A Reason I Might Not Kill Myself

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Forgotten_Man, Dec 2, 2014.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So I am in one of my better moods today... you know those rare moods when I feel like maybe life is worth continuing to live. This happens from time to time so I decided I needed to get some thoughts down about why I should not kill myself... for a change.

    To be honest I kind of realized why I should not kill myself at my sister's wedding last month. It is nothing so grand as I actually do not want my family to feel sad or anything like that. No I am not that sentimental to them. In fact it was that look the family gets when they see me remaining the same. I acted like this as a high school kid, as a college student, as a young adult, and now I am nearing my actual adult phase. Back when I was in high school everyone rolled their eyes. They might have even had a small laugh at my actions. In college they did the same thing, not honestly believing that I could possibly keep this up. As a young adult, the family smiled and pretended to no see things they were hopeful that my new found job and liberation from the dependence of the family would put this phase to rest. However, at the wedding you could finally see the hope dwindling in their eyes.

    Here I am almost 30 years old, not combing my hair and hiding in a corner to play video games while I was at the reception. I could see the look of shame and disappointment and fear in their faces. That look that made them confused at how I could possibly keep doing this for so long. It was almost like a panic for them. Slowly they are realizing that all their hopes and everything they tell me about "The right person" or "people" is actually bullshit. They watch in horror and sadness as I continue to be alone. As I continue to not make friends as I continue to just do the same thing I have done since high school.

    In all reality, the only reason I can find to keep wanting to live is to watch that hope they have for me slowly fade. Watch them suffer as I just continue down this path. No friends, no lovers, just me and my cat. Yes just us, and they will watch everyday as I remain the same. My siblings will get married, reproduce, then the children will reproduce and the cycle will continue. I will become their worst fear, the weird uncle.

    We all know about the weird family member. You know the one that you invite because they are family and that is it. The one you would never ask to babysit your children heck you do not even want your children alone in the same room with that family member. Yes I am becoming that, as long as I keep down this path. There will be no wedding for me, no spawning, no friends even. It will be fun to watch them all fall into disparage as they cling to the hope that I am normal until I am in my 50s and 60s.

    I guess we will have to see exactly what my mood is the day this cat dies. That is when I will kill myself... maybe something will happen maybe one of my family members will break down when they realize the truth. My dad has not yet witnessed the depths of my reclusion yet... he seems likely to freak out. That will be lots of fun to watch... of course he may just keep it to himself.. who knows.. my cat still has a few years... maybe apathy will have finally taken over... I do not know. What I do know is that this is the only reason I have to want to live. To watch my family suffer as I keep walking down this path.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Forgotten Man. Is this the life YOU want? If it is the life you want, then it doesn't really matter what your family does or thinks. If it is not the life you want, there are options, including therapy and medication, though certainly those require time, energy, "work", and financial means.

    If this is the path you want to be on, then you are doing what you want. If you want something else, what could you do to move in that direction? I think the ball is pretty much in your court.

    PS: Give your cat a snuggle from me. Cats are wonderful companions! :)
     
  3. Phantom9

    Phantom9 New Member

    Been there, done that. Survived it though. I'm an outsider by nature and by preference.

    I take Emergency Books with me to nightclubs. I like clubs, clubs are interesting, but after a while I want a nice quiet dark corner and a book. This is just me and my friends are used to it. Earplugs too. Earplugs are useful.


    If I saw you at one of these events, I would settle down next to you.

    Alone is OK, if that is what you want. Other people's expectations are their problem. A friend would want you to be happy on your terms, not theirs.

    You get to 35 and they give up. You get to 40 and they start getting jealous of your freedom. I got to 47 and got married though - which is the main reason I joined this forum today, but that's another story.

    Right now I am only still alive to take care of my geriatric dog, so I get it. I've been through this before though and I didn't think I would survive his death. I did, but only because my ex boyfriend dragged me off to the doctor the next day and got me on SSRIs for a year.

    That was 17 years ago. I have seen and done a lot in those extra 17 years. Helped a lot of people. Kicked some butt. Played an awful lot of Warcraft.

    One thing that helped enormously was getting a diagnosis of Autism. Yup. I come with a manual. As soon as I found out, I told everyone I knew. They were fine with it and if they weren't they went away and I didn't miss them. People know not to expect my presence at bright, noisy events, they know I'm happier with an ipad than a conversation, they know they don't have to rack their brains to say things tactfully because it's wasted on me anyway, and they know to quit bugging me about my breeding plans because there will never be any.

    Of course I had to go ruin my perfect life by falling in love with a man with children and a demented stalking ex and her 15 lawyers, with a guardian ad litem (children's advocate with no judicial oversight, a fondness for hearsay and corrupt as it gets) who bleed us all dry while doing the best they can to get the kids killed, while darling hubby never sees it coming time and time again... but I hope you get the gist..

    If I have one suggestion for you, it would be this. Help someone and take pleasure in that. A small thing. Carry someone's shopping, give a dollar to a homeless person, something like that.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow funny... I wrote this literally a couple of days before I had to put my cat to sleep.... interesting... I guess I am still here. I have found some kind of peace, which is nice.
     
  5. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    So very sorry about your cat. I thought mine still had a few years left also. :-(
     
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