?

    You know what. You are a fucking shame. You do my fucking head it. You rub my face in everything, consciously or not, but you do. You know it hurts me, and why, yet you still fucking do it.

    You are pushing me further, driving me further over the edge with your selfish bloody fucking attitude. Reminding me how worthless I am, how much of a failure I am, how the doctors want me dead, how you are the most special person EVER!

    I HATE you for the way you make me feel, yet I purposefully seek you out because you make me feel so bad. Figure that one out.

    * * * * * * * * *

    Alone all day. So fucking lonely. Woke up singing 'Lonely this Christmas', I know it's not Christmas but my dreams were weird last night. Lonely and alone all fucking day.

    Was awake in the night obsessing about my tablets, even nearly got them out. Haven't been so close to ODing in a dissociated state for maybe 18months. The ODs between then were small and in control.

    I just want it all to go away. I'm on a fucking knife edge with no one to help, no way to make things better, just me, and a knife edge. Just unfortuntely not a knife edge I can cut myself to shreads with.

    * * * * * * * * *

    I hate my dreams.

    Hate them.

    All I dream about all the time is sixth form and my friends. I miss my friends, but hated my sixth form, but my brother will be going there soon.

    All those years ago was the last time I had true friends. I've had friends in between but they were backstabbing fuckers.

    I have just started to try to find away forward (but only because I am bored and whatever, not because I believe I will be alive to complete the course), and yet my mind is staying in the past.

    * * * * * * * * *

    Part of me wants help and support, to 'get better' (despite nothing being wrong with me). I know that anything like that will make me worse, mega worse, which is what happened before.

    But without anything I am in a fucking mess anyway. I can't work because when I try I dissociate. I struggle to leave the house.

    How can I move on and away from this, without help. Yet how can I get help when no one will help.

    And what if it doesn't work anyway.

    It's all fucking screwed

    I just want it to stop.

    Please someone make it stop.
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    So, I've had blood transfusions, some forced on me, some by 'choice' but I felt forced into making that choice.

    I knew they were putting poison in my body. I always told them that. I know they want me to die and stop wasting funds.

    And now I've been proved right with the haemophilia thing. Sure, that was 20 years ago, but who knows what they have put in my veins. They have poisoned me, knowingly.
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Please don't question me about why I am so stressed. How would I answer?

    I'm on the verge of losing the plot?

    I'm fighting as hard as I can not to take an OD?

    The grandparents are incredibly stressful?

    I am so wound up inside because I can't use my coping mechanism?

    I am terrified that I will have to go back to the doctors?

    I am grieving for Loom?

    I am still feeling the repercussions of flipping out at hospital?


    Come on dad, you don't want to hear any of that, so don't ask again.
  16. remember hun, you might be on the verge of losing it, but you arent losing it. thats the most important thing to hold onto.

    fighting as hard as you can. that takes such great strength, if you can go this far, go a little further, if you can reach that, a little more etc.

    having family members over can be one of the most stressful things ever. just remember it wont be forever and hopefully * in the nicest possible way* they will go home soon

    theres more then one coping mechanism *positive mechanism* so maybe try and find some more to use?

    i understand why; and i dont no what to say about that one, sorry hun.

    grief lasts a long time as you no all to well. i wish i could take that away from you, but there is absolutely nothing that i can say or do to help, so i wont try but no that i am thinking of you.

    he's your dad, and im guessing he wants to be there for you, or else he wouldnt of asked. he loves you and wants to help his daughter. let him in and maybe he could help?

    just try and hold on S as much as you can. you no im here for you x
  17. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks :)

    thankfully my grandparents finally went home yesterday, after nearly two weeks, lol. I forgot to tell you that.

    He doesn't really want to know the answers, whenever they hear the answers they cry. How pointless, that's not helping anyone, but hey. There is nothing they can do, they just need to leave me alone emotionally.

    Thanks for the reply though honey :hug:
  18. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Let me share something with you





    I shouldn't be trying to help people anymore​
  19. I know how you feel.