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A short story of my gradual disappearance

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shinkansen, Nov 12, 2014.

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  1. Shinkansen

    Shinkansen Guest

    Hello everyone,

    For the record, I have just turned 25, my life is overall successful, I have a good job, people who - I honestly think - care about me, and plenty of other things you would consider desirable for a regular life. And each day I want to die a little bit more.

    It probably started some two years ago, but it has been there for a longer period of time when I think about it now. I never was the life and soul of the party, but I was interesting enough to keep a group of people around me. I was smart enough, I had enough money, I was healthy and psychologically more or less stable. Every single thing was "good enough", which was satisfactory for me in the bigger picture.

    Something happened. Something has changed in just a couple of weeks.

    It manifested mainly in my decreasing will to talk to people, to have any interactions. I stopped picking up my phone, I turned down all invitations, I stopped to care whether someone was mad at me for whatever reason. I wanted to be alone. It quickly took over all other areas of life. I stopped tidying up. I barely studied. I gave up any physical activity.
    I was perfectly comfortable lying in my bed endlessly. At the same time, I could put random masks on. Predominantly those that created an illusion I am happy and I don't need any help or interest. Which I truly didn't want, if anybody tried to get deeper and ask uncomfortable questions, I pushed them away. At the same time, I felt isolated and sad that nobody saw the real me.

    Now I can see that I was not sad, I was just energyless. My batteries were flat. Because of that, I had zero motivation to do anything, since it appeared to difficult or complex. Now I am at the point where leaving the house is too complex. Funny thing is - I know it. I see it's pathetic.

    Several months into it and finally sadness kicked it. Sadness mixed with lack of sense and desperate search for meaning. Of my life, of anything I do. It had the greatest impact on my partner, who does not understand what is going on. All my inner anger is targeted at my relationship, even though I am with the best person I can think of.

    I went to a psychologist. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I don't agree with that, but I know I have this kind of profile of behaviour and thinking.
    So I went to a psychiatrist. I told him a part of the story shared here. She gave me the meds. I experimented with her with different types of treatment, but any psychotropic medication triggers terrible side effects for me. I decided it is not worth it.

    It's been half a year since then I am still in this downward spiral. I am not at the point where I want to open a window and jump. I'm not hysterical. But I'm dying inside. I am afraid I will reach the point where I will no longer care to even look for online forum to share and ask for help.

    That's why I came here to ask you all - what can I do to save myself? I want to live, I know life is so splendid and beautiful, but it leaves me piece by piece.

    Please help me.
  2. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Try to identify something that you want to do. I can't emphasize this enough - something that you want to do, regardless of what others think.
    Often the highly functional spend their energy and resources doing what others want. Withdrawal is a sign that it is all too much, a sign that you are sick and tired of meeting others' needs and that you need time to find out what you want to do. Its great that you know that life is beautiful. That shows that depression hasn't got you completely gripped. What is it that you find beautiful? What brings beauty into your life? Regardless of others, what do you want to do in this beautiful world? As far as we know this is a one time opportunity and you are being told very clearly by your mind that you are not living an authentic and fulfilled life. You haven't got responsibilities tying you down and can make the most of any opportunities.....once you have enough rest...get out there and LIVE.
  3. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear Shinkansen, I feel really sorry for your gradual dissapearance, and I hope you can and will find a way to climb back up. Depending on how desperate you are, you might try an Akashic Record reading or a Between lives soul regression, I wrote more about these in my post "Spiritual view on suicide" in the success strategies forum, alongside with some links that might help you fight yourself up again, in case you're open to it. I'll hope you make it!
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    A Therapist also can help you, honesty is the best policy when getting therapy.
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