A vomit of insecurities

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by lordsalisbury, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Because I really like venting on this site, everyone is so unjudgemental, this is just going to be a vomit about my insecurities. So to warn you - don’t read on if you’re uncomfortable with a grown man whining. Doesn’t even matter to me if no-one reads it, it’s still cathartic for me.

    I used to think I was a monster. Uglier than the Elephant man. I’m too tall, had bad skin, glasses, and I dressed terribly. I was skinny and shaved my head, I looked like a drug addict. I spent some years in my 20s caring for a sick relative, so that was my excuse for making no effort (and it was just an excuse). There doesn’t exist a photo of me from my teens or 20s, because I wouldn’t allow it. Although I was convinced I was hideous, I did get some interest from girls - I can’t remember how I squared that particular circle in my head, but I did.

    Then I got my skin cleared up, I ditched the glasses, grew my hair, and got some decent clothes. I am now slightly more comfortable with my appearance. When I lived in London, on 3 separate occasions I was mistaken for an actor called Matthew MacFaden (me neither, I had to google him), and that boosted my ego a bit.

    I’ve never had a ‘proper’ adult relationship, with anyone. I’m not a virgin, I’ve had sexual encounters, but I’m not keen on the casual ‘wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am’ type of deal. Idk, I don’t like living with other people either, I always feel like I’m getting on their nerves after a while. I guess I run away if people get too close to me. Maybe I have rejection issues.

    I have been out with friends trying to meet women, and I always get nice reactions from girls I talk to…….but I always wanted to leave after an hour and go home and hide. The kindness and tolerance of strangers is amazing to me. That a guy like me can just walk up to a beautiful woman and start talking to her, and they NEVER just tell you to eff off! If I ever have a son (which I won’t), that’s one piece of wisdom I’d want to pass on.

    The compliment I seem to get most often is that I’m “cute” (I think this has more connotations of sexual attractiveness in American English, in British English it kinda means “pleasant in an innocent way”). I never know how to take this. I used to know a girl who would tell me I was cute all the time, and once I jokingly replied, “I’m not cute, I’m dangerous and sexy - ‘cute’ makes me sound like I’m a kitten”, and she laughed, and said that I AM like a kitten! I suppose that’s a compliment of sorts, lol, but I doubt James Bond ever gets compared to a kitten.

    You know that brilliant Groucho Marx quote “I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member”, that’s kinda how I feel about relationships. Any girl I would want deserves someone way better than me, and that’s not me being hard on myself, it’s just a fact, I have high standards, any girl I like could easily find ten guys better than me.

    I gave up on ever having a fulfilling relationship with a woman a few years ago. I don’t even pretend to try anymore. I used to think I might be gay, even though I’m only ever romantically and sexually attracted to women. Maybe I am gay, and have repressed it even from myself, lol.

    Another stupid thing I’m insecure about – my eyes. I have really stark green eyes. Pretty much everyone I have ever met comments on them. It seems to fall about 50/50 between people who think they’re attractive and people who think they’re “creepy”. For a shy guy like me, I’m wary of making eye contact with anyone, and always if I make eye-contact with a stranger, they do that double-take of “ooo, his eyes are freaky.” I even looked into surgical options, but didn’t want someone cutting on my eyeball.

    I know a guy my age should have got over this teenage insecure bullshit years ago, but I never have. I’m still almost as shy as I always was.

    Vomit over :)
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    LOL!! Can't help thinking LS that if I was single and 35 years younger, I'd ask for your phone number :) I adore green eyes, (my husband's are a little bit green/mainly hazel).... guess the next step is to google Matthew :)

    ...... who hubby slightly resembles too, lol!!
  3. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    Lol, thanks, unfortunately I think we'd fall out when it came to spiritual issues.......

    Seriously, there's green and there's green, I had to have my photo taken for my passport recently, and even when I look at the picture I'm like, "damn, my eyes ARE eerie......"
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I had the standard green eyes, red hair...got called Foxy a lot, which I thought was nice (I like foxes) till someone told me the connotations attached. :laugh:

    Don't worry they fade with age :eek:hmy:
    My eyes are still green but not the "smack you in the face" they used to be.
    Kind of miss the impact they used to have :unsure:

    Always had loads of dates, but kind of like my own space and company.
    Did the whole married thing, my second hubby was the love of my life, something I actually thought I was incapable of.
    HE buggered off for a younger model, taking my heart with him :sad: but it doesnt have to be like that.
    One day someone will creep up on you, probably when you are least looking for a relationship and before you know it you'll be hooked.
    Just don't trade her in for a newer model.