A residual haunting of residual past emotions.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KK99, Nov 27, 2012.

  1. KK99

    KK99 Active Member

    If this belongs somewhere else, you can move it, of course. :3

    This is gonna be long, so...read if you'd like to be bored. Or if you're bored, message me. :3

    What I am going to do is kind of...write this out, because I feel the need to share it with people (not my friends/family, though. They worry enough about me.) :(

    ___________


    I keep telling myself that I've already forgave the people who have bullied me, but there's a piece of me who refuses to let go...

    I've been bullied in almost all my years of schooling.
    I wasn't even born in this damned place...I moved here from Chi-Town when one parent did a bit too much of everything & blew a gasket - we had to move away.
    ...
    Elementary school...I don't remember a whole lot of it. At first, I was the 'new girl,' but God only knows what they called me after I wasn't so new anymore. I was the little, ugly girl with short blonde hair & glasses. I was gangly and awful-looking; I also had an awful wardrobe. (I wasn't able to choose out my own outfits until I was in middle school - ....P.S: I was dressed by my grandma.) I was also the stupid kid who couldn't do math, or at least tell time from an analog clock. I was also the big cry-baby bitch, too.
    ...
    I do remember some of first grade...
    My teacher was a bitch, I'll tell you that much. We had these different colored cards we had to flip if we were bad, assigned to us by number. What's funny was, I always had number 7 through my school years, which proved itself, because I was lucky to get out of those years alive.
    Anyways, if you were bad, you had to flip the card to the back to show another color. It was green - for good/no trouble, then it was blue, yellow, orange/warning cards, then red, when that card is flipped, you have to go to the office.
    So, when one of my classmates got in trouble - the ones that despised me, they would flip the cards in MY number slot, and the teacher didn't even give a shit! She wasn't stupid - she knew exactly what was going on.
    So, one day I get to the red card (which was NOT by my doing at all,) and I get sent to the office. I remember struggling for an anwser while trying not to cry as I was being scolded for something I didn't do, and the worst part was, I had to call my grandma and tell her something that I didn't even fucking do! WHICH WAS NOTHING! Honestly, I don't even remember how that issue was resolved...
    ...
    I did have one friend in 2nd grade. Let's call her 'Cey.'
    I helped her a lot, and I befriended her because nobody else would; Cey was born with a physical defect (which didn't affect her in any other negative way - mentally, etc,) and everyone steered clear of her because of it. I felt terribly sorry for her - I didn't see what everybody else saw - I saw Cey as another person, another human being.
    I helped stick up for her a lot. We were almost inseperable - until 3rd grade came around.
    This other girl, named 'Bee,' a girl that bullied the shit out of me, one day got her hair chopped off and had to get glasses! (Would'ja look at that!)
    So, after the popular crowd ditched her, guess who she became freinds with...? Me.
    And guess who fought over my loyalties? Cey and Bee. Constantly pulling me in different directions, telling me 'not to hang out with her, because of blahblahblah.'
    Well, Bee found an opening. She was pretty sneaky about it, and me being so naiive at the time, I didn't even know, or remember, what the Hell was going on. I guess I was just glad I had friends...
    After all of that, Cey didn't talk to me that much. She moved to a different set of people, and Bee & I became best friends...
    What I didn't realize, though, is that I was being used as a pedestal the whole time. I was just something to stand next to when you weren't feeling your prettiest that day. Also, I was like a dog on a choke chain - I was severely loyal to my friend, and did everything Bee wanted me to. My grandma would tell me that she wasn't a good person, but I refused to listen - she was my only friend.
    Even though we had our fun times & good memories, they don't even blot out a quarter of the crap she did....God, I wish my grandma would've just grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me away from her when she could...
    ....
    Middle school begins... 5th grade, 6th grade.... I'm still friends with Bee, and I acquire some acquaintances.
    Yay...?
    Fuck no.
    There were two girls in particular - God, if I was a sociopath, they would've been all over the walls & floors for what they did to me.
    One was Gi. I met her in 6th grade. She was a particularly nice girl. She didn't fit in well like the rest for awhile, but she got to later...which consisted of her gathering as much personal information from me as possible, & telling it to all the assholes that I was, well, afraid of.
    Note - I had a strange obsession with wolves back in the day.
    So, one day in class, Gi decided to tell a bitch named La that I had this deep obsession with wolves. What does she do? Calls me out on it, then soon has the whole class howling, and mimicking me. It was one of the most terrible moments in my life; I was so upset, I didn't even bother to walk out of the classroom. I just buried my head into my arms & cried, hoping no one would notice. The english teacher didn't do shit about it - just decided to continue teaching the class...
    So, this was the time I began to self injure.
    One day, I just got fed up with shit enough to get angry about it, & ended up scratching up my arm with the aluminum piece at the end of a pencil... which I did during class when I was feeling particulary frustrated.
    I continued this habit until I was caught by my grandma - I got yelled at & bitched at from all sides that day, and the days to follow. Being yelled at was one of my triggers, and didn't get any point across for me...which I never understood why people used that method in the first place. To me, it was always just as painful as being punched....
    ...
    At 7th grade, by the grace of God, I was able to gain a good trio of friends, and didn't hang out with Bee for while. It was the happiest year of my school life, I guess. I got to dress how I wanted - my old, crappy wardrobe was FINALLY gone!
    ...
    Now, 8th grade. I still had my group of friends. We were all so close, we'd get sick of eachother, part our ways/blow off steam, then be right up eachother's asses again. :)
    But, one of the shittiest things happened in that grade.
    The lady that did this to me had recently died, actually. I think I forgive her, really. I don't see a point of holding on to something when the person isn't even alive anymore...
    Anyways, I was in the school library - we had to do these reading test things, which I sucked at. I was trying to figure out how to log in to the computer, and my blind self didn't see the instructions that were taped out-of-sight, on the wall above the computer.
    So, I ask this particular lady for help. She comes over, grabs me by my hair, and steers my head up at the sign, and makes me read it aloud, with the whole class present.
    It wasn't my fault that I couldn't do things right, or good enough. It wasn't my fault that I had people trying to beat and scream the anwsers out of me at home, either. This was almost my breaking point.
    ....

