A Sad Lost Soul {Long Post}

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Illusion, Sep 4, 2011.

  1. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    They say life is what you make out of it.
    Well what if you don't have the motivation nor skills to make anything of it?
    What if you fear rejection & doing more wrong than what you've already done?
    I try to pick a reason to live & an explanation to why I want to die.
    I try to scapegoat behind what I'm not even sure of.
    I try to get those in person to listen so I don't have to depend on people I'll never meet to keep me up.
    Yet whenever they do want to finally listen I shove them away.
    Most of the time I don't know what the say or I end up saying the wrong thing.
    So many people don't give me a chance.
    They're so many chances I could take that I don't.
    I don't know what the hell I want since it seems like everyday my wants change.
    I'm never satisfied with life & don't expect to ever be.
    However I still want to think that I'm a kid & that I'll always get my way.
    I want people to stop pointing out my flaws since my flaws are what make up who I am.
    I want people to stop judging my attitude when they're the main influence on it.
    Or am I just using people as a scapegoat for my own problems?
    I judge a lot of people. I'll love someone one minute and hate them the next.
    I'm constantly changing personalities & interests.
    Who the fuck am I?
    Do I even want to know?
    For now I'm just considering myself a failure waiting to build the courage to have that one last suicide attempt that'll end all the questions I've asked here.
    I'm not a likable person. I'm not sure whether I'm hiding who I am or if this is who I am.
    I'm not sure of anything. It doesn't even seem worth it anymore.
    I'm not representing nothing. I'm not living for much. I'd love to die before I hit my 20's so I'd be forever a lost young soul.
    So many people hate me. So many people are annoyed by me. Nobody has ever really liked me.
    I don't blame them. Oh god I want it to end so bad. I crave the touch of the Grim Reaper's bony hands touching my warm flesh melting it away as we fly off into the night.
    I do believe Death itself is my soul mate. My destination. This life just isn't what I was born to be in.
    I have no interest in being a part of such a cruel society that doesn't seem to be getting any better.
    I'm tired of fighting. Nothing is worth fighting for anymore. Not even the people I love. They'll all move on & forget about me eventually.
    I'm tired of apologizing for my stupidity and pretending that whatever advice someone gives me makes me better.
    I appreciate it but there is just no hope for me.
  2. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Not too sure what to say but just letting you know that I read this and am here if you want to talk :hug:
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I feel much the same. Only recently I've thought that I could actually be slightly autistic. It would explain quite a lot. But one of the last things I need is to be labeled as 'retarded' -___-.

    Ever heard of Weltschmerz? I think a lot of people with recurring or possible chronic depression feel this way. I don't really know how to fix it to be honest....everything is just really crap. Most of my life is lived for fairly pathetic things. Mainly addictions. Also things like watching movies....seems lame but I guess that's what life is for me. I don't see what everyone is so happy about. Life is fuckin crap. <Edit Moderator total eclipse inappropriate not helping the poster at al>l

    sorry, i think i'll stop there because now im rambling horseshit that's probly more triggering than actually helping :|

    ps. please don't kill urself because that means i would be a COMPLETE loner. who the hell am i ment to talk to over the internet?? D:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2011
  4. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    @TheOncomingStorm: You don't have to say anything.. I'm just happy you read all of that. ♥

    @LongRoad95: Most of your post got edited out. Nothing hardly triggers me nowadays so no worries. I'm helpless. Message more on Facebook if you wanna. But yeah.. I've never heard of that by the way. & awwww @ your PS note. I shall message you on FB more bout that as well. :p
  5. musicalpsycho

    musicalpsycho Active Member

    I read every line of that and at the end of each thought "me too". I know this is that same cliche that everyone says in response to that but no one's completely helpless and you're not alone (especially since at least two people have already confirmed that). Are you sure there's absolutely nothing left to live for?
  6. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    :3 Its nice to know that someone thought the same about every line pretty much. Yet sorry that you feel the same way as well. Yes I'm pretty sure there isn't anything to live for at this point. I don't do much nor do I know to many people. I wouldn't really be leaving much behind.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I read your post, and I'm around if you feel like talking.
  8. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Okay. Thanks. :)