Please use caution when reading this. If you start to become triggered please stop reading. This is a description of a dream I have had at least a dozen times since I started to talk about the sexual abuse I went through as a child. It is kind of long and at times it may seem sort of all over the place. Please bare with me and I totally understand if no one wants to read this because of it being as long as I think it will be. Also if anyone wants to try and decode the subconscious meaning of this dream feel free too. This dream always starts out at the same point. I am 13 years old again and it is Christmas day 1988. Although I am living the dream as my younger self, I am the 36 year old I am now mentally. Basically me as I am now inside the child I use to be while living with my parents and being sexually abused. When this dream starts out I know that it is the first day my dad ever molested me. The bad thing is although I am me as I am now trapped within my younger self, I have no ability to change things. It's like I am a fully aware and conscious passenger in my younger self. I can feel all the emotions, fears, and physical pain my younger self is going through but I have no control over what is happening. I am sitting on my bed and my dad walks in and begins to molest me. The 13 year old me is trembling, confused, and scared, but the me as I am now is screaming at my father, telling him how sick he is and how ashamed he should be. Unfortunately no matter how loud I scream the words refuse to come out of my mouth. I give up trying to scream and decide to start hitting him, but I'm not in control of my hands or my body. The younger me is in control and she's just sitting there letting all of this happen to me all over again. I get so angry with my younger self. I began to scream at my younger self and tell her you have the power to end this. You have the power to bring all of this pain to an end. Why aren't you screaming, fighting, and running to the telephone to report him to the police. As I finish yelling at myself I realize the younger me is crying and the fear and shame she is feeling is so, so strong that she and I both become paralyzed. I begin to feel bad for yelling at her which is strange because I wasn't yelling at another person, I was yelling at myself. I then try desperately to console her and tell her none about this is her fault. I try to wrap my arms around myself to give the younger me a hug but the arms of the 13 year old version of me will not move. I suddenly become aware that there's nothing I can do to consol my younger self and there's no way I can hug her and tell her that things won't always be like this. I begin to think to myself that even if I were able to tell myself that it would be okay, I would be lying to myself because I know it will get much, much worse before it gets better. The dream then changes and suddenly I am lying naked on the living room floor. I feel like everything is in a daze. I then realize why I feel so dazed. My younger me, the 13 year old body I am in is intoxicated. The adult consciousness is awake but the 13 year old consciousness and body is passed out. I hear no thoughts from her, it's almost like she is dead. I know she is alive because I can feel her breaths filling my lungs with air. I feel things happening to her (to me). I hear my dad's voice and I feel him violating us. Again I try to yell at him and tell him how wrong he is, but no sound comes out. My body lies there motionless, and completely helpless. I am trapped, she is trapped, we are trapped in an impossible situation. The difference is I know what is going on, I can feel what is going on, but the younger me has no idea of how terribly she is being violated. I keep whispering so calmly to myself, begging myself to remain passed out so that I don't know what is happening. I am telling the younger me that I will bare this pain, shame, and horror for you so that you don't have to have the memories of this violation. As I use every grain of strength I have to protect my younger self from what is happening to her I start to grow weak and I can feel my younger self start to wake up. I know she is waking up because I am feeling the pain my dad is inflicting to the younger me's body. As the sensation of the pain increases I can feel her heart rate increase and suddenly her eyes open and I see the carpet on the floor for only a split second before the dream again changes. This time I am 15 years old and lying face down in the bathtub. My arms are tied behind my back along with my ankles. The 15 year old me is fully awake and just as I am aware that she is there, she is also aware on some level that I am there. She's terrified, I can hear her thoughts, she thinks she is going to die. I keep telling her that she will survive, that it will eventually get better. She asks me how can it ever get better. I have so much I want to tell the 15 year old me, so much encouragement I want to give her but I have an overwhelming sense that time is running out. A feeling that my visit with her will be very short and that I need to be very selective in what I tell her because I don't have much time to talk. At this moment dad walks into the bathroom and turns the hot water on. His hand feels the temperature of the water and