a stumper.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by falldownmarigold, Nov 4, 2006.

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  1. falldownmarigold

    falldownmarigold New Member

    I want to start by saying that I'm really glad I found this board. Considering the act of just living for the people that care about you as a valid reason to live is purehearted to the point of conviction. Reading things like that, and Syd's philosophy of duality in the random nature of living and dying in the "the question" thread, have put things in a little bit of light for me - if even to just sobbing and catch my breath.

    I am an extremely lucky person. My parents are wealthy enough to put me through college without any financial aid and pay my rent. I have everything I need and more. I've never lost anyone close to me. Even when I've felt mixed up, I've never succombed to drug or alchohol abuse. I'm healthy - fit even - and I'm considered to be a pretty, friendly, kind (!) 21-year-old girl. This adds so much to my feelings of guilt for being so low and having done so little in life n comparison to my realm of oppurtunity.


    As long as I can remember, I've switched between groups of friends according to the guys I've dated. I've known this flightiness to be a weakness for me in the past, but little by little, I've realized that this isn't as far as it's gone. After a big breakup last spring, I resolved to become "independent." My ex had done way too much for me as an emotional support and just helping with day-to-day life. (driving directions, fixing housekeeping problems at my apartment, grocery shopping... you know.)


    The realization that I'd been taken care of too much turned into the realization that I've actually needed those people to tak care of me. I'd been in serious relationships with strong, opinionated guys since I was 16 and all my close friends have been "hero" types: they've always had a lot going for them, and never really noticed that I didn't have my own thing. I'm an agreeable, caring, and patient friend- but in reality, its only because I'm shadowing whoever I'm around to hide how empty I am. It's sick.

    I have no problem solving skills, logic, or motivation outside of being what other people seem to want. I hit bottom this summer when I faced the fact that I can't even wrap my head around movie's plot enough to distract me from everyday life. My mind bores me to death, and I feel like such a worthless fraud for never developing my own interests or personality. And, I feel crazy for being able to evade that fact for so long.

    No matter who has been around in my life thus far, the truth is that every relationship has been fake - because I don't seem to have the smarts to actually choose anything that I want or like, from picking something to eat to choosing a college major to having opinions about politics or religion. The way I think a person should be - responsible, strong, independent, witty, committed - is a way that I feel incapable of being, so I gravitate towards people like that, thinking that I'll become that way if I hang out enough. I've managed to make a vapid accessory out of myself in the process.

    I had neurological testing done and although my intelligence is "above average" (this scale spans from brain damaged people to freaked out college kids, mind you), my memory and focus was shot and it was chalked up to depression and anxiety by the specialists I saw. But I think I'm depressed and anxious BECAUSE my mind is so overwhelmed by the world. Imagine if you didn't know when to laugh while you were watching TV, or you couldn't tell a cohesive story about your childhood ... I literally don't feel like I know what to think about anything. Nothing strikes me, I can't lose myself in any activity .

    I've stayed in bed for days on end in agony over this - this feeling of not being a real person. I'm so embarassed around everyone I "know" - I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. I'm dating this fabulous guy who does SO much with his mind and with his life, and I just know he's bored as hell with me, but he knows how down I am and he's too compassionate to end things.

    I lost my virginity to him because being around him gave me some kind of hope, and I knew that connection would help ease the awkwardness that comes with my introvertedness lately and keep him around. He says that he loves me and wants to "wait through this hard time" until I get better. But who I am under all these carbon copies of other people is NOTHING, and it's only a matter of time before he figures that out. He's my only motivation for going to class, or eating, or even getting out of bed.

    I've worn my parents out, they are convinced I'm "being too hard on myself". I don't even know who my real friends are. I don't even care about seeing anyone unless they're connected to my boyfriend in some way.

    I've faked everything for so long, and I'm just tired. I can't accept how dumb it seems like I am, and how I can't seem to break the awful habits that I have. The scary thing is that they've kept me alive for this long. But now that I really know who I am, I absolutely HATE myself, and I can't go back to the way things were when I was able to experience life through other people's lives.

    I wish I could kill myself just so that I could show how much I disapprove of the way I am. I know so many people have to see through me. I don't want to hurt the people that care about me (or what they think is me). But I feel so trapped and slighted by God, angry at Him.

    Even when things get hard, never take for granted the fact that you can lose yourself in a computer game or perform genuinely well at your medial job or really LIKE to play a sport or plant flowers or whatever. Because without feeling a genuine connection to things, its impossible to relate to any person or to life.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    WOW you have an awful lot of insight into yourself, don't think you realise how much. That means there is a real thinking person in there. You are in touch with so much of your feelings that I think psychotherapy would really work for you.

    You said your parents are wealthy, would they be wlling to pay for a pychotherapist or analyst for you? I really think you would do well in therapy just for how much insight you have.
     
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