I hope my phone will survive this. I hope I'll survive this. I have a fear. A fear of being alone. Left out. Forgotten. And now I can't get out of this. I used to have even real friends, but that changed long time ago. Then I started to relay on virtual friends. But they dissapeared too.. Eventually nobody manages to cope with my 'constant whining' and leaves me alone. I have this one friend, who knows me longest, and i trust her most. I dared today to say the truth to her. That i want to kill myself. But i only got shouted on, that i should stop whining, and thats she has problems too. That it is allways me. But i never understand her system, when she can throw her problems at me infinitely, and when i cant say a word. She wont talk to me again, so i am oficially alone. I searched for a proper pills which could kill me at home but couldnt find anything at least little lethal.. I thought about self harming, but im afraid il get addicted to it. I used to give hints to my friends about all of this but none of them took this serious. And it gives me a stronger wish to show them that i can kill myself. I lost my enthusiasm to stop running from problems long time ago. Now i just want to die.. Allthough one friend once told me, that i dont want to die, i want to suicide.