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A slap in the face

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shedhaddock, Sep 18, 2012.

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  1. shedhaddock

    shedhaddock Banned Member

    So this morning, i went back to my doctor after telling myself the past few months that i was ok. I had been living a lie - i wasn't ok and i knew it. The important thing was that i recognised this and tried to change it by going back.

    I wasted my time and energy. I wasted his time. I wasted time that could have been used for someone else.
    I had been given an early slot - which i was quite thankful for as theres nothing worse than feeling like everyone can see your damage and judge you - if you get what i mean? I only had to wait less than 2 mins and i was in.
    The doctor asked what he could do for me, and my reply was that i felt it was hard for me to say immediately. (I find i get put off in my head if they speak first as i then feel i must answer and kind of run away in my head)
    I tried to tell him how in the last few weeks when people in real life ask me how i am, i look and all i can say is "i don't know". The only way i can explain this, is that i look in me and see/feel nothing, but just outside me, i can see a box - that others cant see - and i sense my feelings are in there. I just cant get to them.

    I also tried to tell him that the voices in my head that have been with me since all the abuse started when i was little, have suddenly disappeared too - i noticed that as my feelings left, so did my voices. They were important to me because they have always been there and helped me avoid harmful people again. They were my coping mechanism as well as my self harming. Its a long story, and im not too comfortable writing it all down.
    I told him i felt he couldnt really help me properly unless we knew absolutely everything there was wrong with me - i have spent the last few weeks thinking as sensibly as i could about this.
    I had wanted to ask for a full review, with the intentions of getting the proper help so i could get better and live. I never get what i want or need.

    He agreed it wasnt right for anyone to sit crying in an empty bathtub. But then he asked about work. He knew previously after looking at my work rotas that i had been working anything up to 20 hour days and he didnt approve. I only done it to keep my mind busy and away from my thoughts. I changed that in april. I went onto working just 8 - 14 hour shifts and work is work it has its own stresses.

    This morning my doctor said my current issues were down to work. I dont understand that man. How can anyone blame my current situation for things that happened in my past?

    Work is not responsible for me being abused and neglected by my family. The voices were in my head long before i even had a job. My self harming and suicidal thoughts have been there since i was 15. Work is work, it pays to keep a roof above my head because the authorities wont help. Work is not responsible for the nightmares that wake me at 2am in the mornings as always.

    It feels like such a slap in the face from a doctor. Is my life really that unimportant? I realise that when i cant help myself any further, i must reach for help. I reached for the doctor and he didnt help me, so now theres only one way left to go. After all these years my dad was right - i'd never be anything but a failure and no-one would want anything to do with me.

    I am a failure and i was failed by the systems put in place to help and protect us.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Perhaps he meant that work is the main external stress in your life right now, and it is the main thing that triggers feelings that bring back your issues from the past. Sometimes stress from any source can stir up feelings that seem more to do with things from the past than the present, but dealing with the present helps to reduce both the present stress and the old feelings/issues.

    Maybe don't give up on the doc, but make another appointment to get help in dealing with the things you find stressful now and see if that helps with stopping the past from haunting you?
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It sounds like it may have been difficult for you to actually convey what is going on and so perhaps he was only able to grasp at what he was able to pick up from you. One thing that you might consider doing is setting up another appointment, but this time writing out (like you would here) what things you feel are the issues that contribute to your situation. Don't make it a long book, but a couple of good solid paragraphs should do fine. Get this to the doctor in advance (seal in an envelope and drop off at his or her office a week prior to the appointment). Bring a second copy with you to the appointment for him just in case he didn't receive the first.

    It's difficult to help someone without the full information and it is understood that this is difficult to put out. Heck, anyone in any state of mind would have trouble telling their inner most thoughts to what is essentially a stranger. It is not bad or wrong if you have trouble giving full details, but you can find other ways to do this and then perhaps the doctor can better grasp and be able to develop a treatment plan.
  4. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Doll, you are not the failure in this scenario, you doc is the failure. Sure it can be difficult to articulate all of one's problems & issues, but dox are supposed to be professionals, to know what to do & how. Dismissing your very real agony as something work-related was simply a cop-out, a easy way out for him. Nothing very much for you. Unfortunately I don't know what one has to do in the UK to change providers, but initiating that process might be a first step in the right direction for you.

    I hope things start looking better;-)
  5. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    Find another doctor , this one just looks for the easy way out , this one doesn't really want to help you , you are just another income nummer .

    Sorry that is it, see you work to live , he works to live ...
    So you can't blaim him , for taking the easy way out .
    Cause you are not dominant enough to tell what you want him to do , that is listening to you !
  6. shedhaddock

    shedhaddock Banned Member

    I wish it was that simple. I cant change doctors - i tried and they wouldnt change my meds or help me without saying that i had to go back through the original doctor. Why bother keep reaching for help that clearly doesnt want me.
    We all have our limits and i cant see the way out. I find myself walking more and looking at the places around me, and all i can think is "that will be a good place to die"
    I dont think anyone really understands me and no-one can help. its a sad situation. Im tired. I dont want to keep fighting for my life and living for other people because its not my life, its theirs.
  7. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I don't think that people should live for other people - it just ends up with you resenting that person/people. You need to live for yourself, if you can.

    Firstly, is there any chance that you can be pleased that you recognised that you need help and actually tried to get some (whether or not that was successful is a separate matter). I realise that thinking that way can be difficult, if not impossible.

    Secondly, I agree with the previous suggestions that, maybe, the doctor didn't get everything that you were trying to say. Since you seem to have trouble talking about your feelings (understandable, I assure you) then I think that the previous suggestion (made by pickwithaustin, I believe) to write everything down before you get there seems like a good idea. At least try that before writing him off completely. That way you can be sure that you tried everything and it wasn't YOU that failed, but the system. Does that make sense?

    I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you. Good luck in your attempts to improve things and I apologise if anything I've said is either offensive or just plain stupid.
  8. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    As well as the above good suggestions and advice- call NHS Direct and and tell them how you feel - that you feel suicidal depression and when went to the Dr the only advice or help he gave was to "work less" and you need an appt with somebody to get a proper psych eval.

    Taking the first step is hard and you already did it - now take the next step and follow through with making enough noise to get them to listen. The writing down ahead of time in a couple paragraphs may serve you very well regardless of if it is the same Dr again or a different one.
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