A trick in getting through to those who hate themselves

Discussion in 'Strategies for Success' started by agwoodliffe, Feb 6, 2015.

  1. agwoodliffe

    agwoodliffe Active Member

    I understand we are all different, including reasons for choosing death. This post is directed to those who are fixated on self hate or bad social anxiety.
    When a person gives off this signal, people tend to respond in 2 ways:
    1. They say "don't be ridiculous" - but the person usually won't believe it
    2. They say nothing, which confirms even more in the persons mind that they are right about the self.

    What I suspect what would work best is this: agree with them with words; but then with actions (or body language), do the complete opposite.
    Get me?
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    If someone is saying bad things about themselves or engaging in negative self talk I can't agree that "agreeing with them with words" is a good strategy - I accept that people often don't believe it when people tell them that their negative self talk is wrong, but I do not see how agreeing with the bad things they tell themselves can possibly help.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I agree with Freya. Telling someone who hates themselves that you agree is not a good idea. It could be just the thing that pushes them over the edge.
  4. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    I think I get it ...

    And it might not be that stupid.

    Though a complete agreement isn't either the one way to everything.
    I think it depends on what that people say.

    But sometimes people hate themselves because they know something is wrong with the way they behove, not that they want to but that's just some mecanism that come instinctively.
    If it's somehow a bit true it's better to help them changing theirselves. Telling them they're nto crazy and that you will support them.

    Also I understand the reaction of Freya and OldBear you also have to be able to point out the positive sides and not let people imagine false negative sides. SOmetimes people tend to be hyper self depreciative.

    Right now I am ... but I know I am partly in fault.
    I have to find a place to let out that anger.
  5. agwoodliffe

    agwoodliffe Active Member

    Lets put it this way: my first girlfriend was convinced she was ugly, and it got her really depressed (she attempted suicide before I met her).
    And she once "slipped in" how she thought she was ugly.
    And if anyone understands the language of depression, it's me.
    So I immediately said: "yes you look like a fucking witch, and you should wear a bag over your head and I can't believe I ever was interested in you and you're so fat and pathetic and no one could ever love a freak like you and you might as well jump out a window as you'll never be attractive.."
    And then I immediately threw my arms around her and started kissing her all over.
    She bit me hard on the check as revenge, but it was worth it.

    And then.. towards the end of our relationship, she was saying how she could easily find another boyfriend if something happened to us, and how she liked certain things a out her appearance. Although it didn't work out with us, she has now found another guy, a good guy I think, and she is more content than ever.

    My point is: you have to force all the bad feelings out of their system, and then fill it with love.
    It's smart thinking.
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Its not smart thinking. I am glad that it did not end in disaster in this instance but saying those things to people who have serious issues with self esteem can be incredibly damaging. I do not care how you "show" that you "really meant the opposite" - there is a very real danger that the person will be left thinking that you said what you really think and were just faking the hug and kiss or whatever so you didn't seem like an abusive asshole.

    I strongly disagree with this "advice" - as someone who suffers from low self esteem myself; telling people the bad things they believe about themselves are true, however you may try to "counter" the words with opposing actions, is a horrible idea. And if you really care about someone, you support them and care for them, not take it upon yourself to "force all the bad feelings out" - you accept them as they are and support them in getting better - you don't FORCE anything.
  7. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

  8. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Lol, that story made my day. But I do hope you realize that even if this strategy benefited your GF, it could be devastating when applied to someone else. There is no one method of solution to one problem.
  9. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    I see where the original poster is coming from... but like in my instance, I am really looking for that validation that I am worthless and that my family would be better off without me. I am not exactly sure how I would react to that. It might be a shock to the system and I guess I could see it going either way. The only way I can describe these feelings and vocalizing them is that there are some mild delusional thinking going on at that time that progress to a mild OCD in which a person can not "clear" those thoughts out of their head. (again this is how it works with me). When I was first reading the original post, I thought it was going the direction of making the person that said they were ugly, repeat back that the statement was not true after the person that heard it said it was not true or it was "ridiculous". Pretty sure that in most instances it would not be enough to help but over time, who knows.
  10. Chadley

    Chadley Member

    I see the logic behind it, and it is an intriguing thought process, but doing this is an EXTREME roll of the dice, yes there is the possibility that agreeing may make the person a little angry and then with a little help from you realize that they say these things about themselves all the time, and yet they are upset when you say it, and there could be something of a revelation in there, but the more likely scenario is that said person takes you agreeing with them as reinforcement to their already very negative self view, this would be extremely damaging, just not worth that gamble imho.