A serious question...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by CherryBlossom, Mar 4, 2008.

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  1. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    I hope I can explain this.

    I've had a lot of traumatic experiences in life and the most important one was the death of my mother. I felt when she died I instantly blocked her out of my mind, because the thoughts were just too painful to deal with (she died when I was around 13).

    Well my mom and dad are the only family I have. Now my father has stage 4 lung cancer (I'm 19 now) and I'm so scared all the time. I watch him get sick, he can't walk. It's like watching my mother die all over again.

    I'm pretty good at keeping it all in. I smoke I lot, I waste time, never go to class-but I'm pretty good at appearing to be strong.

    About an hour ago I found something my dad had wrote...something very spirtual. Basically a plea to God for healing.

    So I begin to lash out and cry my eyes out. I yelled and yelled at God. My dad is a good man and is being reduced to begging for his life from god. All the memories of my mother were coming back and all my anger and fear about my dad were too. It was reaching a boiling point and then...

    THEN...this is where it gets freaky. All of a sudden I opened my eyes and I didn't recognize my surroundings. I knew I was home but it was like I literally never saw this place before in my life. I started panicking and walking around and everything seemed so foreign and strange. I tried turning on my TV and calling something just to get my sense of "sanity" back. Finally I was able to numb my mind after playing some mundane computer game.

    And then I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. And it happened again. I didn't recognize myself and I couldn't believe my inner voice and my body we're related...I couldn't believe the person in the mirror was the one having these thoughts...LITERALLY and I panicked again and couldn't recognize myself.

    These episodes have been happening much more lately.

    Is this a sign of depression?
  2. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    Sounds a little like dissociation, which can be a symptom of depression. What you are going through now is totally normal. You've lost your mother and now your father is dying. Any sane person would be upset and sad and angry and feeling lost. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine the sadness and despair you must feel. I'm way older than you, 49, and both my parents are still alive. If I manage to outlive my mother, I know I'd fall apart when her time comes.

    Can you tell me more about what you're feeling and why? Has more happened to you than what's going on with your parents? Do you have any other symptoms?

    Hang in there...
  3. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    Well as far as other symptoms...

    I go for days and maybe even weeks where I'm fine and normal. Then I get into a "F-it" mood where all I wanna do is speed, get high, have fun. And then I'll have periods, like now, where I'm just so sad. These are the times I can't pretend anymore...it all comes out. Thats when I want to kill myself...last night a put a hand full of sleeping pills in my mouth just to see how it felt.

    I know this sounds like bipolar or whatever it's called, but I don't think it is. I think it's just life experiences that does that to me. Like, if I meet a guy I'll be in the happy stage for a while. And if my dad gets a cold, I'll get sad and my mind will turn to despair.

    I do self harm, abuse drugs. I have panic attacks.

    And all I'm expected to do is take care of my dad as far as food, the house, stuff he can't do and go to school full time. But I'm so lazy...I haven't been to one class in 3 weeks. I'm just so lazy it's pathetic...every free moment I have I just spend laying in bed daydreaming.
  4. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    Ummm, yes, you're depressed. I think you need to see a doctor/psychiatrist and get on some meds that might help you. I used to have panic attacks and there are pills you can take that will calm you. That's so scary that you you put pills in your mouth... I'm glad you didn't swallow them. Maybe if you started on some anti-depressants, you would start to feel a little better - self harm less (my psychiatrist gives me anti-psychotics for my impulses to self harm), and maybe even want to go back to school. I know you're going through such a hard time. Keep talking about it - it helps, and see what you can do about finding a psychiatrist and even a therapist to talk to.
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    I'll take an educated guess and suggest schizoaffective disorder, a comorbid existence of depression with schizoid features. What leads me to that guess is the description of dissociation (which Ellie caught)--the temporary feeling of detachment from your surroundings and "the mirror" episode you described.

    But I'm no doctor and you'd benefit from an evaluation from a real psychiatrist. Get one. Already have one? Tell him/her what you told us.

  6. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    Sometimes happens to me too. I'm somewhere, in my house, in a crowd, and suddently it's like I'm out of my body, i recognize the sorroundings, but they seem different. The voices and noises become softer. Don't know what triggers it. I don't think you can tell you are depressed just by these experiences (if I understood. they could differ from mine. they could be a different thing).
  7. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Ho... I need to make a correction.

    I said "comorbid [meaning existing together] existence of depression with schizoid features." I misspoke and should have said schizophrenic features. "Schizoid" by itself--something which I may have, btw--means tending to isolate and have few friends. It differs from the full schizophrenia because is no loss of touch with reality.
  8. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    ToHelp, schizophrenic? I thought that was mostly defined by halluctionations, which I've never had.

    I wish I could go to a psychiatrist but I'm poor with no insurance lol.
  9. -exposed-

    -exposed- Member

    hey cherry, in my own opinion it sounds like Post-traumatic stress disorder. Try looking into some councelling, i know that they do this for free in some cases and you would definitely qualify.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2008
  10. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    CherryBlossom, don't freak. I'm just shooting in the dark. Derealization is just a feature found schizophrenia. By all means, don't worry about the diagnosis-leave that one to the pros. :lips:
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