A vicious circle

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scribble, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. Scribble

    Scribble New Member

    Ok, so I lied. Maybe my first post here will just be a full on rant. Which I guess is fine by me.

    I've needed somewhere to just anonymously write stuff for quite some time. I'm sick of keeping a brave face and coping through everything just so everyone around me feels a bit better about themselves. Blah blah, me me me. See even when I'm just trying to let off some steam I read back at my writing and feel so self absorbed. Paradoxical paragraph, I know.

    I used to write here many moons ago and then convinced myself I was doing better. And, outwardly, I am. I have the great job, the flat, the fiance and bloody wedding to plan, but inside I know that I've never changed. I've always been this hollow, depressed, borderline personality weirdo. I've just kept myself busy over the last few years.

    Inwardly, however, I'm crumbling, a mix of anxiety, misery and utter fury at the fact that things never get better. The days blur into one. Why am I even around?

    It's a running joke between my other half and me that I literally am good at nothing. Average. Not musical, sporty, clever enough, no talents. I can do things 'okay' and that's an achievement.

    So one starts to wonder why they are sticking around. Nobody needs me. In fact, using my wonderful Logical Brain - how twisted the one thing that should help makes you over analyse everything - tells me that actually, for every fucked up situation in my life there's been one common denominator. Me.

    Logical Brain tries to tell me that Depressive Brain is utilising the fact that these things I have been through, the illness, everything that has happened to me does not mean they were my fault. But I can't deny the clarity of hindsight and just how many times I've fucked up. I remember everything.

    I keep pushing and pushing and pushing and I'm running out of road. I'm so tired. Nothing really changes. I'm still living with these disorders, been through years of medication and therapy... yet at best I'm averaging life. Not really encouraging to think I have another sixty years of struggling to get through.

    I have a much shorter temper these days than I used to as well, and I struggle to not snap at those closest to me. Sometimes I get furious at imagined situations. A lot of times.

    But, nature of the beast, I'm furious at myself for snapping because they'll leave me. It's happening already, friends distance themselves, family too. And I literally can't see what I'm doing wrong. I try to be logical and realise we all work long, strange hours and have busy lives... but then you start to doubt.

    More later.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Firstly, welcome to the forum. You have the whole of your future ahead of you but you have to remain calm. I am only assuming that the pressure of the wedding planning is having a great toll on you. You are no different to others who come to a crisis in their life. You question yourself about everything but life is important and so are YOU.

    Yes, you have the things in life that others want but you are not satisfied yourself. I'm glad you joined the forum as it will help you in your current struggle. Please remain clam (sorry if I have made you angry) as your partner does not need to see the frustration you suffer. Is there any other way you can channel your anger such as boxing or sport. This will help you. Alternative take up meditation such as yoga.

    Perhaps speaking to a therapist will help you in finding strategies that will help you with anger you feel such as CBT. You are apt a key stage of your life and it's understandable you feel the pressures. You are not different to others as in life people are experiencing pressures. You need to remember that some days are going to be good and others are going to be bad. It's about dealing with life on a daily basis. Some days are going to be good and others are going to be bad.

    It might be worth taking some time and going somewhere quiet for a couple of days just for tranquility and peace of mind. Yes, you will come back from the break and everything will be the same. Others here struggle and like you post here. Please keep posting here , does not matter how long or short, as it will help you in your current crisis.

    Remember one thing, you posted here and that took a lot of courage. So be please proud of that as other people who suffer just keep it bottled up. Be safe and take care.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2015
  3. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    It's good that you came here.
    And you are right. SOmetimes you can have 'everything' but it is nothing.

    I think what you say is so very true and important.
    Being happy could be a lot of things but it has to make sens to you and for you.
    To be able to be there and enjoy life, you first have to learn to be fine on your own, with yourself.

    The people around you are immportant and precious and everything you've done has also its meaning.
    But you have to be able to enjoy it.

    I don't mean you should throw away everything.
    And maybe unkwon also point out something true : the wedding might be very stressful. Especially for people (like us?) with sensitive feelings, we are very careful with the meaning of engagement.

    But I think you might need some 'selfish' time for you, with you. To feel simple easy things. even stupid things. With no one expecting you to behave, with no pressure you would put on yourself to be social, to be great, to act nice, to achieve, to aim ...

    Just be a simple normal and very wonderful you.

    Pets also help with that. They don't expect anything from you but that doesn't mean you're worthless ...
    ANd they're probably more sane being than humans.

    Trust yourself and cut you some slack
    Be sad, be happy and don't try to hard. You can relax sometimes.

    Anyway take care !