A wasted life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ruined123, Oct 8, 2015.

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  1. ruined123

    ruined123 Member

    I'm just tired of life. It's only suffering. I've been depressed for the largest part of my life (I'm 26 now), and that coupled with social phobia/social avoidance and marijuana use for the last 5 years has helped me reach a point of no return. I'm unemployed for a long time (3+ years), graduated in something I dislike and can't stand working with, and I don't have any friends or acquaintances left. I burned all my bridges. I'm deeply afraid of getting a job, i have no work record, only internships, and i forgot all i learned in college. I have two possibilities regarding employement: work in the area in which i graduated, which i hate and have no skills (I just can't do the work, and it would be impossible to get a job with my crappy resume), or work McDonald's type of jobs, or janitorial stuff.
    I live with my parents as a leach, I have no income and my relationship with them is not good. They are very problematic people on their own terms. I live like a recluse, only leaving the house for therapy, and I'm afraid of being seen by people because of my situation. I'm deeply ashamed of who I am.
    I started volunteering but I didn't do any of the work I was supposed to because I was unmotivated, so it's just more bridges burned with a whole new group of people. I just can't get out of bed and the social interaction is too much for me.
    I could try sorting my life out, trying to work, but I'm too depressed. I'd rather just die because I already destroyed my possibilities of having a decent life. I can't see a good future for me, I can't see how I could live normally, with a job I don't hate and without the constant feeling of anxiety, fear and inferiority brought by being around other people. My social phobia is pretty bad, I can never relax around people, I never know what to say, I have nothing interesting to say and I make most people uncomfortable with my presence. I'm just unable to relate to people.
    I used to have a girlfriend but she left me. I was in a different mindset when i met her and not so screwed up as I am now. I can see that was the last relationship in my life, as now everything is too messed up. No sane woman would want my company.
    I spend most days in bed thinking about suicide. It's the only thought that brings me comfort. I think about different ways I could do it, and I feel I'm getting closer to getting the courage to finally end this hell called life. I think of it everyday, sometimes for hours in a row. I have a very simple plan to do it, actually.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I could have written what you have wrote, I have severe social phobia, it is so hard to get out and meet new people, I am 26, living at home and never had a real job. I did work in our family business when no one was around just cleaning and i volunteered and liked that. I think therapy might help you a lot. I am starting DBT next month, im excited and scared. PLEASE see your doctor if you can because no matter how bad you feel one does not have to suffer in silence. You can do this. If I can, you can. I lived as a complete recluse for 5 years but thats in the past now. Please, talk to someone. And also welcome to the site!
     
  3. ruined123

    ruined123 Member

    Thanks for the welcome and for your reply, Petal. Means a lot to me. I'm already seeing a psychologist and I'm always changing my psychiatrist.
    I'm happy you are better now than you were in the past. I just get worse every day. My biggest mistake was getting so hooked on marijuana some years ago and using it so much that it probably messed up my brain. I'm completely lost, no motivation for anything. I destroyed all my possibilities regarding college and stayed unemployed for too long, which is unacceptable for a man. I also screwed up recently on my volunteering, let people down, and I feel awful for doing so. Both because I made their work harder and because I just burned even more bridges. I live in a town where everyone knows each other and there are no bridges left to burn. No escape anymore, I ruined everything I could have ruined
     
  4. ruined123

    ruined123 Member

    Thanks for the welcome and for your reply, Petal. Means a lot to me. I'm already seeing a psychologist and I'm always changing my psychiatrist.
    I'm happy you are better now than you were in the past. I just get worse every day. My biggest mistake was getting so hooked on marijuana some years ago and using it so much that it probably messed up my brain. I'm completely lost, no motivation for anything. I destroyed all my possibilities regarding college and stayed unemployed for too long, which is unacceptable for a man. I also screwed up recently on my volunteering, let people down, and I feel awful for doing so. Both because I made their work harder and because I just burned even more bridges. I live in a town where everyone knows each other and there are no bridges left to burn. No escape anymore, I ruined everything I could have ruined
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    wow @ '' live in a town where everyone knows each other and there are no bridges left to burn. ''

    I live in a town with a population of only 2k and I accused a man of rape because he did and the justice system completely let me down and I feel publicly humiliated, I hate going outside, I have been pondering for the last 2 hours wanting to to the shop which is a stone throw away from me but no I won't and did not go. Sorry I am rambling now, i've no motivation for anything, having a shower is big deal to me at this stage.

    I have used marijuana very little in my life, just dumb times when I was younger, it made me paranoid and scared so I am not surprised at all that you feel the way you do. JUST FOR FUTURE REFERENCE- You can talk about drugs here just not encourage the use of them. Drugs are evil, spell it backwards ;)

    I really think you should talk to the psych about your issues with marijuana, how you can come off of it and how you can come off it safely. Please do that. Also try volunteering again. Do you have friends? Are your family supportive, do they know you are depressed? do they treat you well?

    May I ask why you are always changing your psychiatrist? Having the same one is great so they can assess your improvement and you can make a relationship with them. I do care about how you are feeling and wish I could take your pain away. And you are welcome!! :)
     
  6. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    maybe you need ADD meds? one of the side effects of stimulants i've noticed is being more self-confident around people.

    there are a lot of drugs out there that can be used to treat cognitive problems. maybe you just need "glasses", so to speak
     
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