A vicious cycle - hopelessness

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Caster, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here; I've been reading over a lot of stuff on these forums over the past several days though.

    I'm not sure whether this qualifies for the substance abuse forum more, or the rape abuse forum. Anyways, I guess it could go in each so I'll just share here. Please keep in my mind I don't mean to complain or have it sound like I'm whining about minute stuff.

    I've been sexually abused off and on from the time I was 13 to 15 and then again at 22. Many of the details are blurry, I think I blocked a lot of it out. But everynight it's nightmare after nightmare and I feel completely hopeless. I've been diagnosed with PTSD by 3 different mental health professionals. Needless to say, I've been drinking heavily, probably an alcholic, since I turned 21.

    Everyday I think about suicide, but I feel I can't reach out to anyone because on the outside everyone thinks I'm perfect. Not to brag, but I graduated from a top 10 school in the country as a Valedictorian and a member of Phi Beta Kappa with a major in biology and minors in psychology and genetics. I'd rather not disclose the name of the college. This just makes me feel even more hopeless to reaching out because everyone would just say you have it made and scold me for being suicidal. But that's just the outside....

    On the inside, I rarely make it a day without breaking down in tears. Everytime people tell me I have such a bright future I fight back tears because they have no idea what I'm really going through. I haven't had a girlfriend in 9 years, and I'm 24 now. Sure I've had random hook ups when I was drunk but that's it. It's just really been weighing on me. I also have no friends, and feel estranged from my family. I literally have no one except my psychologist, who I only get to see once a month. I can't help but feel extremely hopeless and helpless about the future.

    There's a lot more I haven't disclosed, but I don't want to drone on and on. I'm working a job I just started and even though I'm around people during the day I still feel completely alone. I guess I thought sharing this might help me feel better, and perhaps someone has been through a similar situation and has advice to offer. I really don't mean to complain....I'm just typing what I feel, which is guilty and ashamed.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this. That's all I have to share.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Caster and welcome...for years I felt if ppl actually knew who I was, they would never accept me...like yourself, acccomplished and it did to mean anything to me because I felt so estranged from my life...I was the only one who did not enjoy my successes...and felt like ppl were referring to someone else when complimented...I found that finding one close intimate who I could begin to tell my story to really helped get me out of the shadows...I now can disclose what happened to me and how I feel with considerably less shame...hope this helps and please PM me if I can be there for you...welcome again, J
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here.

    Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I too suffered sexual abuse by all different offenders. It was seriously as if I had an invisible rape me sign on my forehead. I too began drinking and drugs for that matter. I did it for yrs, but finally grew sick of the problems they made of my life. They got pretty big! I finally decided it wasnt worth all of it, and gave it all up gladly. Never looked back. After my head began to clear I came to accept Im not the one messed up those that hurt me were. Because of how I was treated hardly made it truth. Im a good person whos had some horrible things happen, and consequently made poor choices. I said screw them its my life, and have taken my life back. It was never theirs for the taking. It took many yrs for me to get here. I share this in hopes that you may realize sooner than later that you (&others) deserve the same, and hope youll realize and accept this sooner than it happened for me. Best wishes.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are here so you can get the support you need okay. Your not alone now we are listening so please when ready take time to let go of some of that sadness and pain maybe try to end that feeling of hopelessness
  5. Miligram

    Miligram Member

    I'm glad you've joined this forum.I can not help u cause i never experienced what u have,but i am sure here are a lot people that will help u with similar storys....
  6. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    Sadeyes, thank you for your help. That makes complete sense when you say it helps to have one intimate friend who you can can begin to talk to. I've heard that before, but it's harder being a guy and I feel sexual abuse to guys is more stigmatized in society. But maybe I'm wrong. I guess I also find it hard to disclose a little bit of information because everything bad that has happened is linked together in some way, shape, or form. I actually dropped out of school for a semester because my drinking became uncontrollable (withdrew before it began I mean) and the following 4 months were horrible. Everyone asking why I wasn't in school and whatnot; I rarely left the house. Obviously I made up BS lies but it just feels like some people are too nosy and if they get wind of something really serious or bad then they run for the hills. I've had this happen a few times already actually. Perhaps they were the wrong people to disclose anything to. And like a lot of people, I do have major trust issues, even with my own parents.

    Rhinolady, thanks for your help too. That's the other thing. I've had a lot of periods of crashing and burning and then landing back on my feet only to have my life crumble before me once again. I understand what you mean about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to, but it's almost harder to live life without numbing.

    Once again I appreciate your guys help and it's nice to know I'm not completely alone in this situation.
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