I don't know quite why I'm posting on here but here goes. This is my first posting. On Wednesday I took a big combination of drugs, including <mod edit: *sparkle: methods>. In other words, the kind of combination that might have done the job. I took most of them before going to see my doctor which I suppose must mean subconsciously that I expected and hoped to be 'discovered'. I don't remember anything about the day at all, or the days that followed. Apparently I did see my doctor and was very sleepy and confused. Then I saw the nurse and she tried to persuade me to go to hospital which my doctor had done too apparently. I don't remember. I said I would sit in the reception area and think about it but according to the receptionist I started taking more pills which were in my bag. They emptied the waiting room and called an emergency ambulance paramedics. By the time they arrived I was semiconscious. They took into hospital and when I arrived I was already unconscious and unresponsive. It took them seven hours to wake me up the apparently and they had to call for the anaesthetist in the end to try as I wouldn't respond to anything they gave me or anything they did. So I think it must have been pretty close. Problem is I don't remember anything at all. If I didn't have the bruises all over my body from needles etc I probably wouldn't believe it had happened. I feel like I got away with something. I've never tried seriously before and I worry that if it didn't work I might damage myself and my family would never forgive me and the shock of doing it might convince me to stop trying. The problem is because I don't remember it, I don't feel any shock at all. My family member who came and sat with me in the ER and held my arms down because I was combative told them that it had to be an accidental overdose as I would never ever have done it deliberately. I've come away without any further symptoms from the overdose so all three things have made me even more determined to do it again. I know now that the drugs work in the combination. I just need to take more, take alcohol with them and stay in a place where I won't be discovered and I should be able to die. I'm in turmoil at the moment. The reasons that I want to die are still here and now the restrictions that stop me trying have disappeared. I don't know if any of this makes sense but that's my story. Any comments or advice would be very welcome. I have plenty of drugs still at home to take and so I have means motive and opportunity. I live alone and lonely and still feel like death is the best option for me.
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