A Refugee's Story

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by 1Lefty, Nov 10, 2012.

  1. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    For those who don't understand, I'm glad for you. And if the day comes when you do understand, I offer my regrets to you. And the ones who do understand, maybe there's room in my bubble for you, maybe we're from the same place.

    But I was forcefully exiled from my homeland, and all that was left behind was burned to the ground, there's nothing to go back to.

    I can see that I'm inside a larger bubble, it contains most of the people on earth. But they don't understand me, that what is important to them holds no value for me. And what was important to me, they can't understand my longing. "It's been 3 years, isn't it time to join the rest of us?" No, it's not, because everywhere I see a world I can't belong to. A table full of family, a huge turkey, a ham, pumpkin pies, dinner rolls, casseroles.

    Then, I'll see a husband, choosing some jewelry for his wife, toys for the children, under a tree, ice skating. grand Christmas
    trees, jolly hot cocoa ? I don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas here. Every card I receive with only my name on it brings pain. Or Hanakah, or Kwanza. Or Valentines, Independence Day. Only Memorial Day, And a birthday, and a wedding anniversary day.

    And if something strikes me in the grocery store, there will be tears. And people outside don't understand that in my new country, those tears have been fully paid for, and I don't conform that they believe they are something to be hidden.Anyone to offer a tissue will be told to "Fuck off", in a gentle way of course, for respect of thier holiday.

    Maybe I scare them, that I don't conform to their conformity.Life to be savored? Sorry, no. Fear? Not really, I don't like living here.
    Should somone put a bullet in the back of my head, my only regret would be no chance to thank them. Beat me within an inch of my life? Sorry, the world has already done that, too. Entice me to a certain toothpaste or shampoo or car? Doesn't translate for me.

    And the fear? Not there. I could gladly tell the pope to "Fuck off", or a policeman, or any other authority figure I'm expected to respect. My therapist, my psych doc? Only to the extent that they have the power to have me confined.

    My mind? Gone, short term and long term, I used to have excellent spelling and grammar. Now spellcheck has to save me. I used to be able to balance pluses and minuses in my head, balance the checkbook - now I either use Windows calculator, or drive up to the ATM. Math is beyond me now.
    My record collection, my library - no longer any joy.


    And I'm sure there's plenty more, but enough for now.
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hello 1Lefty - I hear your pain, I really do honey. I know a tinsy-weeny bit of these same feelings. Well, more, if I continue to go down that route. We "had to" bring our family to New Zealand from mid-Africa 25 years ago, leaving behind the only life our children had known and what we had grown to love. Not at the point of a gun, however, and it was not my original homeland, so those 2 variants did help the transition I admit. But it is the "fitting-in" that was so difficult.

    I don't really know what to write as there are no "platitudes" I know of that could dispel what you have described. I just offer the hand of friendship, and an ear to listen. And a plea to keep safe and to tell yourself that you are a survivor. You have survived so far, and that there are positive discoveries still to be made that take you in a different direction with a new perspective :)
     
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hello urPrecious, I've read and respected several of your posts.

    I realize your good intentions, just like the many inside the great big balloon (yours), that contains the smaller, more confined balloon (mine). I hope you won't get the grief that is entry to my balloon, looking back at my wife and what the world was like while she was alive. And there is never the possibility to that homeland. While the world change was internal, it has stiil affected my views of my surroundings, which might as well be physical - I am still excluded from the turkey, dressing, shopping for jewelry for my wife, the joy of sharing family. In that respect, I may as well be restricted by a chain fence or unbreakable bubble. The greeting card aisle - "Cards for Him" Cards for Her "Cards for Husband" "Cards for Wife"

    I have to avoid that one.

    The loss through death is much different than a geographic change. In your case, you may one day receive a call or letter from one of the children left behind

    I realize that I have no monopoly on grief, and we all grieve differently. This is mine. One may look at it as a poorly worded metaphor , or as an exact example of my distinction between those who would understand it, and those who would not.

    And if you belong in that outer world, count yourself blessed, please honor and revere your wife, and give her an extra hug for mine.





