A story of betrayal which begs the question how can we protect ourselves?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ToHelp, Dec 14, 2008.

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  1. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member


    Miss J see here was perhaps the most cunning and deceitful woman I have ever met online to date. (That's saying something.)

    We met elsewhere and have since fought then made up (rinse & repeat a few times) six months ago.

    We both found something that we needed in each other. I came to love her and still do to this day, and recently we had a nice spell, though I always sensed deceit (strange, but stay with me).

    Last night, she just could no longer contain herself: "YOU WILL HATE ME. I know where and who you are now.... TOHELP." Single subject line, no body, designed to mangle and to hurt.

    Through my disappointment I responded, "No. ToHelp still loves you."

    :sad: I thought I could trust her, a mature woman.

    I had only the merest idea that she might be dangerous in this way. Now I have to consider this person a functional psychopath. I love her but cannot risk that trust anymore.

    Should never have, but therein lies the conundrum: How can you know? The red flags were always there, but shoot. People always fight to some degree.

    How can one EVER know?

    Well, we can all take a lesson from this to never, ever mention that which you would protect in a purely online relationship.

    (I mentioned to her many times, this is the last house on the block for me; an anonymous last bastion I have come to call home and she claimed that absolutely, she respected that.)

    What- I mean what can I say? I believed her.

    There are any number of ways really by which she could have connected the dots and I am speaking with staff about this right now.

    What does the reader think? Aside from never trusting again, what can you do?

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Wow. But if you close yourself off and dont trust again, you may never find and experience the mutual joy and affection you seek. I speak from experience. And it is harder each time you are deceived because each time you take more and more of the blame. Yes there are many red flags that can be waving right under your very nose. But it is true what they say... "love is blind." I think people tend to ignore them because their desire and want for affection is so great. So you think, no not this time. This time I will be more careful, more discreet. But then bam!... love comes into the picture and you refuse to see. Love! What a strange emotion. We need it so badly but yet it can hurt us the most. So use the experience wisely my friend and keep trusting. But trust your own feelings and instincts above all else first. It's about the only thing one can do. Either you take another chance and maybe find what you need or you dont and spend the rest of your days always wondering.
  3. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    I'll take option two. Every time I have opened up, it's resulted in worst pain -- that of heartache.

    No so much this time though because, I just.... I dunno was always guarded enough not to fall handlong.

    It was the result see, that made this one so dangerous. The woman was willing to do research and go so far as trespass into a SUICIDE forum. She didn't stop there. She made light of it in her own way.

    Itma, I've come to believe that some people are just unlucky and destined to stay so.

    Stakes are too high man. I'm trying to live. If subsisting alone works, then so be it.

    But I've had pain far worse than this, so bad to make you just want to put a gun to you head. I do not want to revisit that. Love is far too potentially volatile for me.

    J claims up and down to "follow in the ways of Christ" and read her Bible daily. It's out of my hands--the guilt will soak in, for this was a true low for her.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    John I am sorry that she has betrayed your trust and destroyed what you thought may be a safe haven. I would tell you to take a great deal of caution in trusting others, but please do not choose to never trust again. Trust should be earned, not freely given. Sometimes we blindly trust and run into difficulties because of it. I hope you and J can make amends and at least part in peace agreeing to leave each others safety in tact. :hug:
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Agree that trust best be earned, and slowly. I have also learned anew that "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time". Thanks Gentlelady
  6. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Im not a fan of online relationships at all. you never know who's on the other side and its very easy to be fake on a computer.
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about trust. It's especially hard when its an online relationship, even harder if it's long distance online relationship, cos you just don't know if anything someone said was true. :hug:
  8. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Yeah I... have to give these up (online). J of all people to be snooping around and doing the "research" thing.

    My God the lady's 50 years old and her buyline was "I'm not a mean person." You have to have to heard her say it to get the "cunning" quality of this.

    Psychology 101 - you repeat a thing enough times (and portraying a good persona in general), it becomes truth.

    But you can never know that. No matter much the heart and soul may need to believe it. Some people--and this is well known--are just born actors (actresses) in that sense.

    We were on the heels of an argument and this person, this "not a mean person" elected to go about as low as one can, just to maim and injure. Gentlelady described it precisely: "She has betrayed your trust and destroyed what you thought may be a safe haven."

