A rough trip

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by stormfreeman, Jul 30, 2014.

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  1. stormfreeman

    stormfreeman New Member

    Hi, my name is Storm, and for as much as I get asked that, YES, my name given to me at birth was Storm. One way or another, lately I've been feeling a bittersweet mix of depression coupled with suicidal thoughts. This all started around 11 months ago, back when I was still living with my single mother in Oregon. While in Oregon I can't particularly complain about anything, I wasn't bullied, I had poor study and sleeping habits which came back to haunt me, but nothing that would drive me to the thought of taking my own life. Even when not going to school for months on end, I could still look fondly upon my time in Oregon. Anyhow, around 11 months ago my mother told me two very startling things within days of eachother. One being that she had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and a rare form of it no less, and lastly that we would be moving. Bare in mind these obviously were on different scales but the news of moving nonetheless shook, and confused me. I had spent my last 9 years there growing up, making friends, enemies, loved ones, the lot of it, I lived my life there, and for her to so suddenly decide to uproot, no less while in the process of having cancer just seemed.. Needlessly cruel. Not for her to decide, but it almost seemed like the Universe was punching me in my face, then kicking me while I was down. I however, like most people faced with a handful of problems I couldn't change, accepted the situation as it was and decided to look optimistically to helping my mother through her cancer and moving to Mexico (the area she had decided upon due to my grandparents being residents). She mentions to me how I should probably visit my father before I go, only for a week, considering afterwards I wouldn't really have many opportunities to visit frequently, something I was.. Okay with. Being raised by a single parent doesn't necessarily spawn spite, or contempt for the missing link (that is my father), although I was never particularly fond of him, and seeing as how he raised my sister, it was almost like we were both just given our one parent, and that was that. I agree humbly, and go to visit. One day into getting here, in California with my dad, she breaks the news that I might be here a bit longer than anticipated. By the second day it was a few months. By the end of the week I call her in tears asking question after question only for it to be concluded with me asking "Could I be here for a whole year?", and her saying "I don't know.". That was 11 months ago. Between now and then has been a steady process of me exhausting EVERY, and I mean EVERY option, finding ANY way for me to get back with my mother, or back home where I had invested so much of my life to build relationships. Alas, my efforts reaped no reward, every option, one after the other, every little conceivable thought was shot down, or proved achievable. Of course being in a new environment, they decided I'd need to go into schooling (whoopee, already a week in and we're talking about a new school), seeing as how this wasn't something I could evade, we had decided upon an Independent Study program, basically I do 2 weeks of homework over my computer and textbooks, then meet with my Certified Teacher at a predisposed location to turn it in, and get new work. For my lifestyle, that is a basement dwelling teen who loves his video games and anime, it seemed all but most ideal, but still I couldn't draw any joy from the realization that I'd be schooled here. Don't think I exaggerate when I say, in the past 11 months, I've not spoken 1 other person my age face to face, nor made a friend, nor went over to said friends house. I've not gone into any public schooling, and part of me refuses to, I don't want new friends, I don't want new teachers, I don't want new experiences here, I want what felt like was stolen from me considering I was lied to to get here. All the meanwhile let's remember that in the back of my head i'm dying at the thought of my mother having to go through cancer without even being able to see her. Over the months she'd ignore me, try to win me over, the lot of it, but not once try to mend her actions and either take me back, or move back to Oregon. She currently lives in Washington, with her new husband, of whom she got hitched to 3 months after I moved here. Here's my dilemma. I hate it here, I love it somewhere else, and I can't get to that place no matter what effort I put forth. My days consist of me sleeping through the sunlight, not taking care of my physical appearance, nor health, going days without a shower because who cares what I look or smell like when I'm around nobody. I wish I could be granted some mystical painless remedy to erase my problems. I've taken up the habit of self mutilation, not that I have a particular feeling that comes with it, more so a cry for help, maybe even just a sign that I'm serious. I've told my father, and his girlfriend (Nancy) both that I feel this way. At once point months ago they introduced the idea of Therapy, after calling 3 Therapists and getting no return call, they forgot the idea all together. I'm finding little purpose to keep pushing when everybody is so quick to throw me back. I just want this to end, I feel I'd rather succumb to these selfish feelings of taking my own life rather than living the one these people have so haphazardly thrown together for me. I don't feel like i'm living here, I feel like a wilted flower that refuses to grow in a new setting it's been placed, and I feel i'll stay that way so long as nobody harnesses their empathy to help me. I just feel.. Hopeless.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry youy are in a place that you do not like but I am unsure of this last sentence. You make a point through the whole thing that you are the one that refuses to go to school or meet people - or even come out of basement and bathe- these certainly seem like all your decisions so it would seem you already have all the control in the situation and the ability to make huge changes to it. I am unsure what you think they should do since as presumably a teenager physically forcing you to do some of these things would not only be impossible but have no value?

    You can remain angry at the world, your father, your mother, or whoever you like for as long as you like but until you decide to start doing something to make your existence more bearable it will not change in way I can fathom. You are not going to suddenly be back somewhere else and cannot roll back the clock. It also sounds like you were like this for some time before as well since you simply decided to not go to school before when you should have been. So it is apparently a pattern that if you do not want to do something you simply do not do it. To be honest, while it would be nice if that was the way life worked, it does not and meeting life part way is the only way to manage it sometimes.

    Instead of locking yourself away and thinking only of old house and friends it is time to get out of house and see what there is around there that may interest you. You can make your own choices when you are an adult, but since that also includes having to have food and housing, you will still need to have school and skills and ability to work to even move away from there and back to your childhood area when you are an adult. I am sorry it has been so difficult for you but it will stay difficult until you change some of your actions as well as be upset by the actions others took.
     
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