a very close pen-friend tw death

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Yoyogirl86, Jun 21, 2016.

  1. Yoyogirl86

    Yoyogirl86 Well-Known Member

    Hi All,
    I was wondering if you can help me, a very close penfriend of mine sadly died on the 18th May this year and i am still shocked and getting over death has been really hard. Is this normal, I have tried not to think about but because of facebook she can be easily triggered, what can I do?

    If say one of my real life friends died, would it wrong to feel sad for an hour or so? I am not close to them even though i spent years at school together and i saw them on regular basis from the age 13 to 23. Am I mad to think that way. All I can say is that my friends in real life haven't been there for me when Ive been ill, they haven't reacted to my mental health problems, they haven't offered to take me shopping/go for a coffee. I have done the leg work my self and I am afraid if they died i wouldn't give a monkeys
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I am sorry for your loss. What about talking about it, letting out some of your feelings.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Yoyo. I'm sorry about your pen-friend. It's hard to lose someone who is dear to us. It takes a while to process grief, so a little over a month is not really all that long.

    I think liking and caring about someone can happen as pen-friends and in real life. If someone is kind and good to us in the given relationship, then we are likely to miss them a lot, whether we knew them as penpals, online or irl. People who hurt us and aren't there for us - as penpals, online or irl - raise questions in our minds about how we feel about them; would they care about us?; are they around when we need them?

    If your real life friends are not fulfilling the friendship relationship you have, maybe it's time to seek out people who are better matches. People who will give you time and caring the way you are willing to give them time and caring. Right now, looking at the past and the way people have treated you isn't moving you forward. It's keeping you stuck on the past. And thinking of that compared to how caring your other friend was, likely only makes you feel the loss of your friend even more.

    I expect you need to grieve the loss of your friend. Moving forward, maybe it could help if you ventured out to meet some other new people as well? Let us know how things go for you. Take care!
  4. Yoyogirl86

    Yoyogirl86 Well-Known Member

    Hi Acy

    I have tried to go out and meet new people however i am constantly under the fear that I am going to be taken for a ride again and my trust levels for people is very limited and it's like I am constantly overprotective of my mind and feelings, so I don't get hurt from them. It causes me a lot of anxiety and stress, as i am constantly worrying will be taken for a fool again and it makes me feel very emotionally flat like i don't enjoy other peoples company. I have tried so many times to get out of the house and go to the art therapy group, the mental health group and meet people.

    In the end i just think, why bother putting myself through another activity i don't enjoy/experience pleasure from and I hide away at home where I emotionally feel safe. My online friends mean a lot to me and I even notice how chatty I am with them and I treat them like my best friend I have never had. So I've cut my real friends out of my life.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Yoyo. I understand that it feels risky irl...It does for a lot of us. The anxiety often decreases as we get more used to going out and trying things.

    When I have to try new stuff and put myself out there to meet others, I try to remind myself: It's one event, not my whole life; if this time doesn't work, it's as much about the nature of the people I meet as it is about who I am; one event doesn't mean EVERY event will turn out the same way; the more people I meet over the long term, the higher the chances of meeting some people I like and who like me back (and if I sit alone at home instead, I KNOW I will meet no one new).

    Perhaps you need a bit more time doing some nice things just for yourself and building your confidence before you specifically set out to meet new people. Things like interest courses, sports (e.g., tennis class, running club), can be places where you are doing something for yourself and also get the added bonus that you might meet people, but that isn't the sole purpose of going. Maybe that's an option for now?

    Nothing has to be a final decision when we are trying out new things. There are some very lovely folks in the world. Unfortunately, I think you haven't met many of them yet. I still hold out hope for you!
    Keep us posted. I hope you do get out and start to meet people.
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Your pen friend was a true friend to you. You are bound to experience grief and sadness at her loss. This is perfectly natural. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize. Something else to keep in mind is that everyone grieves differently. So don't let anyone tell you you are doing it wrong. If the sense of loss remains as strong 6 or so months from now, you might want to seek counseling, but for now, just listen to your heart and mourn the loss you have had. She was special to you.