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a time for revelation

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by black dove, Jan 3, 2009.

  1. black dove

    black dove Well-Known Member

    i decided to write this thread as i was inspired by that of black rainbow on sexuality issues.

    i hope that this is appropriate in this forum. after reading the instruction thing from Sticky i was a little confused but hope that i haven't submitted anything that isn't meant to be here.

    anyway, onto the purpose of this post.

    it has been a long time coming but i guess it's time i slowly start revealing certain pieces of myself.

    as said, this post was inspired by other people's thoughts on sexual orientation. personally, im thoroughly confused on the matter but i'm pretty sure im a variation on the theme of bisexuality. or maybe i'm gay and just think about girls sometimes? the truth is, i dont know. but i definitely find attraction to both sexes. i always assumed when i was little that i'd grow up, marry a woman and have children. but i dont know anymore. i would absolutely love to have children. but to be honest, the person i've been the most heartbreakingly in love with in my short life (i'm only 19 so im still discovering myself) is a guy which has been terrifying and painful and confusing. he has/had no idea whatsoever about this, he just has always felt as those we were really close friends, and has loved me in that way.

    having said all of this, i am very much closeted, living the life and presenting the exterior of a heterosexual young adult male. but i dont know how long i can keep this up. so much of me is ready to be true to myself and get over all this insecurity and awkward drifting but then other parts of me are tugging me back to the direction of predictability, of my friends and their assumptions of my heterosexuality. i have no idea when i am supposed to come out. how to do it. what will happen. whether to cut off all ties to my closest friends who mean a crapload to me. its absolutely terrifying. i guess a lot of this provides some insight into why i joined this forum in the first place because ever since i finished school in 2007 this whole thing has become much more of a painful reality for me. and thoughts of just quietly finishing everything have pervaded my mind for pretty much everyday of the past year. i'm okay currently. but i've taken some dives in recent months.

    god someone please respond to this post for that was the greatest revelation i've come up with, possibly ever.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's very hard to continue not to be true to yourself. If you don't feel like you can be true to yourself in front of your current friends then maybe find some new ones? But if they are really your friends they should love you for who you are :hug:
  3. black dove

    black dove Well-Known Member

    thank you iloveyou. yeah its a difficult and complicated situation. i appreciate your support xx