as soon as it becomes hot he puts the drain plug in place. I begin to tell my 15 year old self to listen to me very closely. I have to yell to get her attention because she is crying so loud. She calms down enough to hear me and I tell her, "this isn't the end, you are not going to die here. He will lift you out of the water right at the last second". I expected her to ask me how I knew this, but she didn't she simply said, "okay, I trust you". We felt the water become hot and it felt like it was melting our skin. The 15 year old me began to breath so hard and tears were streaming out of our eyes. I whispered to her, "I know how much this is going to hurt and I am so sorry, but you will make it". I further began to tell her, "I know it will be difficult but you have to do something. You have to take this pain, and keep your cries inside. Your cries will only fuel him and allow him to enjoy this moment. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much you need to scream, please don't let him know that he is breaking you". She didn't reply back to me, but I felt a sense of calm come over her (us). I saw flashes of images invade my mind. Images of the back yard, the pond with toads ribbiting, and birds splashing in the bird bath. I realized the younger me was disassociating herself from the situation. I also began to think of peaceful images in hopes that my peaceful thoughts would somehow help comfort her. I tried so hard to separate the pain from the rising hot water from my mind (from our mind), but as the water became deeper I was unable to ignore the pain. Soon the peaceful images and thoughts I was trying to comfort the younger me with began to be replaced by images of pain that the younger me hasn't yet experienced. I knew she was also seeing these images. I could feel the questions begin to form in her mind, she wondered what these images were. I tried my best to tell her not to think about the future, and then I realized I had just told her that these images are of things that are going to happen to her in the future. A fear enveloped her and she began to scream out in utter terror. She wasn't only feeling the pain from the hot water, she was also feeling the pain from things that will happen to her in the future. I again tried to comfort her but she started to shut me out. I could feel her pushing my consciousness out of her as if I were an unwanted invader. I could also feel her blaming me for letting her know what she had to look forward to. The water at this point had risen and covered her (our) mouth and nose. She coughed, chocking on the scalding hot water. At that moment I felt my dad reach down and pull me out of the bathtub, but he only pulled me the 36 year old me out and left the 15 year old in the water. He held me by my throat and began to chock me. He looked at the younger me then at the older me and said to me, "you have no right to be here. How dare you try and interfere with the lesson I am trying to teach her, how dare you try and change things. You don't belong here". He then threw me against the wall and began to kick me while I was on the floor. His kicks felt so real, it felt like my ribs were being crushed. I could feel myself begin to fade away as his kicks seemed like they were going through me. It was like my body was becoming transparent and something less then solid in form. He also noticed that I was fading away and leaned down to pick me up but his hands couldn't grab onto me. Each time he tried they moved through me like I was a ghost. He tried several times but with each attempt I was fading further and further away. A look of fear came over his face as he turned towards the younger me who was still in the bathtub drowning. She wasn't moving, her body was limp. He reached in and ripped her out of the water. Her lips were so blue, she looked like death. Her eyelids were open and her eyes had a blankness to them. He began to shake her violently and lay her on the floor next to me. I began to float away. Higher and higher I floated as I saw him begin to do chest compressions and try to breath life back into her. I kept expecting myself to float into the ceiling, but instead of impacting the ceiling I began to move through the ceiling. I reached and clawed for anything to slow my accent, but my hands moved through what ever I reached for. I felt like I was dieing, and I was going to disappear forever. It wasn't suppose to happen this way. I was suppose to comfort the younger me, not cause him to kill us. Suddenly I felt myself being forced to take a deep breath, a deep gasping of air. I began to fall towards my younger self until I collided into her and our eyes opened seeing my dads frantic face become relieved as he saw us take a breath. It was at this moment I could hear the younger me's thoughts and she demanded that I leave before I get us killed. A sense of unwantedness washed over me and I felt like I failed. I felt like I had become useless. I then promised my younger self that wouldn't bother her anymore, but she didn't make a reply of any sort. She simply remained silent and as if I wasn't even there. Most of the time when I am having this dream this is the moment I awake. I awake feeling dead and empty inside. Sometimes I don't wakeup at this point and when I don't