A Walk To The River And A Call To 911

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Julia-C, Aug 15, 2011.

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  1. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I live in Kentucky within walking distance of the Ohio River. About 2 miles from where I live is the "locks of the ohio". Basically it is a water based elevator system for barges, ships, and large boats that can't handle the rapids. I walked there this morning since it was cool outside. While standing on a walk path that goes to the locks I wondered how long it would take me to drown if I jumped in and the huge water tunnels that allow water to flow into the locks sucked me under. A logical person would first hope they wouldn't fall in and if they did fall in they would hope someone would save them before they die, and if they do die they would hope it would be quick. I was pretty much the opposite. I didn't want to jump, but I wished I would have tripped and fell in. I further hoped that no one would see me fall in so that the suction from the water flow through the tunnels would keep me helplessly trapped under the surface of the water where I would slowly die.

    Don't worry, I'm not going to jump or trip and fall. It was just a random thought that I am sharing.

    Last week I had to call 911 on myself so that I wouldn't ???? When the cops got there they asked me if I had any weapons in the house. I told them I did. They took my (rhymes with fun) away. I also had a concealed carry permit that has temporarily been revoked. I have to go to court Tuesday to have it reinstated. I have to have that so that I can carry my (rhymes with fun) with me so that I feel safe.

    The worst thing about that night is that they had to put me in handcuffs. Not because I was being combative, threatening to hurt people, or myself, but because it is their policy. I haven't felt so helpless in 20 years. I cried, I shook, I panicked, and felt like things were going to happen to me. The kind of things that happened to me 20 years ago. It has been 5 days and I am still trying to feel safe. I can't wait till court is over with so that I can get my (rhymes with fun) back and feel safe.

    Yes I am going nuts.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are home now hun we are all a little crazy hun it would be boring if we werent I hope the court case is over quickly hugs
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Julia! :hug:

    I've been handcuffed in a similar situation. It is just policy here as well, only until the police don't think you will resist or act up. You're not going nuts.

    :arms: Good luck at your court date. Tell us how it goes. ;)
  4. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Very true, but it might be a bit more peaceful. It's not really a court case, just a paperwork deal where I have to turn in paperwork showing that I have sought counseling. It's understandable. I wouldn't want a mentally unstable person carrying one of those around either. I know I am no threat to others, but they want me to prove it.

    Handcuffs suck. One bad thing about it was that the cop could tell that I was getting very anxious while I was cuffed. He didn't know why, he just assumed it was because of the thoughts of self-harm I was having. I asked him several times if he would take them off but he said he was worried that I would try something. I told him that if I really wanted to I would have done so before he arrived. I didn't want to tell him the real reasons I was so scared to be wearing them. He finally did put my hands in front of me as oppose to behind my back. It only helped a little.

    The state provided counselor said she was going to try and find me a counselor who is experienced with what I have been through. I didn't tell her much about what happened to me.

    Thanks for listening guys.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I hope all works out for you Julia..It is a scarrey world we live in now adays
    Make sure you see the couselar right away and don't wait till the last minute.. Paperwork does get lost..
  6. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I'm sure it will. I didn't do anything illegal. I have an appointment with the suggested counselor in 5 hrs.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hope your appointment goes well...J
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I've been in handcuffs a few times.

    You get over it Julia C - really - you'll forget about in a few days.

    As for the 'fun' - I understand you there. I wish I had one myself - I keep saying you can be a peaceful guy and own a gun - but in the UK we are supposed to sit back let someone take the TV and make them a cup of tea and arrest ourselves!

    That level of safety- I guess every woman should have it.

    Do hope all goes well and you get your 'fun' back.

    Yes. I've looked at rivers, canals, the sea, ocean, locks, ships and so on.

    Hope I can keep the darkness at bay but I think I can.

    Anyhow best wishes Julia C - you done a lot of caring for others and I do hope it comes back to you - it will eventually!

  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    The police should not have even been there. The ambulance should have picked you up and taken you to the hospital. I can't believe they put you, or any of the rest of you, in handcuffs, that's not right. I was in a wreck after a suicide attempt, and the police came, but I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. We are pretty close to where we live. I just cannot believe they treated you that way..

    Having a suicidal thought and being able to control it is very courageous. Most of us in your shoes wouldn't have bothered calling 911. I'm very proud of you for doing that.. Asking for help instead of acting on my thoughts was part of my first steps into getting over being suicidal.
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Oh my heart goes out to you, that must have been very traumatizing for you. I'm hoping you can find a good counselor.

    Thoughts are with you.
  11. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hmm... I've been put in handcuffs in a situation like Julia's only until the ambulance arrived to bring me to the hospital. However, Julia did mention that she did not threaten to hurt herself in said situation.. Maybe that's why she was not brought to the hospital for further evaluation? I don't know..
  12. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Thank you. It went okay.
    The "fun" is my security blanket.
    The reason why the police were there was becuase when I called 911 they asked me if I had any weapons. I told them I had a "rhymes with fun". The cops were being over cautious. I don't like what they did, but I have to keep in mind that the cops aren't mind readers and they have no idea what my intentions are. Being that they knew I had/have a concealed carry permit they also know I have taken training courses on how to properly use my "rhymes with fun" and as a result their first priority is to secure the "rhymes with fun" and me so that no one gets hurt. Like I said I don't like that they put me in cuffs but I understand why they did it.
    I talked with a crisis counselor that night for a few hours. Mostly it was the "20 questions" game on steroids. I talked again with her today. She knows the gist of what happened to me years ago.

    It was scary.
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Glad it went fairly well and I hope they gave you some follow-up options..when I have felt like it seems you, I made a support circle for myself, a group of ppl who truly understood what I was going through, and who I could call upon...please include me if you can do this for yourself...you are so bright and talented, and do not deserve to have to pay for the crimes of others (which I truly understand as well), with much caring...J
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