a story..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mittens, Jun 8, 2008.

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  1. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    first off i would like to apoligize for the coming spelling and grammatical errors within, as im typing with one hand.

    it's been a fun past couple years to say the least, feel free to read the entire story or the more recent suff, i'll be breaking it up iento 2 parts-my junior year, and my closing senior year in highschool.

    JUNIOR YEAR*****

    i have always tried to be maoral person, despite my lack of faith in god, and have always strived to help people, or at the very least-not be a burden.

    at the beginning of this year, i decided that i wanted to throw my soul away. i began using copius amounts of drugs, first pot, which evntually developed into pain pills, ectasy, acid, and my main squeeze-meth, cocaine and amphetamine.

    i abondoned my closest friends, a group of five or so that i have been very close to for about four years, hanging out every day. i started with a new crowd, and felt emotionally and spiritually superior to thhem ?(i guess that was the feeling of why i left). i wanted social acceptance, and i strived to be one of the cool kids.

    i dont remember where i was or what i did, but i do have the unforgettable feeling of my state of being during that time. i lost about 20 lbs by the end of the year, putting me at 118 lbs, and i'm about 6'1. i felt and looked like death. my friends approaced me at one time with their concerns, i brushed them aside-as with my teachers, and parents who knew somthing was amiss. i didnt sleep for days on end, i never ate, i felt empty, i wanted to kill myself, at one mpoint in time i began hullacinating due to the lack of sleep and malnourishment, to this day, i feel what i saw and felt was real.

    fastforward to the end of the year, it was the last day of school, i had just spent 3 hours taking an exam which would determine if i passed or failed my spanish class (i failed), and all i could think of was how i wanted to get home and die, i could barely walk through the hallways to my bus. then. i get punched in the back of the head by a black football player, i get up, he punches me an additional 5 times in the face, ripping my ear and breaking a tooth. He is couple inches taller than me,about 160-180 lbs, big guy. this was infront of the entire student body (i had never talked to him, and didnt know his name until a couple weeks later..*seriously*). i cant describe the following emotions, but, i vowed to destroy him.

    I quit smoking cigarettes, any form of drugs, absolutely cold turkey. i began working out 3 days a week, and took israeli martial arts 2 times a week, i dieted, eating only carbs, no sugar, and massive amounts of protien and creatine. in about 3 months i put on 25 lbs of muscle, i was ready to come back to school and reuinite with my real friends, and put that....human...garbage in his place (who will be reffered to as 'douche' for the rest of this post).

    although i purposely promised to myself that i would not forget the feelings i had that last day, as it fueled my determination an physical necessities-i developed somewhat of an anger problem-even today i have that same burning feeling in my chest, like it had just happened. i would have outbursts of violence twords anyone, punching holes in walls, breaking things, the whole nine yards. despite this, i also picked up guitar once again (buying a gibson les paul)-which i had abanndoned during junior year.

    my life at the time went as follows-wake up, workout, play guitar (normally for 5+ hours a day). i went into my senior year confident and happy, excluding th looming alterction between me and douche. for a while, for the first time in my life, i was proud of myself, girls noticed me, i regained my guitar playing abilities, friends, and surpassed myself in everyway.


    like i said before, things were great in everyway, i stared down douche and all of his hip hoppiddy gangsta friends every chance, i even defended some of the younger kids in the same situations i had, one comes to mind where another bi black douche comes up to this kid and slaps the shit out of him and dumped his gatorade on him-i promptly run over and slam his head into a locker, busting his lip. the kid was crying, he was a freshman band kid and i told him if he ever gets flak to come to me (cliche movie heart warming bullshit, i know).

    however, about 4 months into the year, somthing happened that would destroy my mind, body and spirit (this is where things get fun). I was at a metal concert with my old friends, and i was attempting to get out of a mosh pit, a 400 lb neo nazi tackled me from behind, giving me whiplash, i had two ribheads pop out, minor nerve damage, a pinched nerve, and various misalignments in my back vertabre-my atlas, popping out of my neck.

    perfect timing right? after numerous doctor visits, 90% of my injuries undiagnosed even then-i was told that i was able to play guitar, but not exersise. however, due to the trauma in my left shoulder and arm (i landed on) i quickly developed tendonitis, and upon bringing this to a doctor i was told that i DIDNT have tendonitis, so i kept on playing for about 2 months until the pain was unbearable in my shoulder-now they tell me to stop playing guitar.

