A Sigh in The Form of a Rant.

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by Ulcerous., Dec 25, 2006.

  1. Ulcerous.

    Ulcerous. Guest

    First and foremost: I love you all. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays. I hope the best for all of you.


    Please, don't waste your time to read on anymore than this... I am venting. It feels better if I get it out someplace where I know it's not inappropriate or unacceptable. Unconsciously, I'll somehow feel as if I've been listened to for hours. This is how my mind works.

    I think there's been a sudden change in my mindset; it just happened today. I wonder if it's because it's a tough Christmas for me, or because I've genuinely reached my boiling point.

    One of my most valued people in my life is angry with me at the moment. I just LOVE how they get angry with me when I need them most. More likely than not, nonetheless, it's my fault.

    Come to think of it, everyone's anger with me is my fault. I show them I need them, and when they frighten me by becoming a little closer than I'm comfortable with, I very quickly shut them out.

    But I have to shut them out. If I let them in, they'll get hurt, I'll get hurt, and that causes more trouble than it's worth.

    So I'm going to give myself some space from the world for awhile. I'm going to try to get myself together, then maybe I can enjoy spending time with people again like I used to.

    I miss things. I don't know exactly what it is I miss. I never really had anything good enough to miss. Regardless, I have nagging emptiness in the back of my ever-so-sick-of-thinking mind. It's a hole that's emerged from nothing but myself. Apparently, by giving little attention to this internal scratching I was doing, I neglected to notice that I was metaphorically scratching a hole into the useful part of my brain.

    None of this is to say I'm going to do anything drastic.

    None of this is to say I'm not.

    Right now, however, I'm okay with adhering to my responsibilities and doing nothing but that.

    I can live being a robot for a moment, and that's what I plan on doing.

    I'm losing a bit of my personality, anyhow.

    Not akin to any of this, I AM GOING TO RID OF THIS PAIN. One way or another, no matter how long it takes me, I am. And, of the little faith I have in myself, I do know that I am capable of doing whatever I sincerely want to do.

    I'm not impulsive, though, so you needn't worry.
    *Again: I was simply lifting some burden off of my chest by expressing this. No responses needed. As a matter of fact, I hope you didn't get this far in reading my text.