My marriage and life are disintegrating. There is a very complicated story involving my SO, another female and myself (and the connections in the relationship are complex and further complicated by our history) and I have AS/ASD and compulsion. The issue is binary and irreconcilable if my SO holds her position. The relationship is heading inexorably towards a split. Should it end, I don't have a place to go or means of support... and don't think I'd quickly or easily support myself (I have some crippling anxiety/procrastination related to executive dysfunction - living arrangements and a job, alone and unprepared seem impossible especially now) All this has culminated in my seriously considering suicide as a solution. It's gone beyond a mere concept, to a manner, details and logistical planning. I'm considering something not intended as a suicidal gesture and, I think, in a way that I won't walk away from. It feels odd to have this thing that I can't talk about at all with anyone, so I just wanted to write this here. I'm not in pain, don't consider myself depressed right now(although I have no motivation to do much of anything, even things I might enjoy) and my view of the purposes of my life is to have something to look forward to. More and more I foresee the future being more difficulty than I'm prepared to deal with, with liittle or no upside. I just feel i've wasted a decade or two with a constant and unchanging dysfunction. I can't shake the private issue I have, and can't face the world alone. My tears are rare, but I feel them swelling as I contemplate that. I don't get upset thinking about the end. I'm scared of the finality, but I visualize it now, and alone and unprepared is more scary.