Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here; I've been reading over a lot of stuff on these forums over the past several days though. I'm not sure whether this qualifies for the substance abuse forum more, or the rape abuse forum. Anyways, I guess it could go in each so I'll just share here. Please keep in my mind I don't mean to complain or have it sound like I'm whining about minute stuff. I've been sexually abused off and on from the time I was 13 to 15 and then again at 22. Many of the details are blurry, I think I blocked a lot of it out. But everynight it's nightmare after nightmare and I feel completely hopeless. I've been diagnosed with PTSD by 3 different mental health professionals. Needless to say, I've been drinking heavily, probably an alcholic, since I turned 21. Everyday I think about suicide, but I feel I can't reach out to anyone because on the outside everyone thinks I'm perfect. Not to brag, but I graduated from a top 10 school in the country as a Valedictorian and a member of Phi Beta Kappa with a major in biology and minors in psychology and genetics. I'd rather not disclose the name of the college. This just makes me feel even more hopeless to reaching out because everyone would just say you have it made and scold me for being suicidal. But that's just the outside.... On the inside, I rarely make it a day without breaking down in tears. Everytime people tell me I have such a bright future I fight back tears because they have no idea what I'm really going through. I haven't had a girlfriend in 9 years, and I'm 24 now. Sure I've had random hook ups when I was drunk but that's it. It's just really been weighing on me. I also have no friends, and feel estranged from my family. I literally have no one except my psychologist, who I only get to see once a month. I can't help but feel extremely hopeless and helpless about the future. There's a lot more I haven't disclosed, but I don't want to drone on and on. I'm working a job I just started and even though I'm around people during the day I still feel completely alone. I guess I thought sharing this might help me feel better, and perhaps someone has been through a similar situation and has advice to offer. I really don't mean to complain....I'm just typing what I feel, which is guilty and ashamed. Thanks for taking the time to read this. That's all I have to share.