It's almost been a year since the break up. I've endangered my job to the point that I seriously think that at my annual review this year (on the anniversary of the breakup) I will be fired. My friends have all grown tired of my and abandoned me. I haven't left my apartment for anything other than work and seeing my dying grandfather in three weeks. Over the year, I've had periodic relapses of my eating disorder. I've on occasion stopped taking my medication for bipolar disorder because sometimes I'm actually better OFF my meds. In order to "fix" myself, I've tried therapy, I've tried buying stuff to replace him. It's worked...for about 24 hours. I think of suicide constantly. When I am hysterical and crying...it's the only thing that calms me down. I hadn't slept in three days, and this afternoon the only thing that would help me sleep is prioritizing the ways in which I would kill myself. Right now, I like to tell myself that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is my grandpa. I often wish I had gotten terminal cancer, and not him. The longer I go on, the more sure I am that I want to die.