A Tribute

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by rzph, Aug 12, 2010.

  1. rzph

    rzph New Member

    A once close friend of mine committed suicide roughly a month ago. Recently I've been found myself reflecting on that and the fact that another friend of mine seems to be really struggling with depression/self-harm right now. Guess that's why I found my way here.

    I had known that person since the last year of elementary school. Although she suffered from some family issues and personal medical conditions, she had a very gentle and caring personality. We became a couple in gr. 9 but she broke up with me in gr. 11. She said it was the best for the both of us and didn't say anything else. Perhaps it was because I was a 'stiff'/nerd or that I didn't have much time for her as I was working really hard towards my target uni. I guess I'll never know. We pretty much stopped talking after that and I had felt she was still angry with me in some way.

    On graduation day she just came up to me and gave me a hug and a smile. A real smile. In all the time I had known her, she had never really smiled. It was something indescribably beautiful. She told me it really did work out for the best and to never stop chasing my dreams. She ran out after that so I didn't have a good chance to talk to her. She had moved and didn't reply to any of my attempts to contact her. All I know after that is from some of her friends. She had decided not to pursue post-secondary education although she was quite bright and did get acceptances. It seems she also got into a string of volatile relationships with some 'bad eggs'.

    It's been more than 3 years since high school graduation. She never really talked much about herself to even the people closest to her and I really can't imagine what could have happened in those 3 years to have made her resort to 'it'. She was a gentle, nurturing person and I am saddened by her loss. I can't help but feel a little regretful too. I thought it was clear that she didn't want me in her life anymore but could things have been different? So if I had taken a page out of Hollywood and run after her on graduation and kept on nagging her until she talked to me... could I have helped point her in the right direction or even save her? Heck, I really don't know. Maybe it's just the alcohol. But what I do know is that the smile she gave me is permanently etched into my memory.

    So let this be another tribute to you. RIP. I won't forget how you made me a better, more determined person the time I was with you. Your smile gives me peace and strength. I will try reaching out more to my current bud. Hopefully by reading through these forums I will have gained some useful insight into these issues.
  2. lifelover

    lifelover Well-Known Member

    I´m sorry for your loss. I can relate to some things you said because my best friend killed himself and...he never gave any sign, he never said a word and the day before he commit suicide, i encountered him in the bus after almost a year since he left my school(the time that passed almost whitout seeing each other) and in the way home when we split up he smiled and say "Não penses muito nisso, he, adeus..."(don´t think a lot about it, he, goodbye). Hell i don´t really believe in fate but that moment i´ll never forget and makes me wonder...; life makes me wonder sometimes.
    The worst of it is, as things turned out to me, i can´t have any feelings and i barely can´t remember the times we spent together. Its some type of cruel and constant deja-vu try to think about him or try to remember the silly things we used to say in school, just we two together among hundreads of people, and don´t come up to nothing but emptiness. Makes me want to break something, get in the car and go to some place, anywhere...;
    Hope my english is not so fucked up and you can understand.
    Wish you the best.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think there is nothing one of us could of known or done to help if that is what the person wanted. I am sorry for your losses life is just so cruel to ones that are gentle and kind that is what i am finding really. take care
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss...I'm glad you got that lovely smile to remember forever...

    try not to beat yourself up about the what-ifs

    that's a perfectly normal part of grief after suicide but you have nothing to blame yourself for.....

    take care