So, I had been really suicidal for weeks. I had made a plan and was ready to carry it out in the next two days. I went to school and didn't hand in an assignment I was already done, so the teacher would have less marking and to motivate me more towards suicide as I am a perfectionist. Then, I wasn't going to attend the exam the following day because it's pretty worthless if you are going to be dead anyway. So, I was struggling as I really wanted to tell someone, but I thought that if I did, it would mean I was just faking it and not going to do it all along or just be an attention hog. Anyway, after school I had a group therapy session which I was going to skip, but then decided not to since I was unable to phone them and tell them that I wasn't going to be there. So I went and we did gratitude (where I expressed gratefulness for my bike), talked about goal setting, but the most important thing that someone cried while discussing her chronic pain. I was still feeling suicidal after it was over and wondered if I should tell the therapists as they had said in the guidelines to inform them if we were thinking of harming ourselves. Anyway, I didn't and clammed up in fear, walking really slowly to my bike. I walked my bike part way to the bus stop, but then thought I would miss the bus so got on my bike. The instant I did, I thought killing myself would be crazy. It was like I was so lucky to be able to ride my bike or something. I had suicidal songs stuck in my head, but they no longer felt personal. As much as I forced suicide into my head, I couldn't feel like doing anything like that anymore. Instantly, I was already thinking how to fix everything, meaning just handing in the assignment, studying and calling my therapist. Well, I thought that the suicidal thoughts had been coming about because of recently going off a medication and so when I was in this ecstatic mood, my life was more important than little side effects (because I thought that getting fat was worse than my life). Though today I see that I haven't been dependent on it the whole time and that I can get by without it. It was mainly weird because I have had suicidal thoughts before and the only thing that has ever stopped them was medication and this time it was like magic; an instant reaction. Though I am freaked that it will just be some tiny thing that will set it off again.