A single mother's pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 13fullmoon, May 31, 2011.

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  1. 13fullmoon

    13fullmoon Member

    I feel totally unwanted, unloved, used, worthless -- basically like shit.

    I can't find a job, no one wants to hire me.

    I can't find a roommate, no one wants to live with me.

    I can't find a partner, no one wants to be mistaken for the baby's daddy, not even the baby's daddy. He won't have anything to do with his daughter, because I am the mother. Because I was unpopular in jr. high. Because he made fun of me and still refers to me to this day as $5. I am not a teen mother.

    There isn't much I can do, or really, anything I can do at all to improve my situation.

    I am on welfare. My car's dying. My rent is unpaid. I have no where to go.

    I have this beautiful 6 month old daughter, and I am in extreme emotional pain.

    I want the pain to end. My father committed suicide. I want to as well, but I don't even have the strength to end my pathetic life.

    I have no motivation.

    My diet is shit.

    I don't even want to walk outside.

    I don't want to see the sun.

    I don't want to see the view.

    I have lost many friends.

    I had my whole life ahead of me. I was depressed, broken. I thought having a baby would give me strength. It's not enough.

    Nothing is enough. Nothing I can do or anyone else can do can save me.

    I'm ruined. My life is shit. There is no way out of this hole. I will rot here.
     
  2. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly. You aren't alone in this anymore you have us at SF now. You have your beautiful baby girll. You are going through an incredibly rough spot at this point and things may seem really dim but you will get through this.
    If anything focus on her and the wealth of knowledge that you have to share with her. Focus on being a good mother to her. A partner is the last thing you need right now. When you are ready someone will come along.
    It's a hard market to find a job in so don't take it as a failure. You are out there looking and that is what matters. Financial troubles definitely don't help matters. It doesn't mean you are any sort of failure. Sometimes we all need a little help.
    To take the burden off are you enrolled in WIC, EBT, Have you checked into local housing programs? Does your baby's father pay child support?
    There are little itty bitty things that you can do to change your situation. Like talking about how you feel, ad opening up to help. You are NOT ruined.
    I know you want the pain to end, but you need to keep going. Even if that means to take it one day at a time. We are here for you.
    If you ever need to talk shoot me a pm.
     
  3. paulj

    paulj Member

    I'm sorry to read how bad things are.

    I hope this forum helps you get some support.
     
  4. 13fullmoon

    13fullmoon Member

    I have EBT already and WIC at this time is more trouble than it's worth since I have an allergy to milk and eggs. It's just way too complicated and such a long waiting list for something that doesn't even cover the food I eat unless I fill out a shit load of papers and go to the doctors for like $25 a month in COUPONS. As far as housing programs, I don't really want to live with Micronesian gangsters whose home islands are currently being used as US target practice. I have a house. I looked long and hard for it. It was the best thing out there and now I am going to lose it once and for all beginning in July. I just have to accept it. I am probably losing my baby. I don't even know where I am going to go, and losing her will probably be short term until I can get on my feet again. I think my mother will take her but I know there isn't room for me. My pregnancy and now child are a burden on society, and thus, I am too. Someone could have adopted her from the beginning, someone who could provide stability for her. I fucked everything up. I don't deserve to live. I can't even stand me. I seriously hate everything I am comprised of. I don't want to breathe anymore. I don't want to sleep anymore. I just want something to come along and kill me. I am grateful for my daughter. She is beautiful and healthy. Someone could take her for me and end the fucked up cycle in my family that will otherwise never end.
     
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