actually wakeup, I wakeup in my dream. I basically at this point am having a dream within a dream. When I wakeup within my dream I start to form a plan (this is where it starts to get really weird). I began to read any and all information available on time travel. I spend years conducting research and development on my own time machine. I drain all the available money I have in my bank accounts and borrow as much money as the banks will loan me. After a few decades I was able to create a time machine, but from every calculation I made I knew that It would only work once and that where ever I go it will be a one way trip. I begin to think about where I should go back to and what time I should go back to. My heart kept telling me to go back to the beginning so that I could tell myself what was going to happen so that I could prevent it all from ever happening; but I realized that the younger me wouldn't believe me. She would think I was crazy, because that version of me never could have imagined that her dad would ever hurt her in that way. I then thought of going back to a moment just after it all started so that I could keep us from ever knowing the worst part of my dad; but again I realized the younger me still wouldn't believe me. I knew that I always believed back then that it would eventually end on its own. I became frustrated and angry not knowing how I was going to change the past so that my present would be one of peace. I dropped to my knees and began to ask God, "what do I do? Where and when do I need to go back and change things so that it doesn't happen"? I begged and cried out for his answers, but he was silent. Then from the depth of my anger I heard a screeching voice tell me, "go back to a time before it ever happened and kill him. Don't give him the opportunity to violate you, end it before he has a chance to hurt you". It seemed like the right answer. As I began to adjust the time and coordinates settings on my time machine I heard a whisper telling me that vengeance isn't the answer. I knew that voice was Gods voice, but I ignored him. He asked me, "why are you ignoring me"? I replied, "how dare you ask me that. Where were you when I was begging you save me when he was torturing me? Where were you when I pleaded with you to stop him from raping me? Where were you when he was trying to kill me"? He didn't answer my questions, he simply said, "what's in the past is the past". I finished adjusting the settings on the time machine and then climbed on board. I was thinking about what God said to me and hesitated, but the other voice, the screeching voice from the dark angry depths of my soul told me I was doing the right thing, and that this is the only way. I started the time machine and I saw the years fade in reverse. Suddenly it was the summer of 1988, six months before he had ever touched me in a bad way. I climbed off the machine and quickly hid it from sight. It was late at night and the younger me and my mom were asleep in their beds. Dad was asleep in his recliner. I snuck into the kitchen and grabbed a knife out of the drawer and as quietly as I could walked back into the living room. He was no longer in his recliner. I quickly looked around searching frantically for him so that I could kill him. In an instant I was grabbed from behind. I tried to swing the knife but he grabbed my wrist and twisted it so hard the knife feel to the floor. That's when he whispered in my ear, "I knew you would come here, now I can have my way with both of you". He then spun me around and punched me in the face as hard as he could and knocked me out. I awoke in a dungeon chained to the wall surrounded by a room full of torture devices. He was also there. He said, "these are all the things I wanted to use on you when you were a girl but you left me before I had the chance to". I thought to myself I wish you would have killed me when I was a child. It was as if he could read my mind. He then said to me, "If I would have killed you when you was a child, you would never have grown up to return to me and give me the chance to finish torturing you". It's at this moment in the dream he begins to torture me more violently then he ever came close to in real life. His physical form changed from human to beast and his proverbial claws and teeth begin to shred me to bits. I once again began to beg God to save me, and I hear him whisper, "I did save you. I was with you holding you close when he buried you alive in the ground. I was comforting you when he was touching you, and I was giving you the strength to survive when he was raping you. I was reminding you how precious you were to me, and I was trying to warn you that you can't change the past. Still you made the wrong choice, you decided on vengeance instead of love, you gave into the devils will instead of mine". I told God how sorry I was, but he said nothing, he was no longer there to help me. For the first time I truly felt alone. I saw the devil who was once my dad smile triumphantly at me as he told me, "it's just the two of us now. No one will save you, everything of you is now mine to do as I wish". This is when I wakeup screaming, shaking, and utterly terrified. I want this dream to stop. I am scared to fall asleep and relive this over and over. This is why I can't sleep.