    needless to say, 5 months later and 20 lbs of muscle atrophy later, and unable to play guitar, was in chronic pain, and unable even to play video games. i entered a spiraling depression, my injuries werent healing, and upon noticing that i was injuried, douche and his friends began fucking with me again (what a guy right?). so, my life in ruins, a two hour concert ruining every aspect of my life (i couldnt even have sex with my girlfriend), i began to drop out of school.

    i missed 45 days of school this year, and during that time i was indulging myself in alchoholism. i would drink a bottle of wine in the morning, and beer throughout the day, finishing with vodka. i didnt care about my body, my life, or anything. i would cry at anything, at a comercial, or a thought. on my 18th birthday, i burned a 3rd degree hole in my arm with a lighter. i can remember looking at my decayed body in the mirrior, and seeing my guitars-everything i tried so hard for gone, i cried like i have never before in my life, the sound of myself scarring me to this day--i could not describe the despair in my voice.

    needless to say, i was very suicidal. i even attempted suicide twice. one time taking <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>leaving me in a psuedo coma-having to get my stomach pumped and leaving me with internal bleeding, and a second time where i promptly went into my dads closet, <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>

    at some point, i stopped drinking due to it enabling my severe depression, i got put on anti depressants after being hospitalized for killing myself, and have been chugging along ever since. i did however get all of my absenses exscused by 3 doctors, so i will graduate this year.

    my whole thing is the thought of never recovering, wasting my senoir year in pain, not being able to do the things i want and not becoming the person i know i am.

    as it stands, i cant decide wether or not im glad that i didnt die, i know that if my body doesnt pick up soon--i will indeed euthanize myself. i refuse to be crippled from everything i love. i refuse not to be what i want to be. i am an emotional, physical, and spiritual ruin.

    ive long died on the inside, the outside-soon to follow.

    im not me anymore
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2008
  2. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    wow. thats deep. im sorry to hear how everything fell. but this is your opportunity to improve everything else. you will recover everything if you believe that you will.
    congrats on graduating. thats a big accomplishment.
  3. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    thanks for the kudos mike. ive been looking for somthing to fill the time-and get my mind off my mind, i am pretty limited though, started playing harmonica, not the same though.

    maybe this is my chance to get good at math, haha, maybe not.

    if anyone out there could reccommend some activities or books i could look into.

    thinking about reading 'As I lay dying' just for the irony of it, as this was also the band that i was seeing when i got injured.
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    You are a very strong person to have gone through such a crisis. That strength will serve you well in the future. Only you can decide.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    As far as books what kind do you like? If you like fiction try reading WEBB Griffin. his books are usually a series . I found them to be very intersting. I also like Tom Clansey. He also usually does a series of books.
    I hope your injuries heal soon. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Have you thought about college. It will not only give you an education but it will also give you a long term goal . Start out small, give yourself short term goals.
    You know, you might want to check into doing water therapy. You get in the pool and do a regiment of exercises. The water helps support you so it takes some of the weight off you while you exercise. Nice talking to you. good luck and stay strong.:chopper:
  6. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    thanks for the words of encouragement. i guess as far as books go, fiction seems up my alley, ill check him out-thanks for the recommend.

    just got done remodeling my gimped atrophy ravaged arm.
  7. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    hey dude i dont know the details of ur injuries but the way i see it your body models to what activities you do- ligaments/muscles grow with APPROPRIATE excercise and even if u have permanent tissue damage -say a torn ligament the excercising should encourage growth of the other tissues and muscle growth and more muscles means more stability/support for the damages area.

    basically what im saying is dont think you cant excercise again and dont give up on it. its almost never a bad thing.

    having said that with your injuries (which sound pretty bad) you CAN do damage with excercise especially in your state which is why you have to do structured excercise and slowly build things up over time. And I strongly recommend you consult with a doctor about this.

    of course there are injuries that will not benefit from excercise that you need to let heal before you can put teh stress of excercise on it but i doubt all ur injuries are like that.

    dont give up man- youve put on that 25 lbs of muscle on before- im sure u'll be able to do it again-heck, chuck it all on to ur good leg and kick the crap back up to his mouth if u cant put it on ne where else lol.

    but yea the important things -
    Dont think your body's done for your only wat 20?- its not.
    Go see a specialist for appropriate excercise plans and take things slow-it wont happen overnight

    oh n p.s. burning a hole in ur arm or giving urself internal bleeding's doesnt help :) ur body needs like good food and nutrition n stuff- not more things to put on the list of things to fix
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2008
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