A suicidal alternative to the end of an LTR

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Otherwise specified, Jan 2, 2013.

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  1. Otherwise specified

    Otherwise specified New Member

    My marriage and life are disintegrating. There is a very complicated story involving my SO, another female and myself (and the connections in the relationship are complex and further complicated by our history) and I have AS/ASD and compulsion.

    The issue is binary and irreconcilable if my SO holds her position. The relationship is heading inexorably towards a split. Should it end, I don't have a place to go or means of support... and don't think I'd quickly or easily support myself (I have some crippling anxiety/procrastination related to executive dysfunction - living arrangements and a job, alone and unprepared seem impossible especially now)

    All this has culminated in my seriously considering suicide as a solution.

    It's gone beyond a mere concept, to a manner, details and logistical planning. I'm considering something not intended as a suicidal gesture and, I think, in a way that I won't walk away from.

    It feels odd to have this thing that I can't talk about at all with anyone, so I just wanted to write this here.

    I'm not in pain, don't consider myself depressed right now(although I have no motivation to do much of anything, even things I might enjoy) and my view of the purposes of my life is to have something to look forward to. More and more I foresee the future being more difficulty than I'm prepared to deal with, with liittle or no upside.

    I just feel i've wasted a decade or two with a constant and unchanging dysfunction. I can't shake the private issue I have, and can't face the world alone. My tears are rare, but I feel them swelling as I contemplate that. I don't get upset thinking about the end. I'm scared of the finality, but I visualize it now, and alone and unprepared is more scary.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not alone hun ok we all make mistakes but it is from those mistakes that come change. You reach out and get the support you need to change to heal you can do that.
    Please keep talking to us ok keep reaching out here Hell i understand i do I have the same thought but i know that the thought is just dam depression and yes hun you are depressed Get help ok with your depression and start healing ok hugs
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Umm.. win some lose some? If you have tried to fix it and it has failed to be fixed then there is nothing you can do about it. Some things cannot be fixed after a while. However, we live in a time when you are allowed to break up with your SO. In the end as long as you can say you tried that is what matters. So just get a divorce and try again with another female.
     
  4. Otherwise specified

    Otherwise specified New Member

    I wish it was as simple as just moving on. I don't want to kill myself because of the relationship, it's because I have an understanding of how I won't be able to function in building a new life.

    AS can be really crippling in new or uncertain situations. Your psyche literally tells you that you'll fail in whatever social situation because you don't understand or won't be understood. Thinking it through can help in small ways but I can't comprehend changing everything.

    I can't picture building my own life anew, and i can picture ending it. I can look the planned spot sitting on the couch. I know I can prepare a thorough suicide. It's a question of pushing through the self doubt for just a moment.

    Everyone dies. What does it matter if everything to come is just difficulty, failure and generally stuff in no good at?
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah I can relate completely to being able to see your life ending but not being rebuilt. One thing I tend to feel is an extreme curiosity about why I failed and why I do not understand something that seems so simple for others. I talk about my youngest sister in this regard. She had a goal to stop sleeping with guys she did not like. I never understood how she could just get sex. There are men out there who just have sex on a whim as well. I do not understand that. I came to the conclusion that I want to end my life for one of two reasons.

    The first reason, I am afraid of failure. Yeah you know I am afraid I am going to fail and suffer for another couple years just to fail wishing I had already killed myself. Hell I already feel that way. I should have just killed myself when my first plan was supposed to happen. I did not, had a bit of success and lost it all. So yeah I fear trying and failing.

    The second reason, I am afraid of success. I think this is the more likely fear. I am scared that I will survive and I will succeed and get exactly what I want. To be honest I do not know why I fear success so much. Why I fear having a life I can love. I do not understand it to be honest. I wish I did.

    However, sometimes you just have to do that. Stand up and try again. Face your fears and try again.
     
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