A Weird Thing Happened

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GirlintheMask, Jun 26, 2015.

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  1. GirlintheMask

    GirlintheMask New Member

    So, I had been really suicidal for weeks. I had made a plan and was ready to carry it out in the next two days. I went to school and didn't hand in an assignment I was already done, so the teacher would have less marking and to motivate me more towards suicide as I am a perfectionist. Then, I wasn't going to attend the exam the following day because it's pretty worthless if you are going to be dead anyway. So, I was struggling as I really wanted to tell someone, but I thought that if I did, it would mean I was just faking it and not going to do it all along or just be an attention hog. Anyway, after school I had a group therapy session which I was going to skip, but then decided not to since I was unable to phone them and tell them that I wasn't going to be there. So I went and we did gratitude (where I expressed gratefulness for my bike), talked about goal setting, but the most important thing that someone cried while discussing her chronic pain. I was still feeling suicidal after it was over and wondered if I should tell the therapists as they had said in the guidelines to inform them if we were thinking of harming ourselves. Anyway, I didn't and clammed up in fear, walking really slowly to my bike. I walked my bike part way to the bus stop, but then thought I would miss the bus so got on my bike. The instant I did, I thought killing myself would be crazy. It was like I was so lucky to be able to ride my bike or something. I had suicidal songs stuck in my head, but they no longer felt personal. As much as I forced suicide into my head, I couldn't feel like doing anything like that anymore. Instantly, I was already thinking how to fix everything, meaning just handing in the assignment, studying and calling my therapist. Well, I thought that the suicidal thoughts had been coming about because of recently going off a medication and so when I was in this ecstatic mood, my life was more important than little side effects (because I thought that getting fat was worse than my life). Though today I see that I haven't been dependent on it the whole time and that I can get by without it.

    It was mainly weird because I have had suicidal thoughts before and the only thing that has ever stopped them was medication and this time it was like magic; an instant reaction. Though I am freaked that it will just be some tiny thing that will set it off again.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    That is quite an amazing experience you went through, magical even lol!! But good of course. Whatever that was it has helped you and that's all that matters, have you done the assignment, still feeling good? I'm delighted to read some good news on here (that's rare here these days lol) I think you should keep it up if you can!

    Best of luck to you :)
  3. Live_life

    Live_life Member

    Hi there,

    We all have negative thoughts. Some worse than others. But we have to realise that these thoughts are completely irrational. They are just a way of making us self destruct. But then we also have a positive side to us and it looks like in you the positive side is getting stronger and soon you will conquer the negative thoughts.

    Whenever you get negative thoughts then counteract it with positives. Think of how lucky you are. You have a wonderful home, education a family food and drink whenever you need and want it. You can get what you want and need. Most people don't have any of these things. So we need to realise how lucky we really are. We have more than most people. But we should make time to appreciate what we have.

    So when you get negative thoughts then disregard them as they don't make any sense. You have everything to live for so concentrate on what you have not what you don't have.
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