A stuck mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Feb 16, 2013.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ok, HOW do I stop this repeating entry in my mind? Sui thoughts, over and over. Deaths, over and over. Seems negativity is ever present. I'd like and want to do something positive, but I keep coming back to this place. I feel adrift, lost more so. Scared of the unknown, the thought of whatever is a future, how to manage. Over and over. This same storyline. A roundabout. A Ferris wheel. Never ending, but I want an end. An out. I'm scared, though.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When I was in the throws of my PSTD, that is all I had on my mind, and would change every perception to match my internal state...for me, it was being able to express what was going on and then having guidance to see I could make it otherwise (this is the very short version)...please remember, I am here
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I sent you a pm, Mo. Sending a serious :hug: for your heart
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes, okay, I am a whiner. I am a selfish whiner. I'm also a pain in the ass. A whiny, selfish pain in the ass who posts too much and can't write a poem for shit. I'm a lot more also I'm sure.

    I don't feel like I belong. Anywhere. Coming into my home today, it felt empty. Like it wasn't home. Thats the first time in my home feeling that way. Not the first time in a country for feeling that.

    I'm going downhill fast and am unsure how to stop this. Triggering stuff going on and coming up soon. Its too hard. Again.
     
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I don't want to bring you down any, i just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel ((gentle hugs))
    i feel as if a ghost, and i am haunting my life...i haunt this house and land. nothing is the same any more.
    Anyway, much love to you (hug) try not to kick you....you have a good heart.
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you K...

    Walking around in circles today, unsure what to do. I don't want to do anything but feel like I should, but then it feels like too much effort when I just want to hide in bed, but then that makes me feel bad for being a lazy blob instead of trying to do something. Around nd around it goes.

    CAnt seem to turn off mind, it's skipping from one thing to another, one memory to another, from things to get done to reminders of other things. Anxious and stress is up there.

    Which is ridiculous as there's zilch for me to be sooooo worked up about in many ways. In other ways they all feel too much.

    I can't continue like this, I simply can't. Stuck again. Tired of trying. Feeling like a miserable sod. That life itself is too much. Am back to methodology.... It's been a while. It scares me though too.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I am thinking of you. Sending healing thoughts. do you have people in your community who are of any kind of support? I really hope you have that.

    Responding to what you wrote earlier today, you are not selfish. Nor are you a whiner. I think that when we are in so much pain, there is no way to see out. Its sort of blocked. Or thats my impression of intense pain. I hear ya when you say you dont feel like you belong anywhere. I could say you belong here. But thats not at all what you were meaning to say. Sending healing thoughts :hug:
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thinking tonight about how I go through the motions.

    How are you? Fine thanks.

    Any news? Nope, not really, all is fine.

    Just act like all is normal (whatever that is) to the general inquiries. Putting posts where posts should be online and crap.

    What am I meant to say? I'm sui again? When in reality no one knows or knew about stuff going on with me. Well those who knew are no more, I suppose thats a better way to put it.

    Thanks flowers.

    Anxious, very anxious again tonight. I think I'm fooling myself honestly. Shit.
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    ,.........
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2013
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thinking of you today, yesterday and tomorrow Mo. Hoping that you can receive the grace of help for some of the excruciating pain :hug:
     
  12. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    ...but all I know of love is how to live without it. I just can't seem to find it.

    Karen Carpenter says it all.
     
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