A small vent.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by flowerpot, May 12, 2013.

  1. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    It's been quite some time since I have put my troubles into words. Seeing as I am feeling stressed I thought it might be helpful. I don't talk or blog about things like I used to but as always I am looking for some form of solution.

    I am trying to decipher what it is exactly that is troubling me. My problems don't revolve around other people like they once did, well, other than general feelings of disappointment or disbelief in society but nothing personal as my life doesn't involve much socialisation. I have some family, some family friends here & there, but I don't have much in the way of friends, no one my own age. Not that that really bothers me, I've never been able to associate with people my own age & have always had better luck with people a lot older, but that can come across odd I guess. Even though I don't like participating in society much (going outside, lol) I still seem to be able to function within society if I have to. I still interact with people but they are mostly acquaintances. There's not much in the way of friends. I'm not exactly sure why I'm mentioning this because it's not something that particularly bothers me, I'm just so used to my own company.

    Back to my troubles. I know the main one is my course. I am currently enrolled in the second year of a degree but I am such a terrible student. I always was, even through high school. My attendance was poor then, just as it is now. Infact I hardly attend at all. I'm trying to think what makes it so hard. I like my course & I want to do well, but at the same time I don't seem to have any motivation. I have plans to dedicate all my spare time to studying but it never happens. I seem to have this problem where I do everything but dedicate myself to my course. I find or make things to do, just to avoid it. People would think I'm crazy, because I will write giant lists for the day & I have to do everything before I can settle down & study (because I can't settle down to study knowing there are other things I have to do). I will put on washing, wash dishes, go buy groceries, clean something that does not really need to be cleaned. By the time I'm done, I'm too tired to study & say 'okay, tomorrow instead'. Yet it never happens. I have never been diagnosed & I don't mean to be a self-diagnoser but I think by now it is clear I have some form of OCD in regards to organisation. I wouldn't say it's 'fun', but I gain satisfaction from things like organising my clothes so that the most recently washed things go underneath in a pile in the drawers, or to the left in a cupboard, so that the things that were used the longest time ago on the right get used. I will also rearrange the pantry so that all food items are in categories, the earliest best before date is the first one that will be used & all labels are perfectly aligned. Yep, a bit crazy :congratulatory:

    The way I keep lists is pretty intense too. I wouldn't say harmful or dangerous, but I think this behaviour makes me stressed, yet without it I would feel completely disorganised & even more stressed. I have to write down everything that I need to do & as soon as I think of something I have to write it down or I fear forgetting about it. Such as everyday I write down that I have to make the bed, even though this is something I would probably do anyway, many times I've considered not writing it down, but I just have to. It really does seem to be some organisation obsession. This applies to many things, continually making lists. I think list-making & organisation are great habits, but I think this is really bringing me stress. I always feel like I have a million things to do & I cannot relax.

    But the main thing is that it is negatively impacting on my course work. Why am I putting something I care about & want to succeed in last? I had an assignment due last week which I did not complete. I really struggle when I don't understand or don't know how to do something. I almost freak out, then push it away so I don't have to deal with it. First I was going to designate Saturday to working on it, then Sunday. Now it's the early hours of Monday & still nothing. I just don't understand why I cannot force myself to do something that is important, especially when it's late & I will have already lost a large per cent of the mark (if I even get a mark). If I don't complete this assignment very soon I think it may mean I fail the whole unit (subject) because it equates to 35% of the whole mark & because of that it must be attempted. I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to make myself do it. I want to, but here is my problem. It doesn't make much sense. I guess I'm not good at dealing with things that are hard & I don't have the initiative to seek help.

    Now it seems like I will take the easy route out & accept I will fail this unit & not try. I will settle with the idea of re-doing it next semester, or in another year, in hope that next time I'll have a better idea of what I'm doing & I will have fixed my lazy self by then. I have already failed a few subjects & others I have just passed. I do reasonably well in some assessment pieces, but the ones that are what is hard for me, I usually get poor marks which affects the final result. I guess I have some bad problems with procrastination. Creating things to do, in order to avoid what you should really be doing, is no good. I seem to think doing something that helps other people, like keeping the house clean, or cooking a meal for several people, makes it okay that I am sacrificing my course. Yet I know the people I am 'helping' would really want me to be doing my coursework & giving myself a chance for a successful future.

    As much as I really want to complete this course, I am wondering if I am wasting time & resources. Should I be doing this if it's really so hard? Yet what is the alternative, some crappy job. I want this degree. I just wish I was a better student. I wish I could dedicate myself.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Have you discussed this with a doctor or therapist? You seem to have good insight into the details of the problem. I think an outsider's eye to find ways of dealing with it would help. There are lots of things we can't do alone. I think for you this is one of them.
  3. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    No I haven't. I'm no good at talking about myself in real life. It's very uncomfortable for me :(
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should try. You could print out your post to use as a starting point. Some years ago I was such a gibbering wreck that when I saw my doctor I handed him a list of things I'd written in advance. Otherwise In my panic I'd have either forgotten or just run out.
  5. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I have tried in the past but I didn't enjoy it. I don't handle attention very well. Although I think it was partially due to being younger & also not being comfortable around male doctors. I think finding a female doctor may be easier, but still a struggle. I'm going to have a look on the uni website as I think they offer services.
  6. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    That's a good idea. Most unis have counselling and or chaplaincy services. The latter are available to everyone. Hope you find an understanding supportive female to talk with.
  7. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I've sent an email. They have a feature where you can contact a counsellor via email but I think they will still recommend coming in to talk to a counsellor which will be a challenge. I feel so exposed.

    I am finding it so stressful though now that I have this overdue assignment, the semester ends in a few weeks which means exams, plus another group assignment where I need to participate or I let the team down, along with external stresses.

    Thanks for your help anyhow Theodora, it's nice to have someone reply.