    But I still have contempt, disdain and resentment for being here
     
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Oh I am sorry that you have lost your wife Lefty........ I do know how life events can change how we see everything, and overwhelming things can be too much to bear. I do understand that. I am in my own bubble of grief that no one else could understand, but I do know that Someone does understand and that is what gives me hope.

    People might think that what I am hanging onto is a fantasy that does not really exist......... that is their choice to believe that.

    I don't belong in what you describe as "that outer world" - I feel an alien to it in so many respects.

    But I've come to accept that. And acceptance of what I cannot change has brought with it a measure of peace and renewed hope that the Someone watches over us all, despite the horrid things that happen. We do not understand why the bad seems to have the upper hand so often, but I do know that it very definitely need not be the end of the story....... and that good still can and does happen and that every morning we can start again to start again :)
     
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I think you and I could have a friendly, interesting conversation sometime (via PM), not tonight. But maybe you'd be kind enough to offer some Scripture in which our deities (?) forbid suicide. I know the Quran does, but I'm not well educated in the old or new testaments. Even somewhere in the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism ?




    But the rest of the world can still fuck off.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 10, 2012
  6. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel marginalized, and I wish you new friends and new hopes. Sometimes I feel like a refugee in my own country only because I do not agree with a lot of the politics. I am nowhere near the hardships of losing loved ones and leaving my homeland. There is a lot to be said for finding peace within. To help cope I am starting a Nature Journal, where I'm going to sketch simple observations, to learn and grow on stillness. Where did you move from? I'd like to learn more about your beliefs and practice. I love learning.
     
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know that feeling of estrangement and abandonment from differing circumstances...I never had a loving family nor parents who wanted me...I was treated like their domestic animal, their slave, so I too resented and was deeply saddened by the way families were portrayed...I never had a homeland because I never had a place where I felt cared for or loved (except by my maternal grandmother who I could stay with when my parents wanted to get rid of me). So many of us come to similar places from differing histories...I wish you a way to build your own home...with much understanding
     
  8. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Sadeyes - Thank you. I'm sorry, and I hope you can have a place where where you are truly loved and appreciated, as you desrve.

    Wallflower - I'm sorry, I had a fairly well thought out response for you, but apparently the system timed me out and vanished it, I don't know how to access the auto-save, and don't have the energy right now to try to redo it. I didn't move from anyplace, it was a bad metaphor of how my world has changed.

    If you want a glimpse of what my world used to be, versus what now seems like a pitiless wasteland, there is a thread "Missing my wife" in the Loved and Lost section. She truly was a remarkable (unlimited love and devotion) woman and it was my privilege to have been her husband.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2012
  9. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Sadeyes - Thank you. I'm sorry, and I hope you can have a place where where you are truly loved and appreciated, as you desrve.

    Wallflower - I'm sorry, I had a fairly well thought out response for you, but apparently the system timed me out and vanished it, I don't know how to access the auto-save, and don't have the energy right now to try to redo it. I didn't move from anyplace, it was a bad metaphor of how my world has changed.

    As far as my beliefs, I was raised Baptist, now back-slidden. I prefer dis-organized religion to organized religion. I believe almost all of the religions and faiths (not as many as I would like) that I have been exposed to. I believe my Creator is probably the same one that created Buddha, and most (all?) of the holy figures. I think he didn't choose just Israel or Palestine to receive divine teachings. I think each area got a holy ambassador - and if you were to send an ambassador, wouldn't you choose one that could communicate with, and honor the local/regional customs and fit in?
    The message was really to place spirituality above lust for material wealth, to treat each other fairly, if your neighbor is hungry, feed him. So far, most of those faiths I've seen impress the same values, which I don't believe is coincidence. The problem came when humans got involved and decided it was necessary for THEM to derive and teach the true meaning (often to their own advantage). Hmmmmm. And through the years, the messages have been more interpreted and editorialized, often creating intolerant cults. You have the Crusades, in which the true believers were to convert (or preferably kill) the infidels, when, if you distill it all down, really weren't that far apart. Then the pagans, too.

    If you want a glimpse of what my world used to be, versus what now seems like a pitiless wasteland, there is a thread "Missing my wife" in the Loved and Lost section. She truly was a remarkable (unlimited love and devotion) woman and it was my privilege to have been her husband