A Strange Thing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Produn, Sep 1, 2007.

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  1. Produn

    Produn New Member

    Well I have a problem and I'd like to see if anyone here knows exactly what it is I have, or if it's just me somehow over dramatizing something everyone experiences. My problem is dealing and confronting the past. Bad memories, which I know everyone has and think about sometimes, continue to replay through my head. Sometimes it's just stuff I should brush off. Sometimes it's something a little more serious. Either way reliving these memories has made life itself, hard to get through. It's as if when I'm alone all I can do is live with these memories and reassure myself that when I kill myself the memories will end. What keeps me going, day to day, is simply the fact that I know ending my life is the selfish way out. It doesn't exactly seem fair to pass on the very same pain I'm trying to escape onto those I care about. What's funny about my situation is the fact that I lead a pretty decent life. I'm well-liked, I have a lot of friends, I've got a bit of talent for writing and music. There's people that have it way worse off then me out there who don't think about dieing like I do. The thing that I'm curious about, in regards to my situation, is whether or not this problem is related to my depression or something all together different, or just me being highly sensitive and over dramatic. Either way I feel as though I've reached my breaking point. So if anyone feels like they can shed a little light on what's going on in my head, I'd greatly appreciate it.
  2. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    I don't think I have depression. I think I am just sad all the time because of my past. I had so much going for me and now due to a few stupid decisions I have so much less going for me. I would love to die and go home to the only one who has ever truly loved me, but I will wait till He brings me home. One idea is to help those more unfortunate than yourself. It can give your life purpose. Hope this helps.
  3. hwynym

    hwynym Guest

    There are those of us who, no matter what we accomplish in life, will always feel like we're not good enough. We can easily let in other's BAD opinions of us, but if someone tells us that we're smart, funny, talented...etc - THAT gets blocked and we can't accept it. We always say - "no, I'm not"... or even if we just say "Thank you", inside we're saying - "You wouldn't say that, if you knew the real me...".

    I'm one of these people and I never understood this part of me before I got into therapy and started working on the root causes of this. I also found out that EVERYBODY has a little of this self-doubt, most just don't show it as much as I do.

    I don't know if you feel this is one of your problems, but the replaying only BAD memories is part of what I described above.

    My suggestion is to find a good therapist and work through what's causing you to loop only the bad memories in your head...you know there are good ones, you just have to find a way to convince yourself that your worthy of them.
  4. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    My advice? Stop thinking about the past if you possibly can. It'll just tear you apart.
  5. debbiej

    debbiej Member


    One of my favorite quotes is, "Where words fail, music speaks."

    I don't know you too well, so I don't know if by writing you mean lyrics, and by music you mean music with words. Writing short stories and music without words, are all equally wonderful.

    Lyrics can be extremely powerful, a therapy of sorts - a way of letting it all out. Sometimes, I only listen to a song because of the lyrics. Short stories or long novels, if you write something that comes from the heart, it may not strike everyone the same way, but there will always be that one person who reads your story from a certain point of view, and it may just help them keep going.

    Classical music can also be very powerful. A composer named Frank Ticheli wrote a piece called "An American Elegy" in response to the Columbine shootings. It is a beautiful piece that has brought many to tears.

    Words and music are my outlet, too. I am a lot like you. I replay the bad memories more than the good - but writing the bad memories in an extremely disturbing short story or poem help me a lot. I have a friend who can sit in front of a piano when he's angry, and the notes just come out of his fingertips, you can almost feel his anger, sadness, or joy when he plays. Maybe you could try whichever applies to you - then show it off! Make enough good memories to override the bad memories. =)

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2007
  6. Produn

    Produn New Member

    Thanks a lot for the feedback guys. When I said writing music I did mean mainly lyrics. They've defitantly helped me to get out what I'm feeling, but at the same time, by the end of the day I still have bad memories to wrestle with. I've been debating therapy for awhile now but I don't exactly have the funds for it right now since my family hasn't really been doing too well in that department. Maybe somewhere down the road though. Anyway, this song I wrote in paticular seems to sum up my situation better then any of my other songs. I don't like it as much as I did when I wrote it but it has its charms.

    Road of the Hourglass

    I stand beneath the sands of time
    Waiting for the clock to chime
    My mind is filled with past regrets
    Everything I cannot forget

    The nightmares plague me
    In my head
    But even though they kill me
    I’m still not dead

    I walk the road of the hourglass
    Awaiting shadows that never pass
    I walk the road of the hourglass
    Awaiting shadows that never pass

    Do I have the will inside?
    To carry on
    Do I have the strength within?
    To bear the weight of this world

    I know that in the end
    I’ll have to face the mirror
    For in that final moment
    I’ll lose or find my hope

    I walk the road of the hourglass
    Awaiting shadows that never pass
    I walk the road of the hourglass
    Awaiting shadows that never pass
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