a year later

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jonstark, Nov 9, 2008.

  1. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    I joined SF one year ago. It's been a strange year. I broke down in August 2007. September was bad then October was worse and in November I was in pieces. I couldn't think about anything but suicide.
    I suppose I'm bipolar and that was my depressive side finally surfacing. Looking back I can now see periods of groundless optimism and elation, protracted intervals of apathy and some short-lived depressive spells. I learned recently there is a history of suicide, alcoholism and erratic behavior in my family. Can't run from what's inside me.
    I could sense something was wrong for years. I fought depression hard. I kept a positive outlook, worked hard, stayed fit, made friends and so on. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. I hoped life would figure itself out. It didn't. In July 2007 I went back to my hometown. I hadn't been there for 6 years and so I hoped the vacation would do me good. The opposite happened. 'Home' felt wrong. I couldn't connect with my friends, granma drove me nuts, I almost drowned, and I was very sick for a week. Then one night I could feel my mind collapse.
    I began to obsess over suicide. I fought the obsession for 2 months. I joined and read some 'depression forum' thing where suicide talk was forbidden. Then I thought, who am I kidding, and searched 'suicide forum' and here I am : /.

    So what happens now? I don't know. I don't know where I am and what's going on anymore. My mind seems to work things out on its own and all I can do is try to adjust to whatever it comes up with. The depression lifted a bit and by February I could function more or less normally. But something has broken. As before, my moods jump around and I obsess over things. But now once in a while the depression comes back and all I can think about is killing myself. Sometimes it lasts for hours, sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks. And every time I know it's going to go away (though that knowledge offers little solace, if any!) - and come back later. It's a weird way to be.
    At least now I know what I'm dealing with. On the other hand, suicide is a certainty now, the question is only when. I couldn't possibly say when. I feel like it's out of my hands.

    I don't see how I can get 'better'. In a way I hate the idea of 'getting better', because it suggests something's wrong with me. Why shouldn't I get depressed? It's a fucked up world out there! Why should I feel confident all the time? Most confident people strike me as blind to their own deficiencies. I'm conscious of mine and try to fix them. So I'll kill myself. So what, everyone dies in the end.
    Pills? What for? They could make me fat and impotent. I don't really need that. A shrink? What the hell could one do for me?
    And the condition is not all bad. The underlying inferiority complex I have forces me to constantly seek new ways to prove my worth to myself - and the occasional manic episodes give me the energy I need to chase after my ideas. Maybe depression is the price I have to pay for all that's any good in me. Everything is very strange. Existence is weird.

    I've probably talked to you people more than to anyone else this past year. I don't think there's any point in scaring my family and friends with suicide talk that they wouldn't understand. So I can only be open here on SF... And, frankly, I like and admire you guys and I enjoy talking to you. Thanks for everything.
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    i empathize
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I don't have any words, but who does really.


    (e-hugs totally make everything better. :/)
  4. JustSam

    JustSam Well-Known Member

    all i can say is i'm here for you and stuff. cuz well i think that could help a bit.

    i swear i can be a good listener
    and um. i basically like, admire, and enjoy talkin to you too
    just so ya know the feelings mutual.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi jonstark. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering with bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts. The more I learn about bipolar disorder, the more I realize how awful a condition it really is. (I'm not bipolar, but I think my younger sister is). You seem pretty well on the outside, but on the inside, you're suffering tremendously. It may seem impossible to control your thoughts, but you have to try very hard to resist the urge to suicide. There are others here who are bipolar, and I'm sure they would be more than happy to share their experiences with you. Bipolar disorder isn't a death sentence, but it sure does complicate life. :hug:
  6. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    Life is a death sentence. It's a terminal decease. Everyone dies. For all I know I might kill myself at the age of 60... Or get hit by a lightning tomorrow. Whatever. It's no problem. Let life be complicated. Overcoming challenges is gratifying.
    Maybe I was a bit heavy on the emo in that post above... Even though I tried to tone it down. I just wanted to tell it the way it is. Yeah, I suffer a bit sometimes, but so does everyone. Don't all sane people think about suicide? It's fine.
    Anyway, it might all work out - for all of us. Look at cerise and her scholarship. That's good stuff. I'm not big on optimism, but who knows what's gonna happen. We'll see.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    That's the idea jonstark. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always a bright side. That's what helps to get me through the day. :hug: