a safe place in hell is is worse than hell

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Axiom, Dec 10, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Been here before (6x)

    Been here before couldn't say I liked it
    Then do I start writing all this down
    Just let me plug you into my world
    Can't you help me be uncrazy

    Name this for me, heat the cold air
    Take the chill off of my life
    And if I could I'd turn my eyes
    To look inside to see what's coming

    Pre:
    It comes alive (3x)
    And I die a little more
    It comes alive (3x)
    Each moment here I die a little more
    Ooh, i die i die i die a little more..

    Chorus 1:
    then the unnamed feeling
    It comes alive
    then the unnamed feeling
    Takes me away

    (Been here before) (6x)

    I'm frantic in your soothing arms
    I cannot sleep in this down filled world
    Found safety in this loneliness
    But I cannot stand it anymore

    Cross my heart hope not to die
    Swallow evil, ride the sky
    Lose myself in a crowded room
    You fool, you fool, it'll be here soon

    Pre:
    It comes alive (3x)
    And I die a little more
    It comes alive (3x)
    Each moment here I die a little more
    Ooh, i die i die i die a little more..

    Chorus 2:
    then the unnamed feeling
    It comes alive
    then the unnamed feeling
    Treats me this way
    And I wait for this train
    Toes over the line
    Then the unnamed feeling
    It takes me away, it takes me..

    then the unnamed feeling
    It comes alive
    then the unnamed feeling
    Takes me away
    Yeah, it takes me away

    Bridge:
    Get the fuck out of here
    I just wanna get the fuck away from me
    I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
    I hate it all, why why why me?

    I cannot sleep with a head like this
    I wanna cry, I wanna scream
    I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
    I wanna hate it all away
    (Solo)
    (Return to Chorus 2)
    (Return to Chorus 1)




    i dont want friends here. i dont want warmth.. i want to get over this problem. the last person that let me in close has been burnt so many times by me. i can natter with you, talk to you about things, but a friend i can not be to you. thats my personal way now for here. i am not going to lure anyone else in and harm them.


    this songs on repeat.

    ive never self harmed.. maybe when i was a kid but never anything big. I've definatly cut my wrists. but that type of harm came from a different place in me. 'just do it, it'll detour your track just enough'. i cut deep, a clean slice across my left wrist three times over the past year and a bit. quickly, like pulling off a bandade.

    the metal of the blade on my wrist intimidates me beyond anything. all my strength fumbles to it. all my bullshit falls to it. i fear. thats where i hide. ive made my life so well built in a shell of false strength that ive forgotten myself and my fears, hopes,feelings, perceptions.. ive spent too much time in my mind. i turn music on, and i create a literal world where i overcome something, that inturn through years and light drugs, this became my safe haven. i could produce feelings that were of balance. pain but that ends with some form of satisfaction for myself. in a fake world. i recieved my balance, because i gave up on the real world. id make sure id never feel any real pain in real life.. hid myself.. made sure that everytime i slipt into my worlds i had music on. id take drugs, and hold onto a thought(s) before i took them as the climax(s) hit over and over again. resisting the drugs affects on my mind so i was in control, and the drug was my tool. id play video games and make sure i knew what i was doing. id try to go out in public and control my thoughts, but real life has so many subjections, stimulants, factors, .. i gave up on that and stuck to my solitary confinment. i was already in denial for around a decade on certain feelings, unleashed ones and unanswered ones buried deep inside. the layer of a lied life was smuthering me. these produced feelings at points brought about associated feelings of what i felt as a child. um... .. lost my flow..

    its gotten so bad in my head that i spend more time in there. trying to be back in the world is horrible. i feel, and realistically probaby have lost the one person i love because i ...

    ive never cut . as in taking a blade. placeing it over my wrist, moveing it across slowly, in control, not letting the fear, the absolute distasteful yet stimulating pain take over and stop what i feel i need to do. my problem is i can only see me. but when i feel horrible, when i feel really down i can see other peoples. i know i dont haveto feel like shit, but i know that i covered my pain with a blanket of something. i closed my eyes to it. i closed my eyes to a perception that may kill me because i cant handle. i also.. hide parts of me in dillusion. real parts. you cant produce what i produce (atleast i cant) without real parts of me in the equation. ... i dont cry.. i dont suffer, i just sleep, attempt to work, and settle in dillusion. problem is, i started living real life again. i care for someone, and i cant have fake and real. i want real, even if its too late for her and me. i owe it to her, i owe it to me to try. that fine line is untouched by what i do. what i do is my choice and my path. my choice.

    :S... whenever i put a blade across my wrist it scares me. whenever i feel it move across my flesh i spasm in panic inside. i react to hide from the pain and fear in whatever realistic back door i can fine, just so i can escape the truth of what i avoid. ... ill post back when i get the courage to actually do this. i want to break this fake world down. i want to keep my actual focus alive and afloat. ill cut every hour i am awake if i have to. sensible, with the ability to grow strong enoughand understand what is happening so i dont use this like a drug....


    i know people use it because of the pressure and hell they are sitting in. im in hell, but in that hell a protective bubble of bullshit. im tired of being in la la land when the people i care about are hurting. im tired of being stuck and never growing. i want out, i want my life back. i want to be alive and live with people again.. i dont want to hurt anyone when they try to get me out ofthis bubble... i dont want to hurt anyone ... i dont want to hurt you.. i cant anymore... whatevers left of me thats me is so sorry.. ill fix this ..ill get out without damage to myself. the right way. i wont be stupid .. this hell wont break me
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2006
  2. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Blake is this how you feel? And if so...why?
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.