    'Twas the violation of the safe haven part--almost akin to a rape by definition--which gave away this person's capacity for mal-intent. "Not mean" my ass. My God she even researched me on Facebook. lol

    Folks, when I say psychopath (actual term that psychs use now is sociopath), believe me I am NOT just citing jibberish. This is the type of personality which, if swayed just a few more clicks the wrong way, is capable of nasty things. :screwloose:

    Well J I know you're reading this so you should you know I have not changed my conduct one iota on here. I have been offered a few radical changes that might make me less identifiable but you know? with the briefest consideration I passed on it all.

    Ya got me where I live. Are you just overwhelmng impressed now. (Probably.. lol!) The fact is damn we talked HOURS and there's just very little I am or would "ashamed" of. (sorry)


  9. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    I'd rather learn how to STOP protecting myself and actually risk rejection once in a while because life is so boring and pointless otherwise.
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say, I've gone through similar things with internet stalkers. And, yeah. I just wanted to say that. You put it well, it being like rape. It's just like that.

    I don't know what to say, but betrayal with people who are liars, yeah. It's bad.

    Don't know what to say but why do people do this and not realise what they are doing? I don't know.
  11. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Oh they know. The know full well what they're committing.

    ggg, bless you for this--I never thought of the stalking aspect. And if by definition anything qualifies, that this was stalking behavior.

    Hey - I don't know the lady offline but online she is crazier than a boar house rat, a certifiable nutjob. Had the gall to call me a "two-faced sick pervert." (Oh now, but she's still a Christian!!)

    I just learned how she did this, and it was simplicity itself. She spent half a night spidering Google using the keywords "benzo," "depression," and "suicide." That was it! And even though SF is not indexed for very long, but she eventually lucked out, spied my writing and that was all it took.

    Just take care everyone, as stalking behavior can take many forms.

    I called her a nutjob. Well, you decide: Half the time she'll block me, followed by an avalanche of pleading e-mails (FOURTEEN the other day).

    She has "sworn on her children's lives" that she'll never come here again. Can you believe this.

    Trust? Now?

    I told her, "Madam uhh... It's a LITTLE late" and that this is a bell you cannot unring, at which she became quite distraught.

    Well I didn't invite this and I'm sure as hell not to going to stop posting on her count.

    :bleh: ToHelp
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2008
  12. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Oh my God everyone. Pathologically, predictably, she just can't shut the fuck up to save her life, as she....

    Well, per SF forum etiquette, this no longer belongs in this forum as it's turning into a rant and we have other forums for that.

    I do not wish to continue as far as that goes.

    As said before, I didn't invite this, resulting in trauma to her -- and her colleagues, friends, coworkers, and loved ones really need to get that. This was a serious interpersonal violation given the theme of the forum and further, showcases traits of Internet stalking.

    It is in fact a textbook example of the obsession and therewith, annihilation of trust. It doesn't make either of us a bad person but there are lessons here for everyone.

    Lastly, I would ask her therapist not to paint me in bad light but in the interest of professionalism and professional ethics to be as neutral as possible. Remember that online relationships are hit and miss anyway and that nothing really excuses acting out on impulse just to hurt another person.

  13. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member


    Heya! Happy New Year again, all.

    Sadly I have an update. I may NEVER do the online dating scene again. "Fatal Attraction," anyone? :laugh: It is amazing to consider how much has transpired in so short a time yet this troubled woman in spite of her "word" has been hitting the site as late over the past few days.

    And had the nerve to chasten me for my contents on what was ostensibly a true safe haven, omg.

    Mind you, this person has now acquired confidential information about me, my full name, and of course my location on Suicide Forum. She went out of her way to "locate" me against: her own promises... my clear requests... and her doctor's efforts to work with her obsessional behaviors.

    My God what can one do? I ain't changing, running, or hiding, you can forget it. I do politely suggest her psychiatrist COAX HER OUT OF THIS forum.

    Just get her away from me. Hell, I'll pay ya!​

    THIS IS MY HOME, good Doctor. I speak only for myself here and not on behalf of Suicide Forum. Leave me alone on here. Do NOT use my postings as therapeutic extention lest word get right back to me. Words to the wise.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2009
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