    Dear Lord, High School.
    I thought it was going to be better than the last 8 years of shit, but I was wrong.
    Freshman year - I was friends with Bee again, because the friends I made in 7th grade were a year behind me, and I had no one else. Well, someone else crawled in between me & Bee half way throuh the year. Let's call this one Sal.
    Once again, I was fought over again, like two starved dogs over a scrap of meat. Sal won this time. Bee and Sal were, and are still, eachothers enemies.
    God, I wish I saw what would happen ahead of time. She ended up screwing me over big time - and manipulted me, so fucking sneakily, I didn' even get the hint that anything was wrong - also, I was still naiive. That played a big roll.
    She used me 'till I had nothing else to give; she stuck around for a little longer, then left as soon as I even suggested talking to Bee again.
    In all honesty, Bee isn't as much as a bitch I make her out to be. It was a you're my best friend, but I hate you, one sided feeling, I guess.

    Now skipping over Sophmore year - I loved someone who turned out to be an arrogant, contradictive prick who cheated on me, which he thought as payback for me wanting to smoke cigarettes, drink a wine cooler once, & try weed...

    Then at my junior year, I dropped out. I was so tired of all that shit, I couldn't take another week of it.

    So, one year later, I'm 18 now; in that time I went to the psych ward twice for suicidal thoughts, because I am trapped in this fucking house & no one knows what the word 'emotional support' means. I don't know what to do with myself half of the fucking time, and this town has NOTHING in it. I have no real friends, and no where to go, and so far it's just me, myself, and I - with my Paranormal studies, reading Harry Potter, daydreaming, wondering how I'm not dead yet, & becoming exceedingly well at drawing and writing, and wasting my life away while listening to 80's industrial music on loop.

    Negative sob-story over. :biggrin-new:
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well hun i hope it helped writing it all out You are 18 now hun soon you will be able to move out and start a life of your own in a place of your own
    School years can be so dam hard but hun that is all over now hopefully you can find employment or get upgrading in your school and go to college and meet new people
    Hugs to you
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you had so many bad experiences. Take heart that we have read your story, and we believe in you. You need to fully believe in yourself now, too. You are smart and caring...two very important qualities. Keep those in mind and build yourself up. You deserve to do that. Keep posting and get all the hard stuff out, and keep building on your good traits. The past doesn't have to be a heavy rock you must carry around. Put it down and walk toward better times when you're ready. :smile:
     
  4. KK99

    KK99 Active Member

    Thank you so much for reading. :D I'll do my best!