A Vision of Jesus

[ArborrealArthur]

This morning I consumed more coffee than I've ever had in my entire life (two full pots) which was followed up by MSG-soaked Chinese leftovers and a dozen microwaveable burritos. These were the extra spicy brand which are 20% off when purchased in bulk with a Costco membership. It was roughly 30 minutes later in the bathroom when I was humbled by a religious experience of godly proportions. Frozen in mid-wipe, I was overcome by an intuitive, if not morbid curiosity to examine my handiwork. Stealing a guilty peek into the bowl, I was surprised to find the face of Christ smiling up at me. While his complexion was darker than normally portrayed, it was undeniably the Prince of Peace himself.

I've long since captured the evidence on my digital camera, though I believe this miracle is best experienced in person. I'm currently in the process of converting the entire apartment into a Biblical Museum with my bathroom as the main exhibit. The public entrance fee is yet to be determined, though I'm taking this opportunity to extend a free invitation to all SF members wishing to partake in the museum's debut party. Just a heads up - the parking here is limited, so make your reservations early. Volunteer Doorman is still needed, reply here if interested in the position. Thanks.

 

[~Claire]

I think I will be otherwise engaged that night but thanks for putting a much needed smile on my face.

 

[Esmeralda]

Offensive AND stupid. Way to go.

 

[AlexDanish]

Offensive AND stupid. Way to go.

Your sense of humor must have died with the parachute pants.

 

[ArborrealArthur]

I'm currently in talks to schedule R. David Pogge as a guest of honor at the debut. Your prayers (and donations: I accept PayPal) are warmly welcomed. I'll keep you posted.

 

[Esmeralda]

Your sense of humor must have died with the parachute pants.

And yours must have matured around the age of 3 when toilet humor was considered incisive and amusing.

 

[AlexDanish]

And yours must have matured around the age of 3 when toilet humor was considered incisive and amusing.

Incisive? If you're going to utilize your cute little prodigious lexicon, I suggest you choose from a different, more suitable repertoire of words.

Also, no need to be so butt hurt, hun :wink: Just a casual passing comment

 

[ArborrealArthur]

Dear Anastasia,

I'm awfully sorry that something I coughed up during lunch break failed to meet your standards. (is this SuicideForum or McSweeney's?) Of all people, certainly you were the one I'd aimed to please most with this lovely gem. If only evolution wasn't a fairy tale, perhaps my sense of humor could finally evolve. Regardless, I plan to study your masterpieces for new inspiration. I hope you'll accept my apology, your highness.

God Bless!

Love,
ArborrealArthur

P.S. I've kind of given up on the museum idea for now. While cleaning up my apartment I found an old stash of marijuana and a couple Stephen C. Meyer books. Preoccupied with these treasures, I'll have to postpone all productive activities for at least a week.

 

[Esmeralda]

Incisive? If you're going to utilize your cute little prodigious lexicon, I suggest you choose from a different, more suitable repertoire of words.

Also, no need to be so butt hurt, hun :wink: Just a casual passing comment

What's wrong with the word incisive in this context exactly? It refers to "keenness of thought, expression, or intellect", which is exactly what I intended to convey with my sarcastic little comment, see, because toilet humor is actually NONE of those things, except possibly to a 3rd grader...nevermind. :rolleyes:

 

[Esmeralda]

Dear Anastasia,

I'm awfully sorry that something I coughed up during lunch break failed to meet your standards. (is this SuicideForum or McSweeney's?) Of all people, certainly you were the one I'd aimed to please most with this lovely gem. If only evolution wasn't a fairy tale, perhaps my sense of humor could finally evolve. Regardless, I plan to study your masterpieces for new inspiration. I hope you'll accept my apology, your highness.

God Bless!

Love,
ArborrealArthur

P.S. I've kind of given up on the museum idea for now. While cleaning up my apartment I found an old stash of marijuana and a couple Stephen C. Meyer books. Preoccupied with these treasures, I'll have to postpone all productive activities for at least a week.

Oh please. You knew what you were writing when you wrote it and you knew it was offensive to a good portion of the population and that it was also horribly disgusting as well. I'm mostly shocked that so many people here actually found it amusing at all. :huh:

 

[ArborrealArthur]

I understand what you're saying. I'll be extra friendly in my posts for now on. Mainly because I'm a good-natured person, and I know that we need more positive things in this world (Ghost Hunters, anti-establishment blogs, Lyndon LaRouche) and less bad things (NWO, my landlord, and grumpy, know-it-all Science Professors). It's a scary world. Sometimes I feel like the entire human race is coming after me, that there's someone behind my shoulder at every turn. The last time I got this feeling was when I participated in the British 5k London Run. But honestly, my spider sense detects evil. I'm meant to become a hero, not unlike agent Neil Agar from Invasion of the Bee Girls. Why must I shoulder such a burden? This is the question I ask myself every night, my eyes flooding with tears, because those spicy burritos I mentioned earlier burn like hell. Yet I'm powerless to resist them.

 

[Esmeralda]

My spidey sense only detects pizza.