I wrote the original text on wednesday, 15th of november 2006. I made some changes to adress an audience that does not only consist of christians.
Dear fellow humans,
I am currently on a mission to visit numerous discussion sites and share my story with as many people as possible. I have been suicidal since my childhood (nearly 20 years now), and today instead of finding a high place to jump off of, I experienced a revelation about what God wants of me.
I suffer from social learning disorder: http://wholechild.net/SocialCognitiveDisorders.htm
Social disability is hardly researched or acknowledged, but should be ranked on the same level as mental or physical disability. I doubt many people even know it exists. When I was a child and teenager, my inability to interact with peers in any normal way was blamed onto myself, and the problem worsened with every new school or residence, as the nearly paralyzing fear of repeated rejection increased. I was bullied, segregated, and ridiculed over the course of 15 years. I have never had a proper romantic relationship (dating is out of question) and am not capable of making friends unless they treat me with a lot of patience and support.
My life has been marked by loneliness and constant fear of rejection. I practically live on the internet, only here (and with long time friends) I can let my personality shine and truly be myself. When meeting strangers, I generally stutter, don't know what to talk about, speak quietly, experience blackouts concerning simple things I am asked about, and tend to give out of place comments that don't come off the way I had planned. One example is that for quite a long time, I did not even realize that it can be considered rude to never avert my gaze for a lengthy period of time. As a teenager at a specific school I was called 'stalk eye'.
Normally (at my age) ingrained aspects of everyday social interaction are a true challenge to me. For me, writing has always been a lot easier than speaking.
I only ever had the support of a true family for 3 years before it broke apart and left me and my mother isolated.
I'm one of those 'I don't want to die, but I just don't know how to live' suicide candidates. I don't care about money, sex, career, sports, or power. I could hardly ever manage the motivation to get anything at all done, such as education or any job - there was nothing in my life I felt was worth striving for, except for temporary bursts of happiness and motivation when I picked up a super awesome relationship on the internet - I feel an almost painfully overwhelming desire to start my own family with the right guy.
The most recent of my internet pickups seemed perfect. A one in a million case, with everything a woman could possibly want, except for a more than average appearance and money. The first in my life to take a lot of time and effort to show me he cared about me, for more than half a year. When someone closer to his location ended up grabbing him and left me without as much as a chance to seriously develop things in real life, I could not think of anything other than jumping off a bridge.
I had previously tried to make a deal with god... I said, 'God, if I can have this man, I'll have the energy and plenty of my overwhelming love and happiness to share with others. I'll write a book to help others in similar situations. I'll manage any challenge in my life and will do so to do good.' But god, like other times before when I really cared for something, had different plans.
At times I wonder if my life was planned to be over 20 years of emptiness and loneliness mingled with desperation for some reason only He knows.
Now I'm getting somewhat religious... some of you will find this odd, and possibly think I am mad. If so, I encourage you to read the novel 'Run Baby Run' by Nicky Cruz, the true story of one of the most brutal gang leaders of New York during his time, and the way his life was changed.
A few days ago, when I was unable to eat or sleep because of the loss of what felt like the greatest romantic love a human could possibly be capable of, and when I planned on what day I was going to jump, I suddenly woke up at night, and there was this fuzzy warm feeling of being loved, once more. I did not appreciate it, as I stubbornly insisted on wanting to end the pain of my life, and tried to focus my thoughts onto jumping again... and when I did, the desire to was gone, and I felt sad over just having thought of it. Afterwards, I finally got some deep and undisturbed sleep without unpleasant dreams.
Today, when I looked at maps of my area for possible lookouts or buildings with a falling distance of at least 30 meters, I suddenly decided to have a look at bible discussions involving suicide on the internet. I had already made up my mind about it, but when I read that 'god has a plan for everyone' it struck me that I had no idea what He could possibly want of me. Then it suddenly dawned me that I might be expected to share.
Now, if you have followed my story for so long, I have a few requests.
Help me spread awareness about social learning disorder. People like me are often labelled mentally diseased or blamed of not trying hard enough. We are not ill. We have trouble learning the rules of social interaction and interpreting cognitive feedback related to it. I doubt many psychotherapists even recognize social disability. If left untreated and if there is no or hadly any positive and continuous social interaction from peers, a child could turn into a very isolated adult.
Recognize and support those suffering from social learning disorder. Is the quiet new guy at work who never spends coffee break with others really an antisocial chosing to be alone, or does he need help? Does your child have trouble being accepted? You could make a big difference by just approaching and asking the right questions.
Share my story. If you are a teacher, please tell your class about me, and spread awareness about children like me who turn out to be messed up adults after years of alienation. If you are a preacher, maybe the story could fit into a sermon about charity. If you are a social worker or know some, maybe this could be the beginning of more solid support for the socially disabled. Medication won't help us. Patience, sympathy and friendships will. The world needs more institutions that offer friendly interaction and empathy rather than psychotherapy and pills.
