A Short Story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nejmen, Nov 4, 2008.

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  1. nejmen

    nejmen New Member

    Well hello there, my name is Martin and i live in sweden (so excuse my bad english please ^^). Well right now the clock is 03:45 here and I feel like I need to tell you guys this.

    Well im not old, i'm 20 years old. 20 years.... And a big part of my youth has been like alot of people in here have it, full of problems and sadness. Although I live in a really good family, both my father and my stepmother loves me, i got really good contact with my relatives and I've had and have alot of friends. Sounds kinda good right? Well heres the problem. When i was like 14-15 My Girlfriend at the time left me, it wouldn't really have been a big deal if it wasnt for my mother... My Mother died in cancer when i was 7 years old. And just recently (1 year ago or so) me and my psychologist was starting to dig in my past. As soon as she found out about my mother we discussed alot about it and found out that I had (and have) a "subconscious separation-fear" (Hmm dont know if thats what its called in english but its roughly translated.

    And yeah... I got stuck in really bad thoughts because of that girl, and everyone was like "cheer up! Your only 15 you cant even spell love yet." But thats not it, I was not depressed because of her, it was because ive lost a close person again. And i couldnt help it, at all.

    Well thats what really "kicked of" my depression and from that i just went down & down & down & down. I couldnt do the school, I didnt eat and I was hardly anywhere else but in my room. For several years i had the philosophy "no woman no cry". Because I thought that was the whole problem, I was trying to fix myself so i stayed away from the girls. But one time, I met a girl that i just couldnt resist. And i was so sure deep deep inside of me that this just wasnt good for my, but her smile and eyes simply had me. And as i was soooo sure about, it didnt last. So, one night... she had been to a party, we was still talking sometimes and that night, she wanted to see me. So i asked if she wanted to come to my place after the party and spend the night with me. Then she said that she just wanted to talk to me because she wanted to know "How I do".

    So I got so so mad. So I Jumped on my Enduro Motorbike, drunk as hell and went to see her. When I got there she got sooo mad because I was on that bike, drunk. We were talking for hours and hours out in the summernight and she calmed me down in that special way that she did. And in the morning... She went home and said goodbye. So, at the time i was fairly sober so i got on the bike, and started to drive home. On my way home, i met a car. I thought that "this is it, I just cant do it anymore". So i Shifted gear, went to the other side of the road to collide with the car. I could see how the car was slowing down, hardly understanding what I was thinking to do. And when i was really close... My family popped up in my head, and I turned away...

    Now, when I got home i was really really mad because i didnt do it. So when I woke up next dide, i was so sure that sucide would be the death for me. So it became worse than ever. Ive been trying to commit suicide a few times, but there has always been something thats changed my mind in the last moment.

    So why do i write this?

    Because, my friend, there is so much more to life than you know. I just saw a documentary on tv about suicides and a swedish site linked to this forum. And I literaly was about to cry when i read the posts her. I know, its so hard to stand life, it is... Its still is for me this day. But think about life as a racetrack. Maybe your in the outside lane? Because I know from my own experience that when you got a bad thought in your head, its really hard to think about anything else than bad stuff. Its hard, i know its REALLY hard, but what about trying to change to that lane thats closer to the curve?

    And maybe you just prioritize the wrong thing about life? Feeling down
    because of school, because of you family, because of a girl/boyfriend, because of random idiots in your life maybe? I know I know, but heres a tip
    Dont... care. If your 3 tests behind in school and you dont know how you gonna make it for the degree, What if you had 5 tests? You dont... you just have 3. Maybe your boy/girlfriend has left you, What if she had been cheating to your best friend for years? And if she have, What if it had been going on before you even met her? You see, you gotta think "Im glad i dont...". Not "I Wish I..."

    As i said im 20 years old now, And I know, life is cruel. But change focus, change priority. I was afraid of girls as i wrote, And i was unlucky 2 times and it made me so sure that love for my girlfriend whats the root to all my sadness.


    Now I have a girlfriend... And we have been together for 6 months now, and all is doing really really well. I took the step, I faced my fear and what the hell? Ive been wrong, all theese years ive been wrong. It wasnt girls, it was the very tragic thing that happend to my mother when i was 7 that was the root to it all. Im not saying that I not deppresive now, I am... Im depressed. And you know what, that is perfectly alright. But you got to be sure what you are depressed about, to be able to face it and work with it. And my friend... suicide aint the right way.

    Ive changed focus, I priority different things this days. I dont lay focus ond school and the society. Because the society that we live in is so twisted and wrong, by a few greedy men that dont care about anything else but power.
    And its sad... I know, but even more sad is that its hard do anything about it without spilling blood and killing living individuals.

    I focus on myself, and the people around me. And since I have alot of problems to be really happy myself, I priority the people around me. Whatever makes me happy, I'll do it.

    And you need to do the same my friend...

    Dont think to big, change the focus, be sure what you are fighting really is your "real" problem, maybe something changed in the past of your life that you dont think of? Depression is so much easier to fight if your fighting the real root of it. But never, ever think about ending your own life. There is so much more.

    Try the lane closer to the curve, find out whats really the root of it and fight it. Live your life "small" and never, ever....

    ...Give up.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2008
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome to SF...so glad you were not injured in your trip...sometimes, change requires much more intervention, unfortunately, and takes considerable work to be successful...truly fortunate that you have been able to get through this...and hope it continues, all the best, J
  3. emry

    emry New Member

    haha tänk att jag inte var den enda här från vårat avlånga land. glad att höra att det löste sig för dig.
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