a suicidal feeling without of title

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ivorian, Jul 23, 2011.

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  1. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    I hope my phone will survive this. I hope I'll survive this.
    I have a fear. A fear of being alone. Left out. Forgotten. And now I can't get out of this. I used to have even real friends, but that changed long time ago. Then I started to relay on virtual friends. But they dissapeared too.. Eventually nobody manages to cope with my 'constant whining' and leaves me alone. I have this one friend, who knows me longest, and i trust her most. I dared today to say the truth to her. That i want to kill myself. But i only got shouted on, that i should stop whining, and thats she has problems too. That it is allways me. But i never understand her system, when she can throw her problems at me infinitely, and when i cant say a word. She wont talk to me again, so i am oficially alone.
    I searched for a proper pills which could kill me at home but couldnt find anything at least little lethal.. I thought about self harming, but im afraid il get addicted to it. I used to give hints to my friends about all of this but none of them took this serious. And it gives me a stronger wish to show them that i can kill myself. I lost my enthusiasm to stop running from problems long time ago. Now i just want to die.. Allthough one friend once told me, that i dont want to die, i want to suicide.
  2. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    hm, yeah i am having that feeling like i am alone all the time, i am too afriad to go out and meet people, i always think why should i waste my time if i am going to suceed in ending my life why should i try at anything, but maybe it is time to admit you will not kill yourself, and that your life is what you make it, if you want friends join a local book club, ok i guess i don't really know anyone who is in a book club to read books :) they always talk about life and things, unless u find one that actually reads books, hm, we will all be forgotten, imagine the amount of names the kids will need to learn in a million years, i really hope they don't waste their time learnign about me! that would be terrible, people would spend half their lives learning names, ok maybe just forget about it, just do soemthign else, or maybe make ti so your not forgetten, invite and design faster than light travel :) ok thats not possible maybe try to design some new peace of code that optimizes others code so that everyone will use your code when they program, and make it easily portable so that anyone can use if and so everyoen will use it and make sure u put your story in the code so that no one forgets you!

    orr write an amazing computer virus that hacks into everyones computers and puts you life story into them so that everyone knows you :) ok this one might get you in trouble,

    hmm maybe have a million children, they will remmeber you! but a million children, hmm that would hurt a lot!
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Ivorian, welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and how you're feeling. I'm glad you found this website because you'll find lots of people here who are very supportive, good listeners.

    What has happened to make you afraid that you will be alone, left out and forgotten? If I understand correctly, this was a problem even when your real life and virtual friends were around...? O

    I look forward to seeing you around the forums and getting to know you. :)
  4. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    jkeller4000, you actually made me smile honestly, thank you. I miss smiling. Usually i just put fake happiness on my face. Too bad there's no book clubs at where do i live. Or any clubs at all. I tried a lot of ideas, but my shyness and fear of social failures doesnt help me too much.
    Acy, thank you for welcome, i have been silently visiting this forum for months. It allready helped me a lot. Took my minds away from self harm.
    About that fear.. Obviously i never was a popular person. But this fear is a quite fresh thing. I somehow got it when i felt everyone dissapearing permanently. Starting from childhood friends. And having in mind that i suck at finding new ones, it became a fear of loosing all of them.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Ivorian, when we find ourselves alone and feel like people have drifted away, we ALL have some self-doubts and fears. At least I do. :unsure: And it isn't always "easy" to meet new people. It takes time and sometimes some practice.

    The only concrete suggestion I can think of is that you join some groups/clubs that are centered on some interest you have. At first, the "interest" will be what you have in common with those people, but after a while, when you get to know each other, you'll make new friends. And I'd happily be a friend around here for you. :)
  6. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    groups of common interest.. I guess I have just joined one. A group with interest of surviving. Allthough i also guess that it doesnt caunt. Now i'll have what to think about trying to fall asleep, because i have broken my life so strong that i dont know what is my interests. Thinking about how to kill myself never really helped with sleeping. Honestly, i didnt even expect someone to read all of this, and i thank you for making my expectations wrong.
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