And read that book if you don't believe I am not babbling nonsense.
Dear fellow humans,
I am currently on a mission to visit numerous discussion sites and share my story with as many people as possible. I have been suicidal since my childhood (nearly 20 years now), and today instead of finding a high place to jump off of, I experienced a revelation about what God wants of me.
I suffer from social learning disorder: http://wholechild.net/SocialCognitiveDisorders.htm
Social disability is hardly researched or acknowledged, but should be ranked on the same level as mental or physical disability. I doubt many people even know it exists. When I was a child and teenager, my inability to interact with peers in any normal way was blamed onto myself, and the problem worsened with every new school or residence, as the nearly paralyzing fear of repeated rejection increased. I was bullied, segregated, and ridiculed over the course of 15 years. I have never had a proper romantic relationship (dating is out of question) and am not capable of making friends unless they treat me with a lot of patience and support.
My life has been marked by loneliness and constant fear of rejection. I practically live on the internet, only here (and with long time friends) I can let my personality shine and truly be myself. When meeting strangers, I generally stutter, don't know what to talk about, speak quietly, experience blackouts concerning simple things I am asked about, and tend to give out of place comments that don't come off the way I had planned. One example is that for quite a long time, I did not even realize that it can be considered rude to never avert my gaze for a lengthy period of time. As a teenager at a specific school I was called 'stalk eye'.
Normally (at my age) ingrained aspects of everyday social interaction are a true challenge to me. For me, writing has always been a lot easier than speaking.
I only ever had the support of a true family for 3 years before it broke apart and left me and my mother isolated.
I'm one of those 'I don't want to die, but I just don't know how to live' suicide candidates. I don't care about money, sex, career, sports, or power. I could hardly ever manage the motivation to get anything at all done, such as education or any job - there was nothing in my life I felt was worth striving for, except for temporary bursts of happiness and motivation when I picked up a super awesome relationship on the internet - I feel an almost painfully overwhelming desire to start my own family with the right guy.
The most recent of my internet pickups seemed perfect. A one in a million case, with everything a woman could possibly want, except for a more than average appearance and money. The first in my life to take a lot of time and effort to show me he cared about me, for more than half a year. When someone closer to his location ended up grabbing him and left me without as much as a chance to seriously develop things in real life, I could not think of anything other than jumping off a bridge.
I had previously tried to make a deal with god... I said, 'God, if I can have this man, I'll have the energy and plenty of my overwhelming love and happiness to share with others. I'll write a book to help others in similar situations. I'll manage any challenge in my life and will do so to do good.' But god, like other times before when I really cared for something, had different plans.
At times I wonder if my life was planned to be over 20 years of emptiness and loneliness mingled with desperation for some reason only He knows.
Now I'm getting somewhat religious... some of you will find this odd, and possibly think I am mad. If so, I encourage you to read the novel 'Run Baby Run' by Nicky Cruz, the true story of one of the most brutal gang leaders of New York during his time, and the way his life was changed.
A few days ago, when I was unable to eat or sleep because of the loss of what felt like the greatest romantic love a human could possibly be capable of, and when I planned on what day I was going to jump, I suddenly woke up at night, and there was this fuzzy warm feeling of being loved, once more. I did not appreciate it, as I stubbornly insisted on wanting to end the pain of my life, and tried to focus my thoughts onto jumping again... and when I did, the desire to was gone, and I felt sad over just having thought of it. Afterwards, I finally got some deep and undisturbed sleep without unpleasant dreams.
Today, when I looked at maps of my area for possible lookouts or buildings with a falling distance of at least 30 meters, I suddenly decided to have a look at bible discussions involving suicide on the internet. I had already made up my mind about it, but when I read that 'god has a plan for everyone' it struck me that I had no idea what He could possibly want of me. Then it suddenly dawned me that I might be expected to share.
Now, if you have followed my story for so long, I have a few requests.
Help me spread awareness about social learning disorder. People like me are often labelled mentally diseased or blamed of not trying hard enough. We are not ill. We have trouble learning the rules of social interaction and interpreting cognitive feedback related to it. I doubt many psychotherapists even recognize social disability. If left untreated and if there is no or hadly any positive and continuous social interaction from peers, a child could turn into a very isolated adult.
Recognize and support those suffering from social learning disorder. Is the quiet new guy at work who never spends coffee break with others really an antisocial chosing to be alone, or does he need help? Does your child have trouble being accepted? You could make a big difference by just approaching and asking the right questions.
Share my story. If you are a teacher, please tell your class about me, and spread awareness about children like me who turn out to be messed up adults after years of alienation. If you are a preacher, maybe the story could fit into a sermon about charity. If you are a social worker or know some, maybe this could be the beginning of more solid support for the socially disabled. Medication won't help us. Patience, sympathy and friendships will. The world needs more institutions that offer friendly interaction and empathy rather than psychotherapy and pills.
And read that book if you don't believe I am not babbling nonsense.
