They say life is what you make out of it. Well what if you don't have the motivation nor skills to make anything of it? What if you fear rejection & doing more wrong than what you've already done? I try to pick a reason to live & an explanation to why I want to die. I try to scapegoat behind what I'm not even sure of. I try to get those in person to listen so I don't have to depend on people I'll never meet to keep me up. Yet whenever they do want to finally listen I shove them away. Most of the time I don't know what the say or I end up saying the wrong thing. So many people don't give me a chance. They're so many chances I could take that I don't. I don't know what the hell I want since it seems like everyday my wants change. I'm never satisfied with life & don't expect to ever be. However I still want to think that I'm a kid & that I'll always get my way. I want people to stop pointing out my flaws since my flaws are what make up who I am. I want people to stop judging my attitude when they're the main influence on it. Or am I just using people as a scapegoat for my own problems? I judge a lot of people. I'll love someone one minute and hate them the next. I'm constantly changing personalities & interests. Who the fuck am I? Do I even want to know? For now I'm just considering myself a failure waiting to build the courage to have that one last suicide attempt that'll end all the questions I've asked here. I'm not a likable person. I'm not sure whether I'm hiding who I am or if this is who I am. I'm not sure of anything. It doesn't even seem worth it anymore. I'm not representing nothing. I'm not living for much. I'd love to die before I hit my 20's so I'd be forever a lost young soul. So many people hate me. So many people are annoyed by me. Nobody has ever really liked me. I don't blame them. Oh god I want it to end so bad. I crave the touch of the Grim Reaper's bony hands touching my warm flesh melting it away as we fly off into the night. I do believe Death itself is my soul mate. My destination. This life just isn't what I was born to be in. I have no interest in being a part of such a cruel society that doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm tired of fighting. Nothing is worth fighting for anymore. Not even the people I love. They'll all move on & forget about me eventually. I'm tired of apologizing for my stupidity and pretending that whatever advice someone gives me makes me better. I appreciate it but there is just no hope for me.