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a year later

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kishin, Dec 8, 2010.

  1. Kishin

    Kishin Member

    well it has been a year since i last attempted to commit suicide and ended up in hospital for 16 days. been to the docters and social workers and case workers and more docters, etc etc etc. been told it will get better. told that is it is all up to me to make it better ( if i knew how to make things better i would of done it by now!?) been told stay alive for the kids. blah blah blah.
    so as i reflect on the last year has life actually gotten better. my answer to that is a big fat NO. life in fact has gotten worse ( if that was even possible)
    my husband has left me for his dream korean girl, my mother hates me, my siblings only talk to me when they need something. people are still using me even thou they know i am SOOOOO screwed up. hum disabillity has denied me help. i have no money no job. live in a hostel environment and can't leave because i have no money or a job. my teenage daughter has finally figured out that i am not worth her love ( i am actually glad she has then when i do kill myself it will not harm her as much).
    you know i was really hoping things would actually get better but i should of known better cause that is the story of my life.
    so i am just here to rant and say it didnt get better for me and i am ready to give in to suicide. maybe i could of tried harder, it would of been nice to have a doctor that actually helped that just did not push me off to the side and say fix it your self.
    i am hurt and very very very sad. i wish i could stayed alive for the kids, i wish the world did not hate me. but how much can one person take? i am at my limit and am ready for the end. it can not come soon enough.
    the only thing i will regret when i do commit suicide is that my kids will get hurt but i am sure they will get over it with their new mom and all to look after them. i am sure she will be a much better mother then i will be considering all i do is sit and sleep and cry. fun mom eh?!
    i am already dead in spirit and mind and soul and emotion, i just need to get ride of the body that is the last step.
    soon sweet darkness will embrace me with its cold silent emotionless sleep forever and ever.
    thank you for listening good luck to all of you.
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Maybe you havent hit your rock bottom yet, maybe your being tested to see how much you can take, for what who knows. Theres always what ifs or maybes, like what if you wake up tomorrow and feel better, what if a cure comes out next week for depression.

    I cant add much to what has already been suggested except that life does not and will not change unless we make it, force it. It sounds like you have alot of hate, and I cant blame you for all that you have going on I would be the same, but to think that your children will get over it and that they will be okay that they have another mother to raise them is unnacceptable in life, please dont let your brain fool you into thinking that.

    Your children want thier mother to raise them, to be there for them. They love you, whether or not they are showing it (most kids dont) but they do and they need you.

    I wanted to say welcome to SF and Im here anytime you want to talk or vent. I also have dealt with depression for most of my life, and I also have children that need me here, so I can understand and feel what your going through.

    PM anytime.