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A whole year.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jenniferelaine, Mar 28, 2010.

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  1. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    It's almost been a year since the break up. I've endangered my job to the point that I seriously think that at my annual review this year (on the anniversary of the breakup) I will be fired. My friends have all grown tired of my and abandoned me. I haven't left my apartment for anything other than work and seeing my dying grandfather in three weeks.

    Over the year, I've had periodic relapses of my eating disorder. I've on occasion stopped taking my medication for bipolar disorder because sometimes I'm actually better OFF my meds. In order to "fix" myself, I've tried therapy, I've tried buying stuff to replace him. It's worked...for about 24 hours.

    I think of suicide constantly. When I am hysterical and crying...it's the only thing that calms me down. I hadn't slept in three days, and this afternoon the only thing that would help me sleep is prioritizing the ways in which I would kill myself. Right now, I like to tell myself that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is my grandpa. I often wish I had gotten terminal cancer, and not him.

    The longer I go on, the more sure I am that I want to die.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I don't mean to take away from your pain, it is in deed unique, but I know so much how you feel!!!!

    I had a break up that crushed me. I relapsed into old self destructive habits and just like you I did so many things that put my career in danger to the point that I am struggling still to hold it together.

    One thing that really helped me was this place as like you I had lost all my friends and had no emotional or moral support to aid me. This place is really awesome and I know that you will find friends, caring support and great advice as I did so please please continue to post and get involved, people will reach out to you and it really helps too get your thoughts out of your head (where they just seem to grew larger than life).

    One thing I did not do that I recommend it getting into see a therapist/counselor (part of my being self destructive -I pissed off my therapist to the point he fired me)as it will help you work through your thoughts and feelings on the matter.

    If you would like to talk more about this keep posting and I and others will reply and you may also write me a private message and I will reply.

    Your heart needs time to heal as this was obviously a very deep and meaningful person to you, I am sorry for your heartbreak but you are not alone now as you have us :arms:

    Take care and hope to get to know you better...Love Someone Who Knows Heartbreak Bambi
  3. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Dredging this back up..

    I am in a constant state of conflict.

    I poured almost everything I had into the relationship. When this relationship started, I was at a decent place in life. I was gaining confidence in who I was, handling my various disorders and insecurities. I had a relatively good idea about what I wanted out of life. I was fun and engaging, had opinions, stuff I liked to do...

    Slowly, over time, that changed. It started slowly. He'd express a doubt, or something about him would bother me..and I'd try to change to make myself more agreeable. I took on hobbies that I had no interest in (some have stayed, others haven't). Then I started compromising on big stuff: morals, goals. Things that make you YOU. I let my entire identity become enmeshed with his...and the killer was that I was the one making most of the sacrifices and compromises.

    Now, most of the time I don't even recognize myself. I've stopped asking myself what I want and like; to some of those questions I've forgotten the answers. I don't have goals any more.

    He knows the depth of my depression, and is concerned. He doesn't really understand a lot, because he's never been in the depths of a suicidal depression.

    The conflict arises where I am given advice. I am told almost universally that I need to cut him out of my life. I have given up on the romantic relationship.
    What I cannot bear to lose, and am frightened and anxious of losing to the point of being pathological, is the friendship. I have never had a large social circle, my group of friends is pathetically small. I spend a lot of time alone, particularly since people have stopped being sympathetic.
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