So I am in one of my better moods today... you know those rare moods when I feel like maybe life is worth continuing to live. This happens from time to time so I decided I needed to get some thoughts down about why I should not kill myself... for a change. To be honest I kind of realized why I should not kill myself at my sister's wedding last month. It is nothing so grand as I actually do not want my family to feel sad or anything like that. No I am not that sentimental to them. In fact it was that look the family gets when they see me remaining the same. I acted like this as a high school kid, as a college student, as a young adult, and now I am nearing my actual adult phase. Back when I was in high school everyone rolled their eyes. They might have even had a small laugh at my actions. In college they did the same thing, not honestly believing that I could possibly keep this up. As a young adult, the family smiled and pretended to no see things they were hopeful that my new found job and liberation from the dependence of the family would put this phase to rest. However, at the wedding you could finally see the hope dwindling in their eyes. Here I am almost 30 years old, not combing my hair and hiding in a corner to play video games while I was at the reception. I could see the look of shame and disappointment and fear in their faces. That look that made them confused at how I could possibly keep doing this for so long. It was almost like a panic for them. Slowly they are realizing that all their hopes and everything they tell me about "The right person" or "people" is actually bullshit. They watch in horror and sadness as I continue to be alone. As I continue to not make friends as I continue to just do the same thing I have done since high school. In all reality, the only reason I can find to keep wanting to live is to watch that hope they have for me slowly fade. Watch them suffer as I just continue down this path. No friends, no lovers, just me and my cat. Yes just us, and they will watch everyday as I remain the same. My siblings will get married, reproduce, then the children will reproduce and the cycle will continue. I will become their worst fear, the weird uncle. We all know about the weird family member. You know the one that you invite because they are family and that is it. The one you would never ask to babysit your children heck you do not even want your children alone in the same room with that family member. Yes I am becoming that, as long as I keep down this path. There will be no wedding for me, no spawning, no friends even. It will be fun to watch them all fall into disparage as they cling to the hope that I am normal until I am in my 50s and 60s. I guess we will have to see exactly what my mood is the day this cat dies. That is when I will kill myself... maybe something will happen maybe one of my family members will break down when they realize the truth. My dad has not yet witnessed the depths of my reclusion yet... he seems likely to freak out. That will be lots of fun to watch... of course he may just keep it to himself.. who knows.. my cat still has a few years... maybe apathy will have finally taken over... I do not know. What I do know is that this is the only reason I have to want to live. To watch my family suffer as I keep walking down this path.