A sudden change in mood and thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Dec 7, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone, Yes it's me again. However, instead of being the optimist, I'm ruminating the urge to do something harmful to myself. I know that if I do it, I will lose my apartment and be homeless, or I will never be on that med again, (which I really need), or end up in the hospital, possibly a vegetable. I have a plan but I don't know if I want to give up everything that I have worked so hard for and just act on my impulses without thinking. I keep thinking about it and it won't go away. I am glorifying it and being entertained by the thoughts. I know I sound like a hypocrite when I try to help others but I want to give up myself too. Yes, I fight the urges. That's all I can do although I REALLY wish that I could have the guts to attempt it, again. I hope I won't do it but stay strong and not give in to my urges which are teasing me. Oh how I want out.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you stay strong so you can enjoy the things you have now apartment being one of them be good to you ok
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I even text my social worker just now saying that I think I need to call the crisis hotline. I know what they'll do if I admit that I'm suicidal with a plan. I don't want them to know that. Then I entered in Facebook to all my friends that I need their prayers because I'm struggling. Yes, I'm trying to reach out for help but I need to help myself. I've been crying and that releases some of my sorrow. I think I'm gonna journal so I can sort out my thoughts and feelings. Believe me, I know I'm stronger than to give in, but I feel so close to just losing it. I want to tell my mom to not put me in her will because I don't think I will outlive her. I'm scared of going back to the hospital so I need to muster all my strength to NOT do anything. I know that in my past, when I get suicidal, I usually act on it without thinking. Now I'm thinking before I act. That's why I'm posting here and see for myself how ridiculous I sound. I just wish I have a real friend to talk to without him/her to freak out on me. However, I don't have ANY friends who can do that except here in cyberspace. How sad. I'll try to hang on with my lonely self and just hope I will get through this without incident.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have friends online that is the only type of friends i have is online and they have help me not to harm me too You are strong hun and you won't let that mind of yours take you to that harmful place. Crying helps when one can do it i am glad you can let tears flow get listening to some music you enjoy ok Put on tv something that makes you laugh get distracted ok i get so busy sometimes i forget to eat I hope you know we care ok you do not sound riduculous you sound like you are suffering hugs to you
     
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi mpang123,

    i am like u in that i have no real life freinds, only online ones... but online friends can be beneficial too and care about you just as much as real life friends in most cases. i do not think you are a hypocrite just cuz you feel like giving in.... the point is, you haven't... and... you ARE doing those things you tell others to do in order to get them outta the suicidal crisis point... you are being very strong, i'm acutally impressed at your strength and courage to let as many ppl know as you can... i'm a bit confused on why you dont want your docs knowing though?
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demuredawn, I'm scared that my psych doc will put me back in the hospital if I tell her what I'm contemplating on doing. Maybe I won't tell her my plans and by Monday, I might have recovered from this freakish episode. I'm already feeling more grounded and I feel my crisis is lifting. I thank you and TotalEclipse on being there for me. I just needed a safe place to vent, and I find it here. Wish me well!
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i do wish you well, but just try to remember even if you do go to the hospital, at least you would be in a safe place til the crisis passes, at which time they would release you again... no shame in it at all hon , wish you all the best ... be safe
     
  8. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    My ideations have subsided already from venting in this forum. I'm so fortunate to find this site which has practically saved my life many times. You'll hear from me again and hope it's more positive. Thank you for your support.
     
  9. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Hey there fellow soldier of Sorrow. We all need help somtimes. You may be lost but no means alone. Your obviously a strong person. The fact that you are second guessing those thoughts show that your winning the fight, keep it up. Just remember that tomorrow comes after the dark. Cry , shout , scream if you have to, let it all go. We are always here. Little steps can take you a long way. Keep fighting soldier.
     
  10. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    silentlyfading, I will carry my cloak and shield and keep fighting like a soldier.
     
  11. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    I would be sad if you go. I wish things are getting better for you :)
     
  12. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Blacky, I'm fighting as hard as I can. The good thing is that I'm starting to feel better again. I thank ALL the supporters here who has brought me back from feeling so down. My thinking is getting positive again and I'm not panicking anymore. Miracles do happen.
     
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi mpang. I just now saw this. So far I think you have done brilliantly with this. You did everything you needed to do to facilitate what you called "miracles". You came here. You reached out. You conveyed with complete coherence what was going on. You did this. Please continue to do this as long and often as needed. I think you are pretty darned amazing in how you fought this. Whatever it takes.....
    Weather its reaching out here and answering every post, or calling crisis line. Whatever it takes to stay alive. You figured out the resources you needed to get you through. you did not give in. Just keep up the good work to stay alive. Wherever you have to reach out to get the support to stay alive. Each time you defy the idealations and thoughts, with the help of those who you reach out to, you gain more strength. I am glad you were born. And I am glad you are alive.
     
  14. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i am very glad you are feeling a bit better, mpang123 ... and i agree with everything that flowers said too... you are awesome and caring and strong... this world is better with you in it
     
  15. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Flowers and all, I thank you for all your words of encouragement. Without you guys, I would probably spiral downward and perhaps had another attempt, if heavens be. It's good to know I have your support but it's sad that the only friends I have are you guys. People in the real world avoid me because they can't deal with my depressive thoughts. It's sad, but many of us don't have much support from outside sources as well.
     
  16. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that thingas are getting a little bit better for you. I believe in you, you are a fighter :hug:
     
  17. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Blacky, that's all I can do...keep fighting
     
  18. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    I think you are far more successful than me..
     
  19. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    mpang, it is sad but true. that the real world does not have compassion and support for people who have mental illness. I do think there are maybe group therapy situations where like minded people can get together and understand the feelings each other has.But thats not so common. So I do think isolation is a very painful part of depression mental illness etc. Making it so much worse. Thank God we sf. Because way too many of us do not have support system irl. I am amongst them. How are you feeling today? :arms:
     
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