So this morning, i went back to my doctor after telling myself the past few months that i was ok. I had been living a lie - i wasn't ok and i knew it. The important thing was that i recognised this and tried to change it by going back. I wasted my time and energy. I wasted his time. I wasted time that could have been used for someone else. I had been given an early slot - which i was quite thankful for as theres nothing worse than feeling like everyone can see your damage and judge you - if you get what i mean? I only had to wait less than 2 mins and i was in. The doctor asked what he could do for me, and my reply was that i felt it was hard for me to say immediately. (I find i get put off in my head if they speak first as i then feel i must answer and kind of run away in my head) I tried to tell him how in the last few weeks when people in real life ask me how i am, i look and all i can say is "i don't know". The only way i can explain this, is that i look in me and see/feel nothing, but just outside me, i can see a box - that others cant see - and i sense my feelings are in there. I just cant get to them. I also tried to tell him that the voices in my head that have been with me since all the abuse started when i was little, have suddenly disappeared too - i noticed that as my feelings left, so did my voices. They were important to me because they have always been there and helped me avoid harmful people again. They were my coping mechanism as well as my self harming. Its a long story, and im not too comfortable writing it all down. I told him i felt he couldnt really help me properly unless we knew absolutely everything there was wrong with me - i have spent the last few weeks thinking as sensibly as i could about this. I had wanted to ask for a full review, with the intentions of getting the proper help so i could get better and live. I never get what i want or need. He agreed it wasnt right for anyone to sit crying in an empty bathtub. But then he asked about work. He knew previously after looking at my work rotas that i had been working anything up to 20 hour days and he didnt approve. I only done it to keep my mind busy and away from my thoughts. I changed that in april. I went onto working just 8 - 14 hour shifts and work is work it has its own stresses. This morning my doctor said my current issues were down to work. I dont understand that man. How can anyone blame my current situation for things that happened in my past? Work is not responsible for me being abused and neglected by my family. The voices were in my head long before i even had a job. My self harming and suicidal thoughts have been there since i was 15. Work is work, it pays to keep a roof above my head because the authorities wont help. Work is not responsible for the nightmares that wake me at 2am in the mornings as always. It feels like such a slap in the face from a doctor. Is my life really that unimportant? I realise that when i cant help myself any further, i must reach for help. I reached for the doctor and he didnt help me, so now theres only one way left to go. After all these years my dad was right - i'd never be anything but a failure and no-one would want anything to do with me. I am a failure and i was failed by the systems put in place